


Postmodern Family (Volume 1)

by MaesterDragonhooves



Series: Postmodern Family [1]
Category: Gravity Falls, Rick and Morty, Star vs. The Forces Of Evil, Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Bad Puns, Bill Cipher Being Bill Cipher, Canon-Typical Violence, Conspiracy, Crossover, Deconstruction, Deconstruction-Reconstruction, Demonic Possession, Dimension Travel, Family, Friendship, Gallows Humor, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Magic, Minor Character Death, Multi, Multiverse, Possession, Postmodern Family AU, Rick Being an Asshole, Rick and Morty-Typical Violence, Rick being "helpful", Romance, Scheming, Science Fiction, Secrets, Sexual Humor, Stangst, Steven Universe-Typical Non-Consent, Teen Angst
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-04
Updated: 2019-01-17
Packaged: 2019-07-25 04:26:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,712
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16190060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaesterDragonhooves/pseuds/MaesterDragonhooves
Summary: Rick Sanchez screws with the timelines of 3 other dimensions, resulting in lots of concentrated teenage angst.Then, as if that wasn't bad enough, Bill Cipher decides he wants revenge, and so does Toffee!How much interdimensional bonding can Rick cram into these next few days before his pissing contest with Bill Cipher leaves everyone traumatized (or worse)?





	1. Two Family Members

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Universe Falls](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4901857) by [MiniJen](https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiniJen/pseuds/MiniJen). 



Morty Smith was sitting in the living room, watching interdimensional cable. The television showed the words, "This film has been altered to put it on a television with commercials in between, and also altered to fit on a television screen in any dimension. Some stuff may not be in there, so there's not going to be any cool 3D IMAX dome-effect, or in-your-face virtual reality. It's just 2D."

Then, the movie started: it was Two Brothers. Morty sat with a small smile on his face, looking at the movie as it started, with the two brothers riding down the streets of Los Angeles in a van. He stared at the screen, somewhat anticipating the meteor impact that would kickstart the action in this action movie. Then, the meteor hit, and the title credits appeared. Then, things got knocked into _twelfth gear_ , and the Two Brothers started on their adventure: running from tornadoes, fighting off cats, the whole nine yards.

"Hey Morty, what'cha watching there?" asked Rick Sanchez, as he walked up to the couch.

"Oh. I'm watching Two Brothers," said Morty,

"Really. Huh. Mind if I *urrp* join you?"

"Go ahead."

The two of them sat on the couch, and watched as the Two Brothers went around LA, running from the various phenomena that popped up occasionally. Then, they came to a familiar battleground.

"Haha, here it comes, here comes the cross-attack!" said Morty, somewhat enthusiastically.

"Dude, are you high?" asked Rick.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" said Morty.

"I can tell, duh. And also I'm a little high myself. But yeah, you know, Morty, if there's any movie to watch high, it's this one."

"Yeah."

They continued watching the movie. They lay back into the seats and chuckled as the big climax came: The Two Brothers went into a cave on the moon, and beat up the Dark Wizard that was orchestrating all the stuff: the Meteor, the Tornado, the Cat Monsters, the Mexican Armada, the Old Ladies, _everything_. Once the Dark Wizard was beaten, the moon exploded and the Two Brothers flew back down to Earth in a Tomate III-class Sombrero-ship. Then, they went up to their girlfriend, and made out with her in a Two-Brothers Triangle-Kiss. Then, they went to a busted-open part of a skyscraper and looked at all the destruction, like the piles of cat corpses, the crashed Mexican Sombrero-Ships, and the spilled guts of the exploded moon, which were glittering blue and purple and orange in the evening sky as they settled into a ring around the Earth.

"What have we become, Morty? We're sitting at home, watching something that was like, some side-gag from a long time ago that wasn't all that important to our character arcs. And we're watching the edited-for-TV version, too. They didn't even show the Two-Brothers Spitroast scene, where they spitroasted their girlfriend," said Rick.

"Well, you know, Rick, after all the shit you put us through, I just wanna relax, you know?" answered Morty.

"I mean, I guess. Sorta like that time we did the toxic sludge thing, right?"

"Not really. I mean, I just feel like we've done so much stuff, that there's not much else we can do that could actually qualify as 'interesting', you know, Rick?"

"I totally get you, Morty."

"Hey Rick, what about the multiverse, man? Got any friends left out there, man?"

"I dunno, Morty, I guess I could try to hook up with some of my old buddies from the multiverse. Also why'd you just say 'man'?"

''Cuz I'm high on weed, man!"

"Really. I mean, you didn't say it before. It's just kinda funny is all. That you're talking like you're high just now, but not before, ' _man_ '!"

"Okay, Rick. Damn, even when we're on weed, you're still busting my balls."

"Yeah, well at least I'm not _licking them_ , amirite?"

"Um, I guess?"

"Yeah, I'm gonna go now. We'll see how this goes. Best case scenario, I happen to find a bunch of other multiverse-proficient teenagers that you can hang out with! People who can relate to your experiences of going on science-fiction or fantasy adventures!" said Rick. He took out his portal gun.

"That seems oddly specific, Rick," mused Morty.

"What _ever_ , _Morrtyy_ ," answered Rick, as he opened a portal and went through.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Wowwwie! I wonder what's gonna happen next? Who's Rick gonna say 'hi' to? Who's he gonna meet up with? I bet he's gonna do all sorts of shenanigans in the multiverse, but I bet it's gonna be a little different from his usual shenanigans, isn't it? Maybe he's gonna kill somebody important, or maybe he's gonna steal something, I mean it would be preeeety eeasyy for Rick to steal something, since he can shoot portals all willy-nilly-like. I know I can't wait to see what happens!" -Mr. Poopybutthole


	2. Green Portal Guy

Star Butterfly never expected to be helped by Buffrog, let alone Ludo. They had teamed up because apparently, some new guy called Toffee had her best friend, Marco Diaz. Meanwhile, Ludo and Buffrog both had the blues because apparently, Toffee manipulated them into looking bad to the other monsters. Star didn't mind Buffrog as much as she did Ludo, because he seemed to appreciate her being nice to him after the whole "Mewnipendence Day" incident. The way he spied on her was still pretty creepy, though. Now, he had tadpoles which Ludo gave him; that also seemed to make him instantly more mellow.

Now, the three of them snuck into Ludo's castle, hoping to ambush this "Toffee" guy.

" _Time to free Marco..._ " thought Star, as she approached the castle hall where Toffee was holding her best friend. She scoped out the room, noting that it had all of Ludo's former henchmen, a lizard-man in a suit, and a blue crystal box where Marco was being held.

Star, now confident that she could take all those guys and break the crystal, said, "Here's the plan: We're going in on the count of one."

"Uh, that is not good plan!" said Buffrog, but Star didn't pay any attention to that. She cocked her wand, charged it with energy, and said "One."

She charged into the room, and heard Buffrog following her. She shot a magic blast of energy at the ground to make a poofy cloud to make it harder to see her. She jumped onto the table, and shot a blast of salmon-pink butterflies at Toffe, which knocked him out of his chair. She turned three of the monsters into little cuties, then said "Super sonic-" (the cutie was trying to get her so she blasted it) "-Super-Sonic Leech-Bombs!" A bunch of green leeches flew out and stuck to the glass. Marco ducked and covered. Then, they blew up, but the glass was still there. Man Arm slammed Star into the ground, but Buffrog got him. Then, the three cuties came at her with a chainsaw, and Star put them in a bubble. Star and Buffrog stared at Marco. All three of them were confused. They didn't know how to break the crystal. The rest of the monsters took this opportunity to attack, but Star blasted them, jumped onto a chandelier, blew out one of its candles, and then summoned a magic Rainbow-Rocket. The rocket exploded onto the glass, but it didn't do anything.

Star realized that this was serious business now. She descended from the chandelier. Monsters surrounded her, but she said, "No." and held them back with a field of blue smoke. Her eyes and cheeks tingled as she tapped into the power of her wand. She summoned all of its energy into a single blast, then fired.

As the blast exploded, Star was left feeling the tingling on her cheeks. The distraction was temporary, as she soon realized that she could save Marco now. She ran up to him, hoping to glomp him, but she accidentally knocked him back into the cage. She said, "Sorry, I was excited!" and she grabbed his arm to pull him up and take him with her.

Then, the crystal reformed. It quickly surrounded Marco's arm, forcing him to pull it back inside. Star was shocked. Then, Spikeballs grabbed her, and held her in the air. She protested, grunting "No, let me go!"

Toffe said, "Stop." Spikeballs let Star go. Toffee's arm began to slither outward as it regenerated, and he continued, "That's no way to treat our... Guest of honor." His arm finished regenerating into all its muscular glory. Toffee pulled out a remote control, and pressed a button. The crystal cage began lowering onto Marco.

Star and Marco tried to stop it from lowering, and Star tried to tell it to stop. Star prepared to use the all-out attack once more.

Toffee said, "That's not going to work again. That crystal is twice as strong now."

The fly monster brought back the pillows to try to lighten up the situation. It didn't work.

Marco tried reassuring Star. He said, "Don't worry Star! I think I've got it..." as he pressed against the ceiling. It didn't give Star any confidence, though. Star jumped onto the table again, then put the wand on the plate before Toffee. She said "Fine. Take it. Now let Marco go."

Ludo suddenly appeared. He cackled as he tried to take the wand, but Big Chicken grabbed him in his beak.

Toffee said to Star, "Do you think I'm like Ludo?" Ludo was stammering and making muffled noises, so Toffee told Chicken, "Just swallow it." And so he did. Eventually, the chicken monster shat out Ludo, who was now encased in one of _his_ eggs.

Toffee pushed forward the plate, and said, "I don't want your wand. Destroy it."

Both Marco and Star were all like, "Whaaaaat?"

Toffee instantly streched his face into a silly look and said " _Surprise!"_

Star told him, "I can't. I don't even know how."

Toffe reassured her: "Yes, you do. It's the first spell your mother taught you."

"The Whispering Spell," said Star. Now she realized.

As the crystal cage continued lowering, Marco tried in vain to prevent it from pressing against his body. He actually thought he was going to die.

"Exactly. Marco's waiting."

Star looked over to the cage, only to find Marco gone. There was a swirly green portal in his place.

"Oh no. No, no, no! What did you _do to him,_ Toffee?" said Star in a panic. But when she took the time to look at Toffee's face, she saw that he was only staring, shocked.

Toffee said "I didn't do that." Star began to reach for the wand, but someone wearing a white coat grabbed it, jumped off the table, then opened a green portal that spilled out a bunch of purple slime that had googly-eyes and silly faces. The mysterious guy then stepped to the side of the portal, briefly revealing himself to be a wacky mad scientist-he had a stained white labcoat, sunburnt skin, a unibrow, and wacky, silver Einstein-hair.

He said, "HAHAHA! You dumbasses should see the looks on your faces! _Lick, lick, lick my ballllss_!"

Then, he shot another portal, and jumped into it. Spikeballs started to go after him, but he stopped when the portal shrunk into a tiny green droplet and vanished.

Star was now completely shocked. And now, so was Toffee.

Before she could say anything else, though, she felt herself being grabbed by somebody. "We must get out, _now_ , Star!" said Buffrog, who now had all his little tadpoles again. That's who it was then.

Star said, "What about Ludo?" as she began to run toward the exit.

"He is in this," said Buffrog. Star looked over, and saw that he was carrying the egg that Ludo was in.

Star heard Toffee shout, " _KILL THEM_! _Don't let them escape_!" but it was too late. Star and Buffrog ran around the first corner. Then they ran around the second corner. Eventually, they found their way out. They didn't see anyone coming after them. Star said, "It looks like they aren't following us!"

Buffrog said,"That does not mean anything! We should still flee!"

"Allright," said Star, "Let's use this, then!" Star took out her dimensional scissors, and opened a portal to a random place. The two of them entered the portal, and once they were on the other side, Star closed it, then sat down and took a deep breath. The two of them were on the side of a hill near the edge of the Jaggy Mountain Kingdom. The hill was still pretty jaggy, but they managed to find a grassy patch of dirt to rest their tired buttocks. They both looked at the pinkish-yellow sky, and sat in awkward silence for a while.

"So. That was something," said Buffrog.

"Yeah. I guess I don't have a wand anymore, thanks to that Green Portal Guy..." said Star.

"What about Karate-Kid? Do you know where Portal-Guy took him?" asked Buffrog.

"Oh no, no no no no NO!" said Star. Now she was going to have to go home and face her parents. She failed. She didn't bring Marco home. And now everyone was going to be sad, and maybe they'd hate her. She felt terrible.

Star said, "Bye, Buffrog!" then opened a portal to her room in the Diaz house. She felt dizzy and hollow as she stepped through, feeling the weight and dread of what was to come.

She entered her room. It was usually a happy place, but not now. Star went into Marco's room, only to be shocked to be greeted with Marco shouting "STAR!"

Star was taken aback, but once she saw Marco, and realized that he was okay, she was flooded with happiness.

" _MARCO_!" shouted Star. She glomped him, and he mumbled as she held him tightly.

"Oh my god, what happened, Marco?" asked Star.

"I dunno, last thing I remember, I was being crushed by that cage, but then I fell backwards onto my bed through that green portal," said Marco.

"So that scientist saved you, huh, Marco?"

"Scientist?"

"There was a mad scientist who showed up out of nowhere, Marco! He took my wand, and then he said 'Lick, lick, lick my balls!'"

"Eww, that's weird," said Marco.

"I know, right? He had this gun that shot green portals, and he called me and Toffee dumb. It was all so super confusing," said Star.

Marco and Star took a brief moment to catch their breaths. They looked into each other's eyes, until it got awkward, and Star said, "Well..."

Marco was like, "Yeah..."

Then Star hugged him again, saying, "So I lost the Wand. But I still have my best friend!"

"Yeah," said Marco.


	3. Steven Meets His Aunt-Grandma

Steven Universe was walking down the street on his way to the Big Donut. He didn't have much on his mind, just donuts. A little while ago, he had been really scared for Connie, since Pearl had told her that she was worthless; that she should sacrifice herself for Steven's sake. But Steven didn't want to think about that today. He just went about his business: going to the Big Donut, saying "Hi!" to Lars and Sadie, and buying an assortment of donuts.

As Steven got near to the Big Donut, he saw Ronaldo Fryman running toward him. Ronaldo shouted, "STEVEN! Steven! You've got to see something!"

Steven was really annoyed by that. Ronaldo always had a habit of annoying Steven with things that he didn't want to deal with right now. Things Ronaldo thought were important but weren't really. Steven always felt tired when he tried to be nice to Ronaldo.

Steven let out a labored sigh, and said, "What is it, Ronaldo?"

Ronaldo said "There's a white guy in the Big Donut! He said he wants to see you, and for a brief second, I saw a DIAMOND on his forehead! I think that he's from the GREAT DIAMOND AUTHORITY, Steven!"

Ahh yes, the Great Diamond Authority. The conspiracy that Ronaldo replaced the Sneeple with after Steven called him out on his attempt to dissect-no- _vivisect_ him.

Steven just said, "Ok, thanks for letting me know, I'll go talk to him."

Ronaldo said "Steven, beware! The Great Diamond Authority is not to be taken lightly! Who knows what the white dude might do to you if he knows you're a gem? What if he tries to-"

"OKAY, Ronaldo," groaned Steven, "I'll be _careful._ "

"The fate of the world rests on your shoulders, Steven!" said Ronaldo. Steven _really_ did not want to be reminded of that right now.

Steven walked into the Big Donut. He went up to the counter, and said, "Hi Lars! Hi Sadie!"

"Hey, Steven!" said Sadie warmly, but Lars said, "Steven, can you tell that white guy in the hoodie to stop loitering? He says he wants to talk to you, and he's really creeping out the customers."

"Lars, don't worry about that, he hasn't hurt anyone," said Sadie.

"It's okay, I can talk to him," said Steven, "And then I'll buy my daily allotment of Big Donuts!"

Steven walked up to the completely white, hooded person in the corner, and said "Hi, strange guy who Ronaldo thinks is a Diamond!"

The person took off their hoodie, revealing an elderly face with a white glow. They had spiky hair, and a diamond embedded in their forehead. "Hello, Steven. We finally meet," said the diamond in a somewhat manly voice.

"Wait a second, you're a GEM!?" asked Steven, suddenly shocked at the confirmation.

"Yes, Steven. I am a Gem. I have important information for you. If you would like to speak further with me, tell your lion to teleport you to your mother's moon base," said the Diamond, before disappearing in a flicker of light. It was a hologram.

"Rose Quartz had a _moon base_!?" asked Steven incredulously. But then, Steven suddenly felt a surge of fear wash over him. _He's a Homeworld Gem._ Or, at least he's _probably_ a Homeworld Gem. It was the most likely scenario, though he _did_ also feel a little confused by the manly voice the Gem presented with. Steven really didn't know _what_ to think about what he just saw.

" _Good riddance!_ " said Lars. Steven remembered that he came there to buy donuts, so he did. He bought three jelly donuts, four donut holes, and a chocolate donut with chocolate sprinkles. He said "Bye Lars, bye Sadie!" and they each said "Bye, Steven!" back to him.

Steven went home to enjoy his donuts, when he saw Lion. His curiosity became piqued, but he was also still a little apprehensive. He knew that talking to Peridot got him in trouble, since she found out that the Crystal Gems were still on Earth, and got Jasper to help her. But here was a _Diamond_ , and (s)he was already on Earth. Diamonds were the leaders on Homeworld, right? So if a Diamond was here, things were a lot bleaker than he'd imagined.

Nevertheless, Steven's curiosity won out. He finished his donuts on the porch, then ran over to Lion, who was curled up in his bed. He said "Hey Lion! Could you preeety-please take me to the 'Moon-Base'?" Lion turned to him and yawned a little. But just as Steven thought Lion was going to be difficult again today, Lion stood up.

Lion placed himself under Steven, and Steven grabbed onto his mane. Lion yawned again, then screamed a portal into existence. He launched them into the portal, then began to create another portal, and yet another one after that. In the distance in portal-space, a pink diamond could be seen. _The Great Diamond Authority?_

Eventually, Steven and Lion emerged from one last portal into a large dark room, and Lion hit the ground sliding. Steven fell off of Lion, and was flung onto the ground, but he didn't fall as hard as he thought he would. He realized he was on the moon, where gravity was much lower. He also noticed that Lion was pretty tired. As he got up with quickness and ease, he decided to jump and skip around a little, knowing that he was much lighter. But then, he saw the white Gem from the Big Donut.

"Hi, Diamond-person!" said Steven, "I'm here to talk! What do you wanna tell me?"

The Gem said, "I'm here to give you information, Steven. And there is something I have to show you."

Steven was a little excited, but then he remembered the reason he felt apprehension before. He asked, "Are you a Homeworld Gem?"

"I am White Diamond," the Gem replied. They shined a light on a giant mural with a person that looked just like them. Then, they said, "I am not just a Homeworld Gem, I am the LEADER of every Gem in Homeworld, including the other diamonds. I have the ability to sense every gem in the universe, _especially_ you."

Steven's heart sank, and he froze in fear. The supreme leader of Homeworld. She knew where every gem was. Ronaldo was right, this was serious.

"Steven, feel free to ask me any questions you like," said White Diamond.

"Are you gonna kill me?" asked Steven.

"No. That would be a waste of my time. Your mother's colony has already been abandoned. The damage has been done," said the Diamond.

"What? What are you talking about?" asked Steven, now more confused.

"Behold." White Diamond flashed a light upon the wall on the other side of the massive room. Steven saw a pink Gem with a diamond-shaped gem on her stomach. She didn't look much like Rose Quartz, but she did have a gem on her navel, just like Rose Quartz did. Just like Steven did.

"That doesn't look like my mom," said Steven.

"That's because she shape-shifted, Steven," responded White Diamond.

"Oh. Really?" mused Steven. He asked White, "So wait. Does that mean my mom was also a Diamond?"

"Yes, Steven. You finally figured it out. But you must NEVER tell the Crystal Gems." said White.

"What? Why not?" asked Steven, now growing a little suspicious.

"Pink Diamond, your mother, pretended to be Rose Quartz in order to try and convince the other Diamonds to leave Earth alone. When that didn't work, and Blue and Yellow tried to control the colony more directly, Pink Diamond faked her own shattering in order to make the rest of us leave Earth forever. The Crystal Gems think Pink Diamond, their 'enemy', was shattered, Steven. And if they found out Pink was still alive, and that she was lying to them the whole time about the rebellion, they'd pull the gem out of your flesh in order to interrogate her. And then they'd shatter her for REAL, Steven," said White Diamond.

"And why should I believe you? You're the leader of the Homeworld Gems, you're probably trying to trick me," said Steven.

"Believe me. Or don't. It does not matter. I am so far above the petty matters of you humans, that I am indifferent to the fate of those who live on your mother's abandoned colony. I wish I could say the same about Yellow, though," said White Diamond. Strangely enough, hearing that White Diamond was so far above it all that she didn't even care was comforting.

But Yellow Diamond. There was that name again. Jasper had mentioned her when she and Peridot had first landed in front of the Crystal Gem Temple.

"Um... Why? What's the deal with her?" asked Steven.

"She created a massive fusion of millions of gem shards, germinating within your planet's crust. Once it is fully solidified, it will form, and its formation will tear apart your planet," said White Diamond calmly.

"WHAT!?" exclaimed Steven, "OH NO! That's _TERRIBLE_!" Steven's heart began to race at this revelation. He stood there, looking at the Diamond before him, with a nonchalant expression on their face.

"We have to do something!" said Steven.

"Like I said, Steven, I am so far above your petty mortal struggles. You should be grateful that I even gave you these two valuable pieces of information," said White.

"Right. You're a Homeworld Gem. The top Homeworld Gem," said Steven.

"Correct. By the way, this isn't even my true form, either. The only reason I am taking this form is because your little organic brain would explode if you gazed upon my true form. That's why your mom did it; she transformed into what humans thought was sexy in primitive times, so she could have sex with them without their brains exploding all over the place. Now, feel free to return home whenever you are ready. Unless you'd like to hear a third piece of information." said White.

"What?" said Steven, now annoyed and depressed.

"Your Pearl used to belong to me, Steven. I gave her to your mother to keep her company since she wasn't satisfied with her previous Pearl. Now, she belongs to you, Steven. If you really want to get some laughs-you know, prank her-you can order her to do any sort of silly task, and she'll do it, since she still thinks you're her Diamond," said White, now sporting the slightest smirk on their face.

"No. I'm not gonna be mean to Pearl. No matter what," said Steven defiantly.

"Suit yourself, human. Just remember, all of the Crystal Gems will be SUPER ENRAGED at you if they find out that your mom was Pink Diamond. So keep that little piece of info to yourself. You can tell them about the Cluster, though. You should probably do that as soon as possible, too. If you care about your planet, that is," said White.

Steven let out a deflated "Okay." Then he walked over to Lion, and said, "Lion, can you take me back home?" Lion looked at Steven like he was crazy or something. Steven looked back at White Diamond, and said "Please don't hurt my planet." White Diamond waved that off nonchalantly, then turned their back on Steven. Steven asked Lion to portal back again. Eventually, Lion did acquiesce. Steven mounted Lion, and Lion screamed open a succession of swirly salmon circles that eventually ended in a portal on the beach outside the house.

Lion crashed into the sand, paws first, sending Steven into the air; he landed several feet away.

"WHOA, Steven!" shouted Amethyst, "Where did YOU come from all of a sudden!?"

Steven stood up and dusted himself off. He checked on Lion, who also seemed to be adjusting himself, only for him to collapse onto his side, breathing heavily. _Poor guy_.

Steven looked at Amethyst, and said, "Oh. Sorry about that. I was just. You know. I was traveling around the world."

"Well, don't wear him out, Steven, it looks like he can't handle all that traveling!" said Amethyst.

"Yeah. I know. I may have gotten... Carried away." said Steven, slowly and carefully.

"Aww, well don't get all down on yourself, man!" said Amethyst, "We all gotta take a break sometimes, right? It's just that now it's Lion's turn."

"Yeah," said Steven, as he slowly walked toward his house.

He thought about telling the Gems about the Cluster. He'd tell them later.

He thought about telling them about White Diamond. He wasn't going to tell them about that.


	4. Dipper and Mabel vs the Multiverse

Mabel's legs carried her as fast as they possibly could through the forest. She wasn't thinking about how hard they were working. She only cared that they would take her as far away as possible from the awful thing which made her feel bad. " _Summer ends._ " Dipper had said.

" _I don't want it to end. It's not fair. It's not fair. IT'S NOT FAIR!_ " Mabel thought to herself, as she continued to run, sobbing along the way. Her heart weighed in her chest, and her guts weighed in her stomach, but still, she kept running. She just wanted it all to be good, to all be okay, but she couldn't get that.

After Candy and Grenda said that they wouldn't attend her birthday party, she tried to stay hopeful in spite of that double-betrayal, that one-two punch to her feels. After Wendy had told her about how much high school was gonna suck, she felt even more betrayed. She had no idea that even those awesome Disney movies were also lying to her the whole time. She thought that at least she had Dipper, and even Grunkle Stan agreed; he reassured her that she'd have him forever.

But then Grunkle Ford took _that_ from her, too. And she just couldn't handle it.

Because without Dipper, she had nothing left.

So she ran. She kept running, until she got tired. " _There's a tree, over there. Looks comfy,_ " she thought to herself, " _Now it's gonnna be my sad-tree_." Then, she sat down. When the adrenaline wore off and her pounding heart started to slow down, Mabel was left only with bad thoughts, which intermittently popped up in her head, reminding her of how much her life sucked. Because she wanted to have at least one thing to make her happy, she took off her backpack, hoping to find something that would do the trick.

She reached into the backpack, and said aloud, "Only party chocolate can cheer me up now." But when she reached in, she soon found that the contents were pretty unfamiliar. She pulled our a notebook, and looked at it. Once she realized what it was, she said, "Nerd books?" and when she reached again, and felt pens inside, she pulled them out, and said "Chewed up pens? Ugh, wrong backpack." She plopped-down the backpack out of frustration, pulled her sweater over her head, and said, "Not fair. I just wish summer could last forever." Though there was nobody else to hear this, she felt somewhat calm at the sound of her own voice, solidifying the otherwise messy, mish-mash that usually clouded her brain.

But then, a voice answered: "That _might_ be possible!" The voice was sorta nervous-sounding.

That voice-whatever it was-was an _unwelcome_ intrusion into Mabel's mindspace. She had just gotten accustomed to the depressing-but-calm downer-aura over her thoughts, and then that too got interrupted. It stirred her.

Mabel said, "Sweatertown is _not_ accepting incoming calls right now."

The next thing she heard was, "M-M-M-Mabel, it's me."

Mabel replied, "What? Who said that? " Then, she saw someone familiar to her: the fat time-traveler, Blendin Blandin; he was adjusting his watch, and his suit was going all wacky with pictures of places, like it did before.

"I-I-I can help," said Blendin.

"The time travel guy? What are you doing here?"

"You said you don't want summer to end, right? D-did-did I hear that right?"

" _There's no way..."_ thought Mabel to herself. She began to feel a little hopeful, if still a little confused. She then said, "Yeah... why are you asking?"

Blendin explained: "Look, maybe it's against the rules, but you once did a favor for me, so I thought I could help you out. It's called a time bubble, and it prevents time from going forward. Summer in Gravity Falls can last as long as you want it to!"

Mabel became exited. Curious, she asked, "R-Really? But how does it work?"

"I just need you to get a little gizmo for me from your uncle." said Blendin, activating his watch to show her a holograph of a little globe on some tubes and stuff.

"It's something small. He won't even know it's missing." he continued.

"Huh. Maybe Dipper has something like that in his nerd-bag." said Mabel, feeling clueless as to what she was even supposed to be looking for. Then, her fingers felt a glass thing, and some metal and plastic and rubber around it. She pulled it out, saying, "Huh. That's... odd. This it?"

Blendin looked excited. "Yes, that's it! Just hand it over and I'll do my thing," he said. "Unless you're ready to _leave_ Gravity Falls."

"Just a little more summer." said Mabel. She wanted summer to last forever. She wanted to be with Dipper forever. She wanted to be with Wendy, and Soos, and Grunkle Stan- _forever_. They made her feel so happy; the thought of staying with them as long as she wanted filled her with such a wonderful hope. She gave Blendin the weird thing-a-majiggy.

Blendin took it. Then, he dropped it, saying, "Oops."

The glass science-thingy fell out of Blendin's hands, towards the ground.

A green, swirly circle appeared on the spot beneath the weird gizmo.

A pale, skinny hand shot up from the swirly green circle. It grabbed the thing.

Mabel didn't know what the thing was, or what it did, so when Blendin dropped it, she actually wasn't as surprised as Blendin was during the instant the green swirly blob appeared on the ground. A man in a white coat with crazy hair, holding a gun flew up out of the blob and kicked Blendin to the ground; then, the chartruse hole in the ground disappeared. Mabel was immediately shocked. She heard Blendin stammer a little, and the old man put the magical space snowglobe and his gun into his white labcoat.

" _YOU!_ " said Blendin, sounding super-vicious-his face looking as shocked as it did angry.

The old man pulled out another weird-looking gun and said "That's right, Bill, ME!" Then, he shot Blendin sevral timez. The shots weren't loud-instead of "bang", they were more like "pew-pew", and they were bright, so Mabel figured it was a laser-gun. Mabel couldn't keep track of what was happening, really. She had no idea how much time had even passed since she handed over the science-thingy. She had been sad before all of this, but now, she was mortified.

Mabel watched as Blendin stumbled to the ground, falling flat onto his back once more. She wasn't even thinking at this point, since she had long since fallen out of Sweater-Town, and into the strange realm of Science-berg. She let out a little "Um..." as she saw the man start walking towards her. Then, the strange man bent down and grabbed Mabel by the shoulders.

He started to shout: "Hey, h-hey you!" Mabel responded only by looking at his face: a sickly, wrinkled old man-face with crazy pastel-blue hair.

"Do you have ANY idea what the fuck you were DOING?"

Mabel didn't know how to answer that question, but she did instinctively eke out a "No!"

"That was BILL CIPHER! He was trying to-oo use that-that _thing_ to bring the freaking NIGHTMARE REALM into your dimension! Didn't Stanford *urrp* tell you about it?"

Several thoughts raced through Mabel's head at once. She knew who Bill Cipher was, of course, but she had no idea what the Nightmare Realm was, and she definitely wasn't told about that weird portal-thingy by Stanford.

"Look-I get it. I sell shit like this to intergalactic, interdimensional warlords every no-ow and then. Who knows how many dimensions got-got fucked over because I handed over something I knew nothing *urrrp* about?"

Mabel tried to stare past him, or close her eyes, or look away, anything to get away from the nasty smell of hobo coming from his face. She ended up squirming a little. She remembered that she was covered in Blendin-bits.

"But I mean, COME ON! _Eternal summer?_ I mean, what the fuck you were thinking there? You-you really think that guy was gonna give you eternal summer? A-a-aand why the hell would you even WANT something like that? You do realize there's a planet in our solar system with eternal su-uumer, right? It's called Venus, and if we all lived there, everyone's faces would melt off. _Is that what you want?_ "

"NO!" replied Mabel, finally finding some courage from the depths of nowhere. "THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANTED! I just wanted to have my friends around, and they were all leaving me behind! First Candy and Grenda, and then Grunkle Stan... And then Grunkle Ford took Dipper away from me, too! IT'S NOT FAIR, OKAY?"

"Whoa there, sound-sounds like you have some family issues huh, Sweater-Morty?

"What did you call me?" replied a perplexed Mabel.

"Well, you-u're related to Stanford Pines, right? He takes you on adventures and stuff, r-right?"

Mabel felt unusual, as if a weight was being lifted off of her shoulders, by this stranger who had just killed a guy she sorta knew, and was covered in his blood. "What? Well, sort of... Actually, he wanted my brother Dipper to go on adventures. Just Dipper, though..."

"And why's that?" replied the strange science-man.

"Well, he thinks Dipper's a genius, and he thinks I'm too stupid... Like my Grunkle Stan, I guess..."

"W-wow... That, *urp* that sounds pretty harsh..." said the guy, beginning to look concerned, "Want me to tell you a secret?"

"W-what kind of secret?" replied a curious Mabel.

"A science-secret!" he said, but Mabel remained skeptical.

"You're supposed to go-o on adventures with your brother. You two, there's *urrrp* a scientific reason you-u two, specifically, are supposed to go together!"

"Really?" said Mabel, her face now lit up. "What's that?"

"I-it's way too complicated for me to explain to you right now, and I gotta hand this thing over to Stanford. But, let's just say... You two have special brainwaves, and your 'grunkles' probably do too."

" _Twin-brainwaves!?_ " replied an awed Mabel.

"Uh, yeah, some *urrrrp* something like that." said the portal-scientist, "Hey, you wanna go home, right Sweater-Morty?"

"Yeah... But wait, who are you? And how do you know Grunkle Ford?" said Mabel.

The man didn't listen to her. Instead, he took his gun and shot another green circle. The next thing Mabel knew, she was flung face-first into the portal. Just as her mind began to acknowledge the feeling of the thick, swirly, green fluid pressing against her, she was greeted with the sight of a familiar stretch of woods. As she landed, she stumbled a little bit. She turned to the side, and confirmed that she was indeed in front of the Mystery Shack. Then, she sat down, spread her arms out, and just lay on the ground.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "The four kids were left confused and depressed by the recent events, all of them thinking way too much about the seeds of self-doubt, drama, and angst that had just been planted within them all. But one thing that none of them would have ever thought to think about was that Rick Sanchez would, in a way, actually be right about being the thing that had brought them all together. None of them could have known, from their chance encounters with Rick, of the adventures they would be taken on, the challenges they would trip over, the mysteries they would spoil, the magic/science they would discover, or the bonds they would form together (of both the romantic and platonic varieties)." -MaesterDragonhooves, channeling Minijen


	5. It's Considered a Rick Move

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has been heavily edited and altered in order to make it in character for Stanley Pines, and make the First Rick-counter more dramatic. I'm probably not the best at writing his material, but I'll keep trying to improve.

Dipper raced out of the Mystery Shack. He knew that Mabel had taken the backpack containing the Rift. He knew he had to find Mabel as quickly as possible. He _had_ to find her before _Bill Cipher_ did.

As Dipper went outside, he saw Mabel, lying on the ground and covered in blood. She had no backpack. Dipper's heart skipped a beat at the sight.

Dipper looked again at Mabel, just to make sure he was seeing clearly. He was. Mabel was indeed covered in splatters of blood, and she didn't have her backpack. But then, he noticed her breathing.

Dipper ran up to Mabel and said, " _OH MY GOD_! _Mabel, are you okay_!?"

Mabel turned her head quickly to her brother and said, "Dipper?"

"Oh, _thank god you're alive_!" said Dipper, "Where's your backpack?"

"What's going on?" said Stanford, who had just left the Mystery Shack.

"No. Tell Ford I'm not talking to him. Actually, I'm not talking to either of you!" said Mabel.

"Where's her backpack, where's the Rift? _Why's she covered in blood_?" asked Ford.

"Mabel, what happened? Why are you covered in blood? Where's your backpack?" asked Dipper.

Mabel pouted, then pulled her sweater back over her head and sat in a fetal position.

"Mabel, this is really important! That backpack had a very dangerous device in it that could tear apart the universe! _We need to know what happened to it_!" said Stanford.

Mabel huffed, then said, "Dipper, tell Grunkle Ford that the Rift obviously isn't that important if he's just telling me now."

Dipper turned to Stanford and said, "Ford, Mabel says-"

"Yes, I heard. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier. I thought you might have smashed it like one of those snowglobes you were breaking earlier." said Ford.

"Dipper, tell Grunkle Ford that his friend has the glass thingy." said Mabel.

"You mean _Bill Cipher has it_!?" shouted Stanford in terror.

"Mabel, what happened to the Rift? Did you give it to Bill Cipher?" asked Dipper.

"Bill Cipher doesn't have the Rift. Grunkle Ford's science-friend has it." said Mabel.

"Who are you talking about?" asked Ford.

" _Dipper_ , _tell Grunkle Ford that I'm talking about his science friend with the crazy hair and the green portals_ ," said Mabel.

Dipper turned to Ford, confused. But Ford thought about it. Green portals. He didn't know who it was immediately until he realized that she was talking about one of his colleagues who had developed interdimensional travel via green portal fluid.

Then, the hair on the back of his neck bristled instantly. He knew _exactly_ who it was.

"What's that?" asked Dipper, as he pointed to an approaching UFO with trash cans as thrusters.

Stanford began to say, "Kids, get inside. This man is-"

" **KEEP TRACK OF YOUR** _ **FUCKING**_ **MORTIES, STANFORD PINES!** " The shout blasted from the UFO, from a loudspeaker on the side. Then the UFO lowered, but the man continued to talk, " **This one, d-do you have** _ **any**_ **idea what she was about to do, Stanford? She was about to hand over a rift that Bill Cipher was *urrp* gonna smash open to bring in the Nightmare Realm! Luckily for you, I saved it at literally the last *urrrrp* second!** " said the guy in the trash-UFO.

Stanford yelled back, "Don't bullshit me, Rick Sanchez! Like _you'd_ ever care about what Bill Cipher does with the Nightmare Realm!"

The man walked out of the UFO, and said, "Yeah, you're right *urrp*, I don't care. But hey, I, I was able to help, wasn't I? Here, I got the-the thing you need to seal up." said Rick. He took out the Rift and handed it to Stanford.

Ford grabbed the Rift and put it in his pocket. Then, he looked Rick in the eye and said, "Get the fuck out of my dimension and leave my family alone."

Rick responded with, "Gee, _you're welcome_! Is that how you guys *urrp* say 'thank you' in Gravity Falls?"

Dipper stood there, shocked at the revelation of Stanford's apparent colleague. He wanted to ask him something, but he had so many questions to ask that he couldn't think of what to say.

Mabel stood up and left Sweatertown to see what was happening. Once she saw the scientist from earlier, she said, "That's him! That's the guy! He said Dipper and me should go on adventures because we have special twin-brainwaves!"

"Of course you'd try to corrupt my family," said Stanford.

"Corrupt? _You're_ the one who wanted to leave poor ol' Sweater-Morty behind, not me!" said Rick.

"My neice and nephew have names, you know. They aren't 'Morties'," said Ford.

"Yeah, actually nn-no. They became Morties the second you decided to COPY MY MOTHERFUCKING FORMULA, bitch!"

"Excuse me?" said Ford.

"What? You-you think I didn't _know_? You think you could just take your Morties on mysterious science adventures, and I wouldn't notice, Stanford?" said Rick.

Ford said, "What I do with my family is none of your-"

"And you didn't even do it right! I could detect your brainwaves all the way out in my home dimension! I knew exactly where-where you were, thanks to you two *urrrp* magnifying each other's signals." said Rick, "And if you'd bothered to do it right, your brainwaves would'a been camouflaged, and Bill wouldn't have been able to track down Sweater-Morty and take advantage of her!"

"None of what you're saying makes any sense!" said Ford.

Meanwhile, Stanley was heading back to the Mystery Shack after disposing of that troublesome goat, Gompers. Immediately, he noticed something was wrong, since there seemed to be a UFO parked out in front of the Mystery Shack. As he got closer, he realized that there _was_ a UFO in front of the Mystery Shack, and it had a trash can on the side. He immediately became angry when he saw Stanford there, along with Dipper, Mabel, and some strange scientist that he'd never met. He quickened his pace as he approached.

"Oh hey, Stanford, isn't that the 'mentally retarded twin brother' you told me about?" said Rick.

" _Excuse me?_ " said Stan, "Stanford, care to explain what's going on here?" Stan was visibly on edge.

 "Hi, I'm Rick, I'm one of your _genius_ brother's _genius_ friends!" said Rick.

"And he was just leaving," said Ford.

Then, Stan noticed that Mabel was covered in splatters of blood. He looked Ford in  the eye and said, "What the... What... _What the heck is going on here, Stanford?_ WHAT HAPPENED TO MABEL?"

"I'm fine, Grunkle Stan! I just had to watch Rick shoot a guy who was possessed by Bill Cipher," said Mabel.

Stan was stunned. Several thoughts ran through his mind: _"Who is that guy, Rick?"_ , " _What did he do to the kids?_ ",  _"Who's Bill Cipher?"_ , " _Where's he from?_ ", _"What did Stanford do_ THIS TIME _?_ ", et cetera. 

Rick then said, "Hold on, are you *urrp* are you trying to _censor yourself_?"

Stan looked him in the eye with fury and said, "Of _course_ I am! They're _twelve!_ "

Rick turned to Ford and said, "Holy FUCKING SHIT, Stanford! I can't believe you took a FUCKING twelve-year-old on a FUCKING Rick and Morty adventure, you FUCKING BITCH!"

Stan said, "You what?"

Ford began to say, "The fate of the universe is at stake--"

"What did you do, Stanford?" said Stanley.

"I... Oh, who am I kidding, I don't need to explain myself to _you_! You'd probably screw it up if I did," said Ford.

"Oooooh! That's a FUCKING sick burn, Stanford! Way to put him in his place!" shouted Rick enthusiastically.

"And YOU! What did you do to my neice!" shouted Stan to Rick, who had figured out that the kids were too fascinated by the display to go inside at this point, instead choosing to stay at a distance and watch the metaphorical trainwreck unfold as they held each other.

Rick threw his hands into the air and said, "I didn't do anything! I saved her from some creep that was *urrrrrp* trying to take advantage of her! That's creep blood on your Morty, ok?"

"Morty? Who's 'Morty', and what does that have to do with _any_ of this?" said Stan.

"Morty is his grandson," said Ford.

"Yep, that's right! Morty is my *urrp* grandson that I take on adventures into space and other dimensions! But then _he_ copied that by taking that twelve-year old Spoon-Morty on an adventure into a UFO crash site to get some alien glue." explained Rick.

Stan stared utter contempt at his brother. "What did I tell you about KEEPING THE SUPERNATURAL STUFF AWAY FROM THE KIDS!?"

"I was trying to save the universe! I need to put that glue onto the rift that _you_ created in order to keep Bill Cipher from entering this dimension!" said Ford.

"You didn't tell me about ANY of that," said Stan.

"Oooh, oh! I *urp* I figured it out! You must be the Jerry of this dimension! You're the buzz kill that doesn't want Stanford taking his Morties on Rick and Morty adventures!" said Rick

Stan turned to Rick and said, "Stay out of this!" He turned back to Ford. "You could've gotten them _killed_ , Stanford!"

Ford said, "I was only taking Dipper to see if he was ready to be my apprentice. He shows so much potential--"

"What good is _potential_ if he's _dead?_ " said Stan.

"I saved him! I saved Ford's life, Grunkle Stan! Just like you wanted to do when you made the portal!" said Dipper.

"Woah! Where'd _you_ come from!?" said Rick, as he looked around, pretending not to know where Dipper was right away.

Stan turned to Dipper and said, "Look, Dipper. I know you're head-over-heels for the guy, and his weird journals. But now, you see where that kind of stuff gets you, okay?"

"Yeah! It gets you FOUR FREE INTERDIMENSIONAL SMARTPHONES!" said Rick. Immediately Mabel's interest was piqued, while the boys were confused. Rick walked over to the trunk of his UFO-car, and opened it up to get a box.

"Seriously? What's the deal with this guy?" said Stan, still sore from the initial shock of the situation.

Ford sighed, and said, "He's an old colleague of mine, from the Multiverse. For some reason, he's decided to come here and mess with me."

"But what about that whole 'saving the universe' thing?" said Stan.

" _That_ _'s_ true," said Ford, "Rick, what are you doing _now?_ "

"I'm *uuuurp* giving you your _smartphones_! _Duuuuh!_ "

"No. No way. You need to leave my family alone, _this instant_ _!_ " said Stan.

"They don't need to be recharged, though! They use vacuum energy to recharge! As long as the universe has ambient background energy, they'll stay on forever!" said Rick.

"Woah, that sounds really cool!" said Dipper.

"Dipper, isn't it obvious that Rick's just trying to _buy_ our friendship?" said Ford.

"I _literally_ saved your universe! I mean, okay, maybe I'm not a very nice guy, but *urrrp* _come on!_ " said Rick.

"You haven't saved it! I still have to apply the adhesive! And even then, do you think that means we owe you _anything?_ " said Ford.

"Uhh, well _yeah!_ " said Rick.

"Those phones aren't going to blow us up or anything, are they?" said Stan.

"Well, I mean, did _you_ blow up the universe when you opened that _portal_ your brother made?" said Rick.

"Who _told_ you about that? How do you know about that?" said Stan.

"He's been monitoring our dimension with multiverse-scouters. He's been spying on us." said Ford.

"Bingo!" said Rick, "Now, how 'bout I just leave these phones here. If they really are bombs, Mr _genius_ here can diffuse them like nobody's business! But once you do *urrp* start using 'em, there's gonna be a tutorial on how to use them, and transfer your phone numbers, and all sorts of stuff. Anyway, yeah, I see that I'm kinda overstaying my welcome. So *uurrp* see you guys later, Pines Family! _Wubba-lubba-dub-duuuuub!_ " Rick jumped into his UFO. Then, he floated into the air, and opened a portal which he flew through, thus exiting Dimension 46'\PmF.

"What a piece of... Um..." said Stan.

"Shit?" said Mabel.

"A piece of shit." said Dipper.

Stan sighed at that, exhausted by everything he'd witnessed in the past two minutes. "I was _gonna_ say piece of _work_ , but... whatever."

Ford, meanwhile, had already opened one of the phones to examine its parts. He awkwardly looked at the others, and said, "I'll go check them over there..." and walked away.

"Stanford!" began Stanley, "What do you think you're doing?"

"Do you have anything else to say to me, Stanley?" said Ford.

Stan hesitated, and said, "Not at the moment. I just..."

Ford said, "Good. Then I'll be over there."

The three of them sat on the stairs in front of the Mystery Shack, waiting for Ford to finish testing those smartphones.

"Wow," said Dipper.

" _You said it, bro-bro_ _!_ " said Mabel.

After a few minutes, Ford returned. He said, "They're all clear. Four interdimensional smartphones, with five contacts already inside. I think he means for us to become _friends_ with them."

"Wait, so, those people are in a different dimension?" said Dipper.

"Yes," said Ford, as Stan just glared at him.

"Woah! So that means I can make friends in other dimensions?" said Mabel.

"If they want to be your friends, then yes," said Ford.

Mabel quickly grabbed one of the phones, and began looking for the contacts. She found them, and was immediately interested in the two teenagers listed: Morty and Summer Smith. She said, "Time to make some interdimensional friends!" and ran inside.

After a while of awkward silence between the three Pines boys, Stan said, "Don't you two have a _universe_ to save, or something?"

"Right. The adhesive," said Ford. He went into the Mystery Shack, followed by Dipper. Then they went into the basement. Once they were in the portal-basement, Stanford took the adhesive and inserted it into a special injector. Then, he took out the Rift, and he injected the alien-adhesive into it. Dipper watched nervously, and despite small attempts to make conversation, it was clear that Grunkle Ford did not want to talk. At least, it seemed he didn't want to talk until he finished the task at hand.

"All right. There it is." said Ford.

"So now Bill Cipher can't come into our universe?" said Dipper.

"Yes, that's right." said Ford.

"But what about Rick's portals? Could he come into here from one of those?" asked Dipper.

"No. At least, I'm pretty sure he can't. The Universe-Portal and the Rift were both fully-permeable portals, and ones connected to the Nightmare Realm, at that. Based on the fact that Rick felt the need to use his junk-spaceship, I'm inclined to believe that his portals are semi-permeable, which means that they're useless for Bill's plans." said Ford.

"So that's it then!" said Dipper, as he began to relax his muscles and sit against the wall.

"Yeah. But we may have to deal with more of Rick. Rick is almost as bad as Bill Cipher, and in some ways, he's _worse._ " said Stanford.

"How can he be _worse_ than Bill Cipher? I mean, he never tried to hurt us, did he? He helped you, then he gave us these phones. He doesn't seem _that_ bad!"

"Trust me, Rick... Rick is the type of person who will 'help' you, and then make you feel terrible for accepting his help. You saw some of that just now, remember?"

"Oh. Well, I mean, he still doesn't seem that bad. But if you don't want me to talk to him, I won't."

"Right. _Don't_."

"But... Aside from Rick..."

"What is it?"

"I really hurt Mabel today. And that really sucks. So..."

"So?"

"So I don't want to be your apprentice if it means leaving Mabel behind."

"Oh, I see."

"And..."

"And?"

"And I don't think you should leave Grunkle Stan behind, either."

"Dipper, you don't understand-"

"No, I think I _do_ understand, Ford! Mabel was so hurt, she almost handed the Rift over to _Bill Cipher_!"

"Yes, that's exacty why she shouldn't be-"

"NO! I love Mabel, okay? And I think the way Rick makes you feel is the way that YOU are making Grunkle Stan feel." said Dipper, with tears in his eyes.

Stanford didn't say anything to that. Dipper silently left the underground lab, and went upstairs.

Mabel, meanwhile, had already gone upstairs, and started calling one of the numbers on the phone. The prospect of making new friends in other dimensions was too appealing to ignore. Each ring made Mabel even more excited. Then, the call connected to a boy named "Morty Smith".

"Um... Who-who is this?" said a voice that was WAY too familiar.

" _Time travel guy_? Is that _you_?" asked Mabel.

"Oh, um, no..." said Morty, "I may go on-on some adventures in the multiverse, but I don't do time travel. Who are you, a-anyway?"

"My name is _Mabel Pines_! I just met your grandpa! He gave me this phone, and he, um, he helped us out of a pretty sticky situation," said Mabel.

"Oh. Oh wow. What did he do to you?" asked Morty.

Mabel said, "Oh! Um... Well, he caught this thing that was about to destroy the universe. Then, he killed a guy, but the guy happened to be possessed by Bill Cipher, and he sounded _just_ like you!"

"Really? The 'Time Travel Guy', right?"

"Yeah. Then he yelled at me and said I was stupid for wishing for summer to last forever. Then he threw me into a portal that sent me home, then he got into a big science-argument with my Grunkle Ford."

"Really. W-well that sucks. He didn't hurt you, did he?"

"Well, not gonna lie, it was _preeety_ traumatizing seeing him kill a guy like that. But I guess it's not the first time I've seen someone die. I think I'll be fine."

"Oh, wow. Wait, this isn't the first time? Who else did you see die?"

"Well, I guess there were those haunted wax sculptures, and there was also a golf ball person, and all those little aliens who killed themselves when we discovered them..."

"Oh. Sounds like, like you went on a bunch of adventures too, huh?"

"Yep, Gravity Falls sure is a wacky place!"

"Huh. Oh, by the way, Mabel, what's a 'Grunkle'?"

"It's short for Great Uncle."

"Oh, I see."

"Also he called Dipper and me 'Morties', what's up with that? I mean you _are_ Morty, right?"

"Oh jeez, he's doing that to you guys, huh? Rick, he's a-a bit of an asshole, but you probably know that right?"

"Yeah, I saw it."

"Yeah, he-he, and a lot of the other Ricks in the multiverse, they don't treat us Morties too good."

"Wait, there's more of you?"

"Yeah. Infinite universe, infinite versions of everyone, especially Rick and me, since he invented that portal gun."

"Wow. I wonder if I'll ever meet any other Mabels, or Dippers, or Grunkles!"

"Well, your 'Grunkle', he has his own portal gun too, doesn't he?"

"Not really. He just had one portal in the basement, but it broke."

"Oh. Well, I guess you're gonna have to rebuild it or something. Or..."

"Or what?"

"Well, I bet my grandpa's gonna visit you guys again sometime. A few days ago, he said something about meeting other teenagers in the multiverse."

"Huh, really? So you think he visited us on purpose?"

"Rick always does stuff on purpose. He just doesn't care about stuff that much, though. Unless it has something to do with his ego, I-I guess."

"Oh, I see."

"Yeah. Well, I hope you stay safe, Mabel. You seem like a nice kid."

"Aww, thanks, Morty! You're so sweet!"

"Oh, well I-I guess so..."

"I hope I see you soon Morty!"

"Yeah, see you soon, Mabel!"

Then, Mabel hung up the phone. She lay in her bed. She was pretty shaken up from all the stuff that happened that day, but talking with Morty made her feel... calm. And it made her feel somehow secure in herself, even though he was in a different dimension. Mabel lay down on the bed, letting the feelings of happiness and fatigue team up to put her to sleep.

Then Dipper came into the room. He saw that Mabel was sleeping. He thought about waking her up, but she actually looked like she was happy there. After all this, something made her happy. He didn't want to disturb that. So he went to bed. He tried to go to sleep, but he couldn't. He kept thinking about what had almost happened with Bill. He thought about how he almost lost his sister. He thought about the strange man, who may have had some good advice about these thoughts. He thought about how the man made Grunkle Ford feel the way that Stan and Ford made each other feel. He thought about how weird, but also cool, his trash-UFO looked. He didn't get any sleep that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> y qynn xeler oeb byrez cj ryui pgwbyxo jcrz'w pknnw


	6. Look, Mom! No Wand!

" _Guess whoooo_? It's me, Star!" said Star Butterfly, as she wiped the steam off of the camera of her laptop.

 

 

 

"I have some pretty sad news. Well... First Marco got kidnapped, so I went to save him. But then some guy with _weeirrd_ blue spiky-hair and a lab-coat took my wand, and also saved Marco with a portal! Right now I'm super bummed, because I'm not gonnna do magic anymore... But at least Marco's okay! Say hi, Marco!" Star pointed the laptop at Marco, who was drying his hair with a green towel, while his body was covered in a pink towel with fluffy floral patterns.

"He-ey!" said Marco as he scrambled to close the intrusive laptop, (StarFan13 saw the feed cut off, and was a bit bummed by that) "I don't want the computer to watch me shower." Then, one of the laser-puppies blasted Marco in the face, and he was like, "OW! Okay, this is not how I wanted to start the day!"

Star said, "Well, _I_ didn't want to start the day without magic, but I guess we can't all get what we want, _can we_ , Marco?"

"Look, I'm sorry I got _kidnapped_ , Star! But we had no idea how dangerous that 'Toffee' guy was, and we _definitely_ didn't know that a scientist was gonna swoop down out of nowhere and steal your wand!" said Marco, as he finished drying his hair.

Star sighed and said, "Yeah. That was crazy. Also, I think Buffrog is my friend now. Pretty sure Ludo still isn't, though."

"Huh," said Marco, "Well what are you going to do now?"

"Whadd'ya mean?"

"Well, y'know, your wand is an important royal artifact, right?"

"Yeah, what about it?"

"Well, what's your _mom_ gonna think about it?"

"Oh no. Oh no, ohnonononono..." Star grabbed a hairbrush and began chewing on it as if it was her wand.

Marco said, "Don't do that," as he grabbed the hairbrush.

"Marco, I dunno what my mom's gonna _do to me_ once she finds out my wand is missing! Maybe she's gonna throw me in the _dungeon_! Maybe she's gonna _banish_ me into _exile_ , FOREVER! She might even... _send me to St. Olga's_!" said Star, now biting her nails just to have something to bite.

"I thought we took care of St. Olga's, though?" said Marco.

"Oh, right," said Star. She was so worried, she wasn't thinking straight.

The two of them took a deep breath, and then walked over to Marco's room. Marco said, "Too bad there's no way you can use magic _without_ your wand..."

Just as Star was about to respond to that, her magic-book slid out from beneath her bed, levitated into the air, and then slammed Marco into Star's closet (his towel fell off and he was left naked). He yelled, "No! My towel!"

"Hang on, I'll get you out!" said Star as she went for the door.

"Whoawhoawhoa, wait a second! I'm not decent!" protested Marco.

"Oh, okay," said Star.

"Don't open that!" said Marco, as he scrambled to put on some rags that were laying around.

"Wasn't gonna," said Star.

Marco then tried to leave the closet, but when he turned the doorknob, the door didn't open. He said, "Uhh, it's locked."

"What!?" Star grabbed the knob. She twisted it as hard as she could. She pressed her feet against the door-frame and stood sideways to get more leverage.

"Try using the knob," said Marco, who also wasn't quite thinking straight.

" _What do you think I'm doing_?" said Star, supremely annoyed. Then the laser-puppy walked by, shooting its lasers and Star was like "No, not now, sweetie!" As she continued trying to pry open the door, she said, "I usually try to open this door with my wand..."

"Well, this time, your book locked it." said Marco.

" _Better not be poking around in there_! That's my _secrets_ \- _closet_! _It's prrvate_!"

"Just get me out of here!"

Star continued to strain as she kept trying to open her closet door. Then she accidentally let go when she was spooked by Glossaryck, who went all up in her face and said, "What are you doing?"

"Oh hey, Glossaryck, Marco's locked in the closet..." said Star, " _Waaait a minuute_..."

Glossaryck put up his hands and said, "Oops, you caught me!"

Marco banged his hands against the door. He said, "Aha! What's going on, it this some sort of _training thing_?"

Glossaryck poked his head through the keyhole and said, "Are _you_ some kind of training thing? Are you mad? Is this wolf-kabob car bandage na-na-ba-na-na-na..."

Marco grabbed him by the head, and said, "Stop, stop. Just let me out of here!"

"Okay, I'll tell you what to do. Are you listening?" said Glossaryck.

Marco let out a heavy groan, and said, "Yes, I am listening."

Glossaryck's eyes bugged out, and he said ominously, "To reach the chunks in hobo-stew, find her secret, that's the clue."

Marco said, "So if I find her secret, you'll open the door?"

But Glossaryck only said, "Goodbye!" before leaving the closet.

Marco then went to work, searching for Star's secret in her closet full of secrets.

 

* * *

 

Glossaryck went to Star and said, "Why don't you open the door with magic?"

Star responded, "I can't do magic. My wand was stolen by some mad scientist."

Glossaryck said, "Hmm... What a shame... Looks like you're gonna have to try... the _hard way_."

Star's curiosity was piqued. "What's the _hard way_?"  
"You've never heard of the _hard way_?"

"Nope. Sounds hard though."

"Oh, it is. But I can teach you."

"Ok. Teach me!"

"The lesson begins inside my eyeball." Glossaryck's diamond-shaped eye appeared to envelop the whole room, then he and Star appeared to be sailing through the sky with a cauldron of soup. Glossaryck began the lesson: "Imagine the universe as this bog old cauldron, and magic is the bubbly stew inside. Your wand is the spoon..."

"My wand isn't a spoon. It's a wand. And also, I don't have it anymore." interrupted Star.

Glossaryck said. "It's a metaphor, Star."

Star just said, "No, it's a wand."

Glossaryck gave in to her dumb stubbornness, and said, "Fine, it's a wand."

Star clapped and said, "Now you're getting it!" Glossaryck rolled his eyes.

He stroked the wand across the surface of the stew, saying "Your wand can-sorry, _could_ -only skim the surface of the hobo-gravy, watery and brown. However... if you want to get to the chunks, you've got to 'dip down'." Then, he dipped his hands into the stew, and then lifted them out, holding several chunks of the stew. "Get it?"

Star instantly nodded, but then realized she was wrong and then shook her head and said, "Nuh-uh..."

Glossaryck then said, "Look, you can do magic without your wand. You just have to dip down, okay? _Dip down_."

"Without my wand?" said Star.

"Your mom did it." replied Glossaryck.

"Pssh! If _she_ can do it, _I_ can do it!" said an overconfident Star, "I just gotta 'dip down'."

She picked up a laser puppy, then gave it a little head-scratch to make him shoot a steady beam at the door. But Glossaryck was in the way, and he shouted, "Hot laser!" A hole was burned into his hand.

"So sorry!" said Star.

Glossaryck said, "Star, try dipping _down-er_ for the chunks."

Star went into the upper part of the room to think about how to do that. Glossaryck checked on Marco: "Ah, Marco mah boi. How's it going over there?"

Marco, who was sorting through massive, slightly tangled piles of Star's junk, said, "Oh, you know, just trying to find her 'secret' in a closet full of _secrets_!"

Glossaryck taunted him: "Yes, well you know I do this because I love you."

" _Well_. You know the saying?" began Marco.

"What saying?" mused Glossaryck.

"If you love someone, _set them free_!" said Marco angrily.

"Haha, nice try. Now if you don't mind, I've got work to do..." Glossaryck's eyes went black and he floated in place. Marco tapped him, and he floated backward like a balloon. It seemed like he was on an invisible horizontal plane. Marco looked into his eyes, and saw a tower in the middle of space. He wondered what that was for a little bit, and then returned to the task at hand.

* * *

 

Star, meanwhile, had been pacing back and forth, saying "Dip down." over and over again. She thought about the spoon, and she thought about her mom. She thought about the big blue butterfly-mewberty form that her mom took when she wanted to scare people. She thought about her magic heart-cheeks. She thought about the old man that took her wand. She thought about what her mom might do if she found out that the wand was stolen. She realized her mom _was_ going to find out that the wand was stolen, eventually. It felt bad, so she decided not to think about that.

She thought about what Marco might be doing inside her "Closet of Secrets". She thought about how Glossaryck always talked in those stupid riddles. She thought about how Marco's towel fell when the book slammed into him. She thought about the split-second glimpse she had seen of Marco's dangling wiener. She felt funny about that. She tried not to think about it, but the funny tingling she felt in her body was interesting; the harder she tried not to think about it, the more she thought about it. Then, she thought about how Marco was going through all her secret stuff. She thought about how she _needed_ to dip down _right now_ , before he found anything too sensitive.

She then proceeded to make several completely unsuccessful attempts to dip down. First she tried throwing the contents of her aquarium at the door, saying "Aquarium-Blast!" Then, she picked up a pufferfish, and threw it saying, "Fish-Blast!" She also tried throwing "Mewnian Termytes" at the door, but those just bit Marco and made him scream like a girl.

Star went to her mirror-phone, and called her mother. Once the call connected, Queen Moon Butterfly appeared, and said, "Star?"

Star responded with a nervous "Hi Mommy..."

Moon, still uncertain about why her daughter was calling, said "What did you do?" in an exasperated-but-concerned tone.

Star immediately felt like she was put on the spot (since her wand was stolen), so she stammered nervously for a few seconds before she said, "Okay, well, Glossaryck locked Marco in the closet, and he says I have to 'dip down' in order to get him out."

"Dip down?" said Queen Moon, "I didn't learn that until I was _nineteen_!"

"Really?" replied Star, "So, like, I guess that means I'm... _advanced_ , heh heh heh!"

"Hmmph. Well, I _suppose_."

"Anyway, Glossaryck didn't give me any instructions. He just told me about some hobo-chunks in a cauldron of soup."

"Ha! That sounds familiar. Well, it's not easy. If you want to dip down, you have to summon everything you have."

" _Everything_ I have?"

"Star, you do know what I mean by 'everything', right?"

"Yeah, totally!" She turned off the mirror and cut off the call.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in space, Glossaryck had flown to the foot of the huge tower that Marco had seen. He approached the entrance, where an anthropomorphic moose was standing beside the door.

"Hey Mister Glossaryck, what brings _you_ here today?" said the moose.

"I need to meet with the Magic High Commission, Sean," said Glossaryck, "It's a matter of _cosmic_ importance."

"Well, of course! Let me just call them on my radio!" said Sean. He activated a little radio on his shoulder, then said, "Hi, Magic High Commission, got a Ten-Eighteen here."

"Ten-Four," replied a woman's voice, "Who is it?"

"It's Glossaryck. He says he wants to meet, like, right now." said Sean.

"Hi, Hekapoo!" said Glossaryck.

"Send him up," said Hekapoo.

The door opened, and Glossaryck went inside. Sean said, "I just need to search you for any magical devices, talismans, and whatnot. You know the drill."

"Sure. I have all the time in the world. Do what you need to do," said Glossaryck.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in Star's closet, Marco had gathered all of Star's belongings, and sorted them into two piles: "Secrets" and "Not Secrets". Marco said to himself, "Marco Diaz, makin' progress..."

On the other side of the door, Star had gathered everything in her room into a giant pile on a catapult. She took a sword and said, "You want _everything_? Then _everything_ you shall get!" Then she cut the spring and launched all of her stuff at the closet door. It didn't work. And on the other side, the force of the impact caused Marco's two organized piles to fall apart.

Meanwhile, in the meeting-hall of the Magic High Commission, Glossaryck approached the four of them, who were seated behind elevated desks: A space-skull named Omnitraxus Prime, a humanoid-reptilian-crystal-face named Rhombulus, a winged goat-man named Lekmet, and a red-headed fire-demon named Hekapoo.

"What brings _you_ here?" asked Hekapoo.

"I suspect that there has been... a certain kind of interdimensional activity, recently..." said Glossaryck.

"What _kind_ of interdimensional activity?" asked Rhombulus.

"I'm not quite sure," said Glossaryck, "I suggest that you check the archives." He turned to the crystal ball with a skull inside, "Maybe you've seen something, Omnitraxus?"

Omnitraxus Prime said, "Umm, well, I can't say I've seen anything worth mentioning... yet... But I'll definitely be on the lookout!"

"If there's interdimensional activity, it might have something to do with Dimensional Scissors, right? If that's the case, I'll look into any dimensional scissor activity." said Hekapoo.

Omnitraxus said, "Of course, Hekapoo."

Glossaryck said, "Very well then. Thank you for your time, my children. Oh. By the way, look into the Avarius castle. I suspect that Toffee has been doing something there. Good day."

Lekmet then said, "Baaahahh bhahaa'aahha!" and the meeting was adjourned.

* * *

 

In Star's room, she lay on the ground, surrounded by all her stuff. It represented her failure to dip down and summon "everything she had". Star said, "Well, Marco, looks like I'm just a skimmer. Skimmin' the surface of the hobo-gravy. The salty, watery hobo-gravy. How are things goin' for you?"

Marco said, "Not so good. Actually, you thwarted my progress."

Star sighed, and said, "I guess it's not that bad. I can slide sandwiches under the door. Bring you your homework. Life could be good for you."

But Marco groaned and said, "I don't wanna live in your secrets closet." At that moment, Glossaryck's eyes rolled back into existence. Marco remembered his anger: "Ok, mister magic-imp! No more riddles. Tell me what I'm supposed to be looking for!" Marco poked Glossaryck, and his gem shined a bright light in his face. Marco flinched. Then, he stood up and stumbled around. When he readjusted his eyes, he saw blobs of light. He also saw a small, gem-encrusted, pink book. "Oh, so this is the thing!" said Marco. He then said to Star, "Star, I found a book!"

Star was so sad that she didn't think about what the book might have been. After all, she had plenty of books all over the place. She told Marco, "That's good. Reading will keep the mind sharp. Like a horn."

Marco opened the book, and began to read by the light of Glossaryk's gem. He said, "It's in Mewnian writing," He continued to read. "Oh wait, here's English: 'Chapter One, Mom's a Poophead.'"

Star's heart jumped in place-it was her personal journal. She said to Marco, "No! Wait, Marco, no! No nonono no! That's not the thing, it's not the thing!"

Marco said, "Look, Star, I just wanna get out of here, okay?" He continued to read. "On my eleventh birthday, I put milk-eels and crying baldy-snakes into the turtle stew, and I think everyone ate it and lliked it. (At least I hope they did)"

"Put it down, Marco! You're not supposed to be reading that!" begged Star.

"Yeah. Well, you know _what_? I'm not supposed to be _locked_ in your _closet_ , either! So I don't care if I have to read every single little thing in this book. If it gets me out of here, _so be it_!"

"Noooo, why do you have to be this way, Marco?"

"Moving forward. Chapter Eleven, My Thoughts On... Marco?"

" _Dip down_." Star's cheeks and eyes filled the room with a blue glow. Star levitated into the air. The door magically opened, and Marco spilled out onto the floor.

Once Star fell back down to earth, she realized that she had just used magic. She was stoked! "I DID IT! I dipped down! I dipped down and used magic without my wand!" She grabbed her journal and hit him with it. Marco complained when she did, so she said, "Sorry. But don't read my journal!"

Glossaryck looked at Star and said, "Well, congratulations. You're well on your way to doing magic without the wand."

Star appreciated the compliment, but it didn't erase the fact that she still didn't have a wand. She would have to adjust to her new reality, and realize that she had screwed up.

And then her mirror-phone started ringing. She navigated her spilled piles of stuff to get it. Meanwhile, Marco had gone to put some proper clothes on. Once she found her phone, she opened it, and saw that it was her BFF, Princess Lilacia Ponyhead, who was calling her. She accepted the call, and saw that Ponyhead was at St. Olga's Reform School for Wayward Doing Just Fine Princesses. She could hear a few Princesses rambling in the background.

"Heyy, B-Fly!" said Ponyhead, "Wassup?"

"Oh, nothing much, Ponyhead, just dealing with some... stuff," answered Star.

"Ok. Well. While you were dealing with your _stuff_ , you _totally_ missed one hell of a _par-tay_!" said Ponyhead.

" _Whaaaaaat_? What'd I miss?" said Star, who was now instantly interested.

Ponyhead began the story: "Ok. So here's what happened. We were all partying and stuff, when this guy looking like some sort of mad scientist..." Star instantly felt hollow and nervous at that, "... came up to the school, and he was all like, 'Is this a party-school?' and we were all like, 'You _bet_ this is a party-school!' and he was all like 'Nah, seems pretty tame.' and we were all like 'Yo. You did _not_ just call us _tame_!'"

"I'm not tame! I'm a _wiiilld bitch_!" said a princess in the background.

"Hey. Dog-Princess. Did I _ask_ you to interrupt me?" said Ponyhead, "Anyway, he was all like 'I bet I have more party in me than all you little girls have in this whole school, combined.' and we were all like 'Oh yeah? Then let's do a _party-off_! Then we'll see who's _tame_!" Star was immediately intrigued. The man who stole her wand also challenged all the princesses at St. Olga's to a _party-off_. Maybe, just maybe, he might have lost the wand at the party. In which case, she might have a chance to get it back!

"What happened next?" asked Star.

"Okay, so things got pretty intense. He took this portal gun, and shot a bunch of green portals. Then we got a bunch of alcoholic drinks, like beer and wine and vodka and tequila, and we started chugging _mad_. And we also had some cocaine, some kakberry-juice, some Salvia, and a bunch of other stuff. This party was _mad_ , yo! It was like, the party of the century! There was like, space ships with some more partiers, and then they started a space-fight cuz one of them was cheating at cards, so they blew up the other ship and were all like 'That's what cheaters get!' and then we kept drinking alcoholic beverages, so we all passed out, and when we were passed out, the science-guy took all our dimensional scissors and drew a bunch of dicks on everyone's faces. Except for mine, cuz he recognizes my greatness, or something like that."

Star just stared at the screen, trying to absorb everything Ponyhead just said. Marco, now fully dressed, walked up to Star and asked her, "Who're you talking to?" Then, he realized it was Ponyhead.

Star turned to Marco, and said, "Marco, remember the guy who saved you yesterday?" Marco nodded. "Well, Ponyhead just saw him last night!"

"Wait, you know the guy?" said Ponyhead.

"Yeah," said Star, "He's the guy who stole my..." (Careful now.) "...dimensional scissors."

"Oh no, he took yours too? Guess that means we're all stranded here until we can find someone to take us home then." said Ponyhead.

"Oh no! That's too bad!" said Marco sarcastically, "Too bad there wasn't any way to prevent your... our... dimensional scissors from getting stolen! At least you princesses can still... party!"

"Look Earth-Turd, we had a pretty intense night last night. We're all partied out, and all those other poor princesses had dicks drawn on them."

Marco said, "Seriously?" Then, a few chuckles could be heard behind Ponyhead.

"What kind of person would do that? Challenge people to a party-off, and then draw a bunch of dicks on the losers while they're asleep?" said Star sincerely.

"I dunno," said Ponyhead, "But at least _I_ was spared from such a gruesome fate." More chuckles could be heard. Ponyhead turned around and said, "Alright, what's so funny?" A drawing of a veiny dick could be seen on the back of Ponyhead's neck. Connected to it was a stream of semen, which was drawn spilling onto a drawing of Ponyhead (with her tongue sticking out and hearts for eyes).

_Marco erupted into uncontrollable laughter._

"Allright, Earth-Turd, what's your problem?" said Ponyhead.

"Um... Ponyhead. You also have a drawing of a dick on you," said Star solemnly.

"What!? No way!" said Ponyhead.

"Yes. There's a dick, and a picture of you. And there's some white stuff coming out of the dick and onto the drawing of your head." said Star.

Marco continued to cackle. He tried to say something, perhaps about semen, or about Ponyhead, but he was laughing so hard that he couldn't say anything at all.

"Oh. Well, this sucks. Anyway, nice talking to you, Star!" said Ponyhead, now a little somber herself. Then, she hung up.

"So. The guy who stole my wand also out-partied all the princesses at St. Olga's," stated Star.

Marco controlled his laughter just enough to say, "Well. I mean yeah, I mean he did steal your wand, but..."

"But _what_ , Marco?" said Star.

"I mean, he also saved me. And-and anyone who draws a dick-WITH CUM-on Ponyhead is at least a _little_ alright in my book!" he said, before laughing more.

"Marco, how _could you_?" said Star.

"I'm sorry, it's just..." Marco lost control of his laughter again.

Star sat down in silence, absorbing all the information while Marco continued to laugh. At least she knew how to dip down, though! That kept her going.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wiener, wiener-wiener, wiener-wiener, wiener-wiener, wiener...  
> One wiener, next to another wiener! (wiener-wiener, wiener-wiener, wiener-wiener, wiener-)  
> Two weiners, alongside yet another wiener. (party, weiner-party, weiner-party, weiner-party, party-)  
> Soft wieners, nice and soft! Non-erect! Wieners! (flopping, keep them flopping, flopping wieners, flopping wieners, dangle-)  
> Five wieners, in my face! Keeping more wieners... (dangle wieners, dangle wieners, dangle wieners)


	7. Keep It Inside

Steven had always thought the Gems were a little weird. Of course, the fact that he was half-gem meant that he was a little weird too. However, after he met with White Diamond, the Ruler of Homeworld and the Great Diamond Authority, he couldn't help but feel a little scared and paranoid every time he saw them. He knew that Crystal Gems keeping secrets from each other was bad, as he had learned the hard way from the "Secret Team" incident, but this time was different. This wasn't just some accident that he could cover up, it was his _identity_. His _mother_ ' _s_ identity, too. Occasionally, he would tap his gem, and hold it, thinking about whether or not he really was a Diamond.

Sometimes, Steven tried to tell himself that he wasn't his mom. That's not how Pearl saw it, though. And even Amethyst and Garnet seemed to be very fond of "Rose Quartz". But if what White Diamond said was true, then they might not have even known the real _Pink Diamond_ this whole time. But then again, Homeworld was evil, and evil people lied on purpose. So White Diamond was just lying, on purpose. But if that was the case, then Steven should certainly tell the Crystal Gems that White Diamond visited him personally? But why _would_ White Diamond visit him personally? Peridot thought that all the Gems were wiped out, which meant that only White Diamond would have known, but if that were the case, then it meant that White Diamond _did_ have the ability to sense _every_ gem in the universe! And why else would White Diamond visit Steven all the way out here if his mom _wasn't_ a diamond?

Steven eventually realized that all the thinking was making his head hurt. It was also making his heart hurt, especially since he was living right next to people that might turn on him if they found out his secret. Steven tried to think about how to talk about his feelings, but he came up empty. Steven eventually resigned himself to going through the motions, and telling himself that all of this was totally fine. Everything was fine.

So when Steven did all of his laundry with the Crystal Gems, he was fine.

At least until Garnet said, "We need to track down Peridot. We found her pod. We know she's out there. She came to Earth with a job to do and odds are, she's still gonna try to do it. That's why I've gathered you all here."

Steven's skin tightened into goosebumps when he heard that.

"I thought we were just gonna be doing laundry together!" said Steven.

"That too. The chore wheel idea you had fell apart fast." said Garnet.

"Wasn't me." said Amethyst.

Steven glanced at the chore-wheel, and remembered how Pearl had crossed out all of the other names and replaced them with hers.

Pearl said, "I just really enjoy doing all those things."

Steven was a little amused by that, but then he remembered what White Diamond had said about her, and he worried again.

Garnet said, "It's better if we do them _together_."

Amethyst said, "Humans should just stop wearing clothes, it'd be a lot funnier."

Steven said, "Well. I'll have you know I'm a civilified part human, thank you very much! Clothing is a must. Oh! And I bet this would be even faster if Ruby and Sapphire were here!"

"I'm sure they'd be glad to see you, Steven," said Garnet, "But I am _not_ unfusing for laundry."

Steven moaned in disappointment.

Pearl said, "Garnet, you don't think Peridot would come looking for us, do you?"

Garnet answered, "We weren't her priority. She was sent here to do something in the Kindergarten."

"Do you think she's still going to try to reactivate it?" asked Pearl.

"Hmm... If she reactivates it, the injectors will turn back on." said Garnet.

"Injectors? What are those?" asked Steven.

"You've already seen them," said Pearl, "Well, you've seen them disabled. If Peridot reactivates them, then they'll pick up where they left off, planting Gems in the crust of the Earth, where they'll incubate and suck the life right out of the ground. We can't let Peridot restart Gem production here. If we do, the entire planet will become..."

"...Janked," finished Garnet.

"Garnet that mouth!" said Amethyst.

"Wait, what about the Cluster?" asked Steven.

"The whatnow?" asked Amethyst. Pearl also made an uncertain noise.

"I've never heard of any 'Cluster', Steven," said Garnet.

"Where did you hear about this 'Cluster'?" asked Pearl.

"Oh! Ummm..." Steven was somewhat petrified. White Diamond told him, but he didn't want to tell them about her. But he _did_ hear Peridot using that word on the ship. So luckily, he was able to say, "I heard Peridot talking about it on the ship. She said the whole reason she came was to check on the 'Cluster'."

Garnet said, "Well, then, we'll see what this 'Cluster' is, and if it threatens the planet, we'll stop it."

"Okay!" said Steven.

Garnet went to the Warp Pad, and said, "C'mon, Crystal Gems."

The three Gems gathered at the Warp Pad. Garnet beckoned for Steven to come, and called his name. Amethyst said, "C'mon, that means you too, right?"

Garnet said, "You're a civilified part-Gem too, after all."

Pearl said, "Garnet, are you sure we should bring Steven? This might be dangerous."

Garnet reassured her: "Peridot's got nothing we can't handle."

The four of them proceeded to the Kindergarten. As the looked around at the barren cliffscape, they didn't notice any changes. The massive Injectors, which they feared being reactivated, were standing motionless in place. Nothing looked out of place in that valley of death. The Gems decided to spread out in order to check the area. Steven, figuring that the place was pretty safe, decided to look around as well.

Then, he heard Peridot. "Log date six-five-two." she said, "This is Peridot, updating status. Still stuck on miserable planet. The fusion experiments are developing properly. A few have even emerged _early_..." Then, she saw Steven, and she froze in place.

Steven met her gaze, then waved at her. Peridot asked him quietly, "Are the... _other ones..._ with you?"

Steven nervously waved his arms around indecipherably, then shrugged. Then, he shook his head, but he gave in and nodded.

"Of course! Why not?" said Peridot as she face-touch-stumped.

" _Peridot!_ " yelled Garnet.

"There she is!" yelled Pearl.

They launched themselves at Peridot, summoning their weapons. Peridot deftly dodged Garnet's lunge, and ducked Pearl's swipe. Amethyst showed up and say "Hey!"

Pearl said, "You're cornered!" but Peridot noticed that the wall was right next to her. So she ran upwards.

Garnet launched her fist-rockets at Peridot, who tossed herself sideways to dodge it. She taunted them, "Ha! you missed!"

The four Crystal Gems stared intently, but Amethyst let out a "We'll see about that!"

The next thing Peridot heard was crash above her as the gauntlets slammed into one of the injectors. She looked upward to see that the injector was now falling toward her.

She cursed to herself, and then felt the impact of the falling machine catch her and put her in motion. Then, she felt herself being slammed into the ground.

Steven looked at the pile of rubble, and asked, "Do you think she's hurt?"

As soon as Peridot began running away, Amethyst said, "Nope!" and caught Peridot in her whip. Peridot lifted one of her touch-stumps and zapped the whip, forcing Amethyst to drop it saying, "Whoa! Hot whip!"

Peridot launched herself into the air and began to fly by the magnetism of her limb-enhancers, then said, "You Crystal-Clods! Go ahead! Wreck this place! See if _I_ care! I already got what I came for!"

Pearl shouted, "Get back here!" as she chased after Peridot, who was just laughing at them.

"I'm gonna bop her _good_ ," said Amethyst.

Steven began to run, but then he noticed that his legs weren't connecting to anything because Garnet was holding him up. He was confused, and said, "Hurry, Garnet!"

Garnet calmly reminded him, "If Peridot's mission was to reactivate the Kidnergarten, the injectors would be active. But they aren't."

"Oh, right. So then it must be the Cluster." said Steven.

"Exactly," said Garnet, "Let's go find out what this 'Cluster' is."

Garnet picked up Steven and jumped into the shaft which led to the basement that Peridot was trying to reach. Steven felt nervous as he was held by her, but he still loved her, so he clung to that love to reassure himself that it'd be okay. Once they reached the end of the shaft, Garnet put Steven down. Then, Steven asked her, "What are Diamonds? What's the deal with them?"

"You're wondering about the Diamonds. That must be why you seem troubled lately." responded Garnet.

Steven felt put on the spot by that. Still, he knew that Jasper had mentioned Yellow Diamond, so he said, "Well, Jasper said Yellow Diamond needed to see me. So I'm just wondering. How many Diamonds are there? And what do they do?"

Garnet paused for a few seconds to gather herself. Then, she said, "Diamonds are the rulers of Homeworld. There are three of them-White Diamond, Blue Diamond, and Yellow Diamond. White Diamond is the supreme ruler of Homeworld, and has authority over all gems, including the other Diamonds..." That matched White Diamond's description practically word-for-word. Steven felt an ache in the pit of his stomach. (Or maybe it was his gem?) "...Blue Diamond is the 'artistic' one. She concerns herself with matters of appearance above all else. She is the diamond that Ruby and Sapphire served before we found each other, but that's a story for a different day. You want to know about Yellow Diamond."

"Yes," said Steven.

"Yellow Diamond is someone who is concerned about efficiency and accuracy above all else. She's the 'nerd' of the Diamond Authority-her gems have a greater affinity for technology than those of Blue or White, and she usually carries herself in a calm, calculating manner." said Garnet.

"So that's why Jasper and Peridot had all that advanced technology?"

"Yes. If any Diamond is concerned with maximizing the effectiveness of technology, it's Yellow."

Steven nervously considered whether or not to ask the next question, but he did ask, "What about Pink Diamond? What's she like?"

"Pink Diamond was the Diamond who originally tried to turn Earth into a Gem colony. Rose Quartz originally belonged to her, but she rebelled. Eventually, when it became clear that Pink Diamond would not leave Earth alone, Rose Quartz shattered her to end the war. After we built the Temple, Rose Quartz ensured that she could never be brought back by melting her shards in the Burning Room."

"Would any of the Diamonds ever visit Earth?"

"I doubt it, Steven. The Diamonds took Earth as a lost cause once Pink Diamond was shattered by Rose Quartz. They are the ones who attacked every Gem on Earth, and turned them into those corrupted monsters. Peridot thought that every Gem was destroyed, so I doubt the Diamonds would go to the effort of visiting here."

Steven felt a knot in his guts, and it seemed the tightest in the immediate area around his gem. His diamond. Garnet said White Diamond wouldn't go to the effort of visiting Earth, but he knew that White Diamond had visited him. And the Diamonds attacked Earth thinking that Pink Diamond had, indeed, been shattered. All those corrupted gems were hurt because Pink Diamond faked her shattering. Steven tried not to think about all that, but it was hard. Thankfully, his thoughts were interrupted by Garnet saying, "Anyway, we came here to see what Peridot was looking for. The 'Cluster'."

"Right," said Steven.

The two of them walked deeper into the underground lab, until they found a familiar scene. This time, however, the scene was a little different, as several cylinders of earth had been pulled out of the ceiling and the ground.

Steven said, "Wow... This place is even creepier than the last time we were here."

Garnet said, "Yes, there's something going on... It looks like Peridot pulled these out of the walls." She pointed to the cylinders.

Then, a skittering noise could be heard from somewhere in the room. Steven jumped a little, and Garnet walked over to investigate it. One of the dirt-cylinders was shaking.

"Garnet?" said Steven, "Is there something in there?"

A creature, which looked like a blue hand fused to a red foot, began skittering sloppily out of the cracks of one of the dirt-cylinders. Steven yelped, and Garnet picked it up to examine it. She stood there for a while, examining the creature, until she poofed it and held its gem; it consisted of two different gem-shards stuck together at the middle. Garnet cringed, and then tossed away the gem. Upon a second glance, more creatures could be seen skittering and limping around the area, and more cylinders began to shake. Two of them fell over.

"So that's what these things are? Gems, stuck together?" said Steven.

Garnet didn't answer him. She just stood in place.

Then, one of the pillars split in two at the middle, revealing another clump of gem-shards. It was glowing, since it was forming. The glow expanded outward, until it reached out into several shrieking light-sillhouettes of forming gems. Then, their forms scrambled and corrected themselves into several arms and one leg, in the shape of a large, multicolored hand and arm. The other end had several legs and feet. The monster began crawling toward Garnet, who was now making whimpering noises of disturbance.

"Garnet?" said Steven, "Is this the Cluster?" Garnet just stared at the amalgamation as it kept crawling toward her. One of the creatures grabbed Steven by the ankle, and he instinctively kicked it away. "Garnet? Garnet, what do we do?"

Garnet made more nervous vocalizations when the amalgamation grabbed her. Then, she said, "These were Crystal Gems, shattered into pieces! They were buried together!"

"Why aren't you moving?" asked Steven.

Garnet continued, "They were forced together. They were forced to fuse! This is _wrong_! Ahhh... I'm sorry..." Then, Garnet began to unfuse.

Steven was now extremely unsettled. "No! No, Garnet! This isn't like you! You're coming undone!" Another monster approached him, and he shoved it away with his shield. He shouted, "Garnet!"

Garnet brought herself back together and then grabbed the monster. The monster opened what looked like four eyes centered around its gem. She dug her hands into the cornerers from which its arms extended. She slowly stretched the amalgamation's physical form like a tough, sticky piece of dough until eventually, it poofed. Its gem clattered on the ground. Garnet picked it up. She said, " **So THIS is what Homeworld thinks of Fusion.** "

Then, she said, " _We couldn't have known they would do this!_ "

She replied to herself, " **THIS is where they've been! All the ones we couldn't find! They've been here the WHOLE TIME.** "

" _Rose couldn't have known!_ "

" **This is punishment for the Rebellion!** "

" _IT'S NOT OUR FAULT!_ "

Garnet became silent. Then, she bubbled the gem and sent it to the Temple.

Steven and Garnet stood in silence for a while.

Their silence was broken by Amethyst saying, "Yo, GARNET! We got Peridot!"

Pearl followed Amethyst into the room, and said, "At first she tried to pull herself away by her own magnetism, but Amethyst turned into a helicopter and carried me up. Then I jumped toward her and drove my spear right into her back!"

Amethyst gleefully shouted, "That green dork thought she could out- _copter_ the _Amethyst-Copter_!"

Pearl materialized one of Peridot's 'arms', and said, "When we poofed her, she left behind these artificial arms. Amethyst wanted to trash them, but I kept them. Who knows what valuable information we could get from them?"

Amethyst was all like, "Whatever... Bunch of _nerd-stuff_."

Then, Pearl was accosted by one of the amalgamations that bumped into her leg and "kicked" her. She said, "Eww, what are these?"

Garnet said firmly, " _We need to poof and bubble all of them_. We can't let _any_ escape."

The gems went around the room and crushed the amalgamations. Then, they sent their gems to the Temple. They returned home.

Later that day, Steven went to the hand of the Crystal Gem Temple to check on the rest of his laundry. He noticed Garnet was there, and said, "Hey Garnet! What's up?"

"Still damp," replied Garnet.

"Oh right... The laundry. There are towels in there. Do we even have plumbing up here? How do you get the washer and dryer to work?"

"Magic" said Garnet as she waved her hand.

Steven chucklet to himself, then asked her, "Are you okay?"

"I wish you hadn't seen that," said Garnet.

"Oh, it's okay," said Steven, trying to reassure her.

Garnet said, "No, it's not okay." _Of course it's not._

Steven said, "Why?"

Garnet explained, "What Homeworld did, taking the shards and parts of fallen Gems and combining them. Those Gems weren't asked permisssion. Fusion is a choice. Those Gems weren't given a choice. It isn't right. It isn't fusion!"

"Oh..." said Steven. He absorbed all of the information there.

"Why do you stay a fusion all the time?" asked Steven.

"Because, Steven, the bond between Ruby and Sapphire is very strong. The two of them combine, to become something even greater than the sum of their parts."

"When did the two of them first meet?" asked Steven.

"It all started long ago, around the beginning of the Rebellion. Blue Diamond had summoned one of her Sapphires to predict the outcome of the next battle..."

"Our Sapphire!"

"Yes. Sapphire had predicted that the rebellion would end, right then and there: Rose Quartz and her Renegade Pearl would attack, 'poofing' several Gems, including herself. Several Rubies were sent as her escorts, including our Ruby." _Or was it Pink Diamond and her Obedient Pearl_?

"And so the attack went forward: Rose Quartz and Pearl tore through several gems, but just as Pearl was about to 'poof' Sapphire, Ruby intervened, hoping to save Sapphire. Then, she accidentally fused with her. That's where I first formed."

"So it was an accident?"

"At first, yes. Blue Diamond was infuriated, though. She took grave offense that two gems of different types would fuse in her presence. She ordered Ruby shattered. But then, Sapphire ran, and took Ruby with her. Sapphire was intrigued by the actions of that Ruby-she didn't need to save her, but she did anyway. That wasn't something Sapphire could predict."

"Ooooh!"

"Sapphire and Ruby fell slowly to the ground. Then, they hid in a cave, where they talked about what had happened. Ruby talked about how ridiculous it was for Sapphire to save her, a disposable, easily replaced Ruby. Sapphire talked about how she had never seen a prediction broken before. Then, the two of them sang together, and fused again, this time in the presence of nobody."

"Ooh. Hey wait a second, can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

Steven felt goosebumps as he tried to figure out how to ask what he wanted to ask without giving away too much information. He asked, "What if Rose Quartz had something to do with Sapphire not predicting things right? Like, what if Rose was hiding something within herself that threw off Sapphire's predictions?"

"That's certainly possible, Steven," answered Garnet, "Although Ruby's behavior was definitely the most unpredictable thing about that day."

"Right"

"So. Just as Garnet had formed a second time, she stumbled upon a base, covered in rose bushes, where Rose Quartz and Pearl were hiding. Pearl was suspicious, of course, but Rose was elated to see something new-two Gems of different types that had fused together. I was very nervous back then..."

" _You? Nervous?_ Nahh!"

"I know. It seems hard to believe, but I was definitely out of my element at first. I wondered if I should unfuse, but Rose encouraged me to stay like this. She told me to be myself, because to her, my existence was _interesting_. Her encouragement gave me the confidence I needed at first."

"Huh."

"Soon afterward, I became a Crystal Gem. I couldn't very well go back to Blue Diamond-she'd tear me apart and shatter Ruby, maybe even Sapphire too."

"Right. And you stayed together this whole time?"

"Yes. Barring certain... unfortunate circumstances, of course."

"Right. Wow. And Ruby and Sapphire, they're like, in love?"

"Yes. And I am the manifestation of that love."

"You're awesome, Garnet!" said Steven, no longer thinking of the doubts that had been planted in his mind by White Diamond.

"I certainly am." said Garnet, as she held her glasses and struck a smooth, confident pose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: Rick needs some help from the Pines. Has Bill finally gotten his revenge?


	8. A Tale of Two Ricks

It was a rather slow day in the Mystery Shack. Wendy Corduroy was at the register, her lazy posture putting her legs in a familiar place.

"Wendy, put your legs down, we have some customers!" shouted Stanley Pines, referring to the two American and four Chinese tourists entering the Shack.

Wendy stood up, paying a little more attention now. Stan said, "Welcome to the Mystery Shack, I'm your host, the Man of Mystery! Would you like a tour, or do you just wanna buy stuff at the gift shop?"

A green portal appeared out of nowhere, and Rick Sanchez jumped out, onto one of the tables with merchandise. As he scrambled to get down, and put the items back in their proper places, the tourists screamed, and then ran out of the Mystery Shack. Rick adjusted his clothing, then ran up to Stan, putting his hand on his shoulder. He looked at him and Wendy, then said, "You guys! I *urp* need your help! Bill Cipher, he tricked Jerry, and he came through a portal, and he's-he's Weirdmageddoning my dimension! You guys gotta help me!"

"Woah, dude. Did that guy just come through a portal?" said Wendy, staring at Rick.

"Rick, you're scaring away my customers!" said Stan, not amused.

"You can un-scare your customerrrs later, Stanley! I-I need you and your brother *urrrp* to help me!"

The vending machine opened, and Stanford Pines emerged, holding his Quantum Destabilizer gun. Once he found Rick, he walked up to him and said, "Rick, seriously? I _told_ you not to mess with Bill Cipher. Now look what you've done!"

Rick quickly walked up to Ford. He looked nervous, but he approached him in spite of the fact that he was holding an energy-rifle. He put his hand on his shoulder and held him firmly, saying, "Oh, thank god you're here *urrrp* Stanford! Bill Cipher! He tricked my idiot son-in-law Jerry and now he's doing Weirdmageddon! He's-He's got a physical form now, and he's tearing everything up! Prepare yourselves! Any minute now, he's gonna come through that portal, right there." Rick pointed at the portal he had made in the middle of the gift shop.

"Alright. Here we go." said Stanford, pointing

"Is this going to be something that happens often? Because I dunno if I'm gonna be cool with this guy just popping in all the time."

"Stanley, this is serious. If and when Bill comes through that portal, we need to get rid of him immediately, or else our world will be destroyed, too!"

"Yeah, Stanley, you heard your brother, he's a genius *uurrp* you gotta listen to him! Any second now."

The portal shrank into a tiny green droplet, then ceased to exist.

"Is that it?" asked Stan.

"Huh. Well whaddya know? The portal disappeared," said Rick with abrupt nonchalance as he put away his laser-gun.

* * *

 

[Cue Gravity Falls Theme]

* * *

"So then he's not going to be able to come through?" asked Stan.

"I *urp* I dunno, _maybe_!" said Rick, looking all surprised.

"Rick, if there's no portal, there's no way Bill Cipher could come through." said Ford.

"You don't know that!" said Rick, looking surprised but serious, " Look, see, maybe there's gonna be a little dimensional rift leftover! Maybe, Bill's gonna come through a little rift *urrrp* right here!" He pointed at the area in the air where the portal had disappeared.

"There's no rift." said Stanford, looking more closely at the area where the portal was.

"What do you *urp* mean? Look closer!" said Rick, emphasizing the empty space.  
"Rick, there's no portal there. There's nothing for Bill to... Wait a minute..." Ford put away his gun. His eyes narrowed.

"So what you're *urrp* saying is, that the portal that I made, it-it doesn't leave behind any little dimensional rifts, does it?" said Rick, forcing his facial muscles to hide his smug smirk as best they could for a man his age.

"No," said Ford.

Rick continued: "So Bill Cipher can't come through my portals, *urrrp* and the dimension is safe?"

Ford said, "Rick, you told me Bill Cipher was starting Weirdmageddon in your dimension."

"Okay! I'll just be leaving now. This is _definitely_ not something I'm paid to deal with," said Wendy, who had been watching the whole exchange from behing the cash register.

"Okay. But don't come in late tomorrow," said Stan, as Wendy left the Mystery Shack, careful to keep as much space as possible between her and Rick.

"Wait, did _I_ say that?" said Rick to Ford.

"This was all just a trick, wasn't it? So you could brag about how _superior_ your portals are!" said Ford, his words now dripping with offense.

Rick threw his hands into the air and said,"Oh-oh no, you got me! That's right, *urrp*, this was all just a ruse!" Then, he began to shoot more portals out of his portal gun; they disappeared more quickly, and were replaced by new ones each time. He continued, "Anyway, let's hear it for the guy whose portals _don't_ leave behind little holes in the universe! Let's-let's hear it for the guy who _doesn't_ make portals that always *urrp* go through the Nightmare Realm!" Rick made a celebratory fist with his free hand, and jabbed the air, saying, "Three cheers for Rick! Rick, Rick, Horray! Rick Rick *urp* Horray!"

"Is this going to be a common occurence?" asked Stan, looking at Ford.

Ford responded, "Stanley, I don't know. He's probably doing this for his amusement. If he's anything like you, he'll give up once he gets bored."

"Hey, hey you! I'm right here," said Rick, as he continued making portals in the same spot. "Anyway, yeah. I'll sto-*urrrrp* stop doing this once it starts to _bore_ me. Which, I mean, it's gonna be a long time. Stanford's got a stick up is ass, and until it comes out, I'm-I'm gonna keep pissing him off. 'Cuz it's just _too funny_!"

Ford just said, "Whatever, Rick."

"He does have a point about that stick up your ass, though," said Stan.

"Don't _side_ with him! Oh, who am I kidding, of _course_ you'd side with him," said Ford, angrily.

"Look, I don't like him either. But after all the crap you've given me, I have to admit-it does feel kinda cathartic," said Stan.

Ford erupted. "All the crap I've given you? You mean being rightfully angry when you take advantage of me? Or sabotage my dreams to keep me tethered to you? Or when you complain about how hard you've had it, when everything that happens is something you've brought upon yourself?"

"Oooh!" said Rick with smug excitement as he continued making portals, "Keep going!"

"Shut up Rick, this doesn't concern you," said Ford.

"Well, then *urrrp* don't talk about it in front of me!" said Rick.

"You are an _unwelcome guest_ in _my house_!" said Ford.

"Guess that makes two of us, doesn't it, Stanford?" said Stan, to Ford.

"You _impersonated me_! This house belongs to _me_! You had _no right_ to turn it into this _hokey_ tourist-trap!" said Ford, to Stan.

"And-and _you_ had no right to build a portal that'd let in Bill Cipher so he could *urrrp* blow up your planet!" said Rick, to Ford, as he continued making portals in the same spot.

" _Oh,_ don't _try to play the fucking moral_ high ground _with_ me _, Rick!_ " said Ford, now gesturing like a proper Jerseyite.

"Hah? Moral high ground? Okay, sure, you had a *urp* right to build a machine that'd blow up your planet! Just like how you had a right to steal those anti-matter fuel cells from that ship full 'o Gromflomites!" said Rick.

" _You_ wanted _me to steal them,_ Rick!" said Ford, now slightly embarrased.

"I was proud of you, but I never *urrp* said I _wanted_ you to do it!" said Rick.

"Woah, what's a 'Gromflummite'?" asked Stan.

" _Gromflomites_ are the ruling species in the Galactic Federation where Rick's from," said Ford.

"They _were_ the ruling species of the _former_ Galactic Federation, _thannk youu verry muuuch_!" said Rick proudly, as he continued to blast portals into the air.

"Wait, did you have something to do with that? What happened?" asked Ford.

"Oh nothing much, I *urp* just blew up the Galactic Federation _aaannd_ the Citadel of Ricks _at the same tiiime!_ " bragged Rick.

"Really? Huh," said Ford.

"So you guys are space-terrorists?" asked Stan.

"We prefer the term _'Freedom Fighters'_. But yeah, we definitely did a _toooon_ of criminal stuff together," said Rick.

"Wow, so you put me down for my life of crime and hustling, but you were doing the _same thing_?" said Stan.

"It wasn't the same!" said Ford.

"Yeah, we did it in _space_ , biiitch! What did _you_ do? Steal a bunch of _normal_ stuff from a bunch of *urrp* _norrrmal_ people?" bragged Rick, as he continued shooting portals out of his gun.

"Believe me, I've had a few dealings with some people that _weren't_ all that normal," said Stan.

"Could you stop doing that?" said Ford, now totally done with Rick's portal-ing.

"What, you mean, showing off my superior *urp* portal-making device? Not a chaaannce!" said Rick.

"Boy, you sure do know how to pick 'em, don't you Ford?" said Stan, to Ford.

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" responded Ford.

"Well, first you make friends with Bill, that triangle guy who wanted to blow everything up, and now there's this guy, who's showing off his _superior genius_ , and scaring away all my customers!" said Stan.

"Yeah, well..." Ford was about to mention the fact that Stan would be kicked out once Dipper and Mabel went home, but he was distracted by the lack of portals coming out of Rick's portal gun. "Oh, good, you finally stopped doing that annoying thing with your portal gun."

"Oh. Right. Umm. About that..." muttered Rick.

"What?" said Ford, dreading the answer.

"My *urp* portal gun just ran out of juice. Gonna have to synthesize some more of it, right here in _Gravity Faaaallls_!" said Rick.

Ford and Stan looked at each other in horror.

* * *

Rick gathered all four of the Pines to discuss how they were going to get more portal fluid. The five of them stood or sat in the living room.

"Allright. So, in order to get some more *urrrrp* portal fluid, I'm gonna need to synthesize some of it, using ingredients found in several places here in this town," said Rick.

"Well, that sounds convenient!" said Mabel un-sarcastically.

"What's the deal with you anyway? Why'd you come back?" asked Dipper.

"Dipper, Mabel, I still think you two shouldn't-" said Ford.

"The _deal_ is *urp* that I was pulling a fast one here over-over your Grunkle Ford, and he's not taking it too well..." said Rick.

" _You lied about Bill Cipher bringing the_ Weird-pocalypse _to your dimension, Rick! Of_ course _we're going to be mad!_ " said Ford.

"Yeah, well, *urrrp* this guy, I'm sure he enjoyed it, right?" said Rick, pointing at Stan.

"Rick, you scared away all my customers! I'm not fine either!" said Stan.

"Oh, well fine *urp* whatever. Wubba lubba dub-dub!" said Rick.

"What's that even supposed to mean?" asked Dipper.

"What, you mean 'wubba lubba dub-dub'?" said Rick.

"Yeah," said Stan.

"It means 'I am in great pain, please help me!'" said Ford.

"Really? I thought it meant something like 'By the Magic of Friendship!' or something like that..." said Mabel.

"Huh, what language is that, then?" said Dipper.

Ford said, "It's the language of the Bird-People." Then, he turned to Rick and asked him, "By the way, how _is_ Bird-Person?"

"He's *urp* not doing too well," said Rick.

"Really? What happened?" asked Ford.

"His human wife turned out to be an *urrrp* an agent for the Galactic Federation, and she red-weddinged him," said Rick in a matter-of-fact tone.

"Red-wedding?" inquired Stan.

Rick said, "It's a _Game of Thrones_ reference. Which, by the way, _you two_..." He pointed at Dipper and Mabel, "Should totally _not_ get into, unless you're _into_ that sorta thing!" Rick's voice lost that little bit of playfulness as he continued: "Bird-Person's mate betrayed him and killed him, then a who*urp*oooole bunch of other people died too."

"Wow." said Ford somberly, while the rest of the Pines' moods also dropped.

"I did _not_ plan to get depressed today!" said Mabel.

"I-I'm sorry for your loss," said Dipper.

"Don't be, you never met him, *urrrp* Spoon-Morty," said Rick.

"So... Bird-Person is dead... What about Squanchy?" asked Ford.

"I dunno, last I saw of him, he roided out. I doubt he survived the red*urrrp*-wedding." said Rick, still somber. Then, Rick pulled out a book with a green swirl on it, and said, " _Annnyhouu_ , I got something, here," He handed the book to Dipper, and continued. "I put a bookmark in this journal so you can find the *urrrp* thing you need to get me so I can synthesize portal fluid."

"You have a journal too?" asked Dipper with enthusiasm as he held the book.

"Ye-eah, I *urrp* I scanned Gravity Falls for weird stuff, and _this book_ , it has all the stuff I found!" said Rick.

"Wow, this is a pretty big book, when did you find all these?" asked Dipper.

"I'm not telling you that, until *urrrrp* you get me my portal fluid ingredients," said Rick.

"This is like that time I beat up those snobby unicorns!" said Mabel.

"Wow. Uh, I bet that was fun, wasn't it, Sweater-Morty?" said Rick.

"Well, it wasn't fun at first-" began Mabel.

"Mabel, Dipper, the sooner you get those ingredients for the portal fluid, the sooner that man can leave us alone, got it?" interrupted Ford.

" _I'm right here, Stanford!_ " said Rick.

"Yes. Yes you are..." said Ford. Stan just shrugged.

* * *

 

Dipper and Mabel left the Mystery Shack in search of the thing Rick needed. It was the middle of the afternoon, and the forest was warm as they walked through it. Dipper enthusiastically looked through the pages, which were full of things he hadn't seen yet in any of the other journals. He said, "So, another journal..."

"But this one is Rick's!" said Mabel.

Dipper read from the book, and said, "Yeah. Ooh, here look: 'Sobbing Cats in Porcelain. These porcelain cats are no good. Tears come out of their eye-holes. If anyone, even one of their own, stares at them, they can't move, but you turn your back on them, and they ATTACK! The small ones claw up your clothes, and the bigger ones pounce on you, tear off your head, and devour your entrails.' Wow, that sounds dangerous. Wonder why they're sobbing, though."

"Of _course_ they're sobbing, Dipper!" said Mabel, "They're made of porcelain! Can you imagine it? They can't move if someone stares at them. They can't look at each other, or give each other snuggles, or lick each others' fur... It's horrible!"

Dipper continued, "Yeah, I guess so. Here's another one: 'Flashing Barbies. They are small humanoids that lie in wait. The guys wear trench-coats, and the girls wear sun-dresses, and they don't wear pants or underwear. They come up and flash you, but there's nothing underneath. No nipples, or genitals, or buttholes. It's just like Barbie-dolls down there...' Well... That's definitely..."

"Must be disappointing, huh Dipper? Bet you were hoping they'd flash you and there'd be something for you to _see_?" teased Mabel.

Dipper rebuffed her: "Mabel, no. Besides, what we're looking for is something called 'Adamantium Oxide'. It's something that's used in rare paint, and we're gonna find it in..."

"Where?"

"The Northwest Mansion,"

"Ooh! We're gonna see Pacifica again!"

"No. Mabel, you remember the strongly-worded letter her dad gave us after the face-stealer incident?"

"Oh, yeah, it was all serious-sounding, but then you translated it into normal-speak, and it was awful. He told us we're never allowed anywhere near the mansion or Pacifica ever again."

"Yeah. So what we're gonna do is break in. I've got some of those shrinking crystals, and we've also got the memory-erasing gun, just in case we get caught." said Dipper, showing his sister the equipment he was packing.

"That means that if you and Pacifica start making out, but then it gets awkward, you can just erase the awkward part!"

"Eww, no, Mabel. I'm not gonna _make out_ with her. If everything goes as planned, we're not going to see _anyone_ , and _nobody_ is going to see _us_."

"Way to ruin the fun."

"Mabel, there's NOTHING fun about getting sued, or arrested for burglary!" said Dipper, as the two of them approached the Northwest Mansion.

"Yeah, you're right." admitted Mabel.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, at the Mystery Shack, the three old men were gathering supplies in order to synthesize portal fluid in the underground lab. Stanford was gathering some bottled substances, while Rick reviewed the mathematics of the portal fluid formula.

Stan interrupted the silence by saying, "So, you two..."

"What about us, Stanley?" said Ford.

"Last time, you said you were gonna tell us the story of how you two met the next time we met. Now it _is_ the next time! So, what's the deal with you guys? What'd he do that makes you act the way you act around me, Ford?" said Stanley.

"It's really not important," said Ford.

"Ohh, boyy, you *urrrp* you got _that_ right. None of the stuff we did together is important. Especially since *urrp* it happened an infinite amount of times in an infinite amount of other dimensions."

"Really? But... Even if it isn't important, what was it like? You two?" asked Stan.

"It's really not worth talking about," said Ford.

"Well, I still wanna know! I mean, I know it's my fault you went into the multiverse, but you look like you came out of it better than I did. The least you can do is tell me what you two got up to out there!" said Stan.

"No," said Ford.

"Yeah, he's-he's not in the talking mood right now," said Rick, "Here, I'm gonna go get some flasks to mix the ingredients in." Rick began to walk into another room. As he went through the doorway, he glanced at Stanley, then beckoned him to come over. Stan followed Rick into the other room. Then, Rick said, "So. You wanna know the _reeeal story_? Wanna *urrp* know what _reeally_ happened between us?"

Stan responded, "Um, yeah. I mean, I can see you two don't exactly have... compatible personalities, but that can't be the whole story, right?"

"Yeah. At first, we were all chummy, like best buds, right? He'd been wa*urrrp*ndering around for like, ten years when I found him, and we like, we clicked _instantly_. So then, we did some multiverse-stuff, we went around to different dimensions together."

"Sounds like fun."

"Oh, you _bet_ it was fun! There's like, twenty-two *urrrp* different chemicals for 'fun' that're compatible with the human brain, and we got _all_ of them! He was a bit hesitant, at first, but once he got _down_ for it, man!"

"Huh. But how'd you two get to hate each other, then?"

"Well, I never _hated_ him, that's a one-sided thing *urrp*. He just doesn't like how I, y'know, tried to compromise with Bill Cipher, and then called him on his shit."

"Compromise?"

Rick projected a hologram which showed the triangular portal, surrounded by a landscape of what looked like a bunch of butts. He said, "Yeah, I was like 'Hey, Bill! I got a*urrrrp* portal you can use for your _weird-pocalypse_ thing!' And Bill was all like, 'This portal is in the _butt dimension_!' and I was *urrp* like 'Hey, take it or leave it! You can have your _weird-pocalypse_ in the Butt Dimension, or you can pass on the whole thing.'"

"I have no idea what those things are," said Stanley.

"That's okay, I'll tell you when you're older," Stan just gave Rick a glare. Rick continued: " _Anywayy_ , after that, Stanford was all like, 'What the hell *urrrp* is wrong with you?' and I was all like 'Well, I was just trying to _compromise,'_ but he was all like 'With _Bill Cipher_! You tried to compromise with _Bill Cipher_!' and I was all like, 'Well, yeah! I mean, he's not gonna stop 'till he gets what he wants, right?' and he _really_ chewed me out for that. So then I said, 'Well, if you di*urrrp*dn't want Bill Cipher to go into your dimension, why didn't you dismantle the portal right away? Seems like if you did that, your *urrp* dimension would be safe, and-and you wouldn't be trapped in here, either.' and that's when we got i-iinto some serious fisticuffs there, and he never talked to me again."

Stan said, "Wow." Rick and Stan noticed Ford in the doorway. Stan said, "Oh, there you are... How much did you hear?"

"Everything after 'Twenty-Two Chemicals for _Fun_ '," said Ford.

"So. You made some mistakes, too Ford. It's okay to admit it," said Stan.

"Ye*errrp*ah, believe me, I'm like, _wayyyy_ smarter than you, Ford, and I still make, like, _tons_ of mistakes. You're not special fo*urrrp*or it. So don't beat yourself up about it," said Rick.

"Whatever, Rick. I finished the work on the synthesizer, and I have all but one of the ingredients," said Ford.

"So we just gotta wait for your _Morties_ to *urrrp* come back, that it?" said Rick.

"Yeah. I hope you didn't send them off to fight something _deadly_ , Rick," said Ford.

"Oh, don't worry, Stanford, I'm sure they'll be fine," said Stan.

* * *

 

"Shhh!" said Dipper, since Mabel had just accidentally yelped after stumbling on a carpet inside the mansion that they were trespassing upon.

"Okaay!" said Mabel. The two of them walked along the huge hallways which were made even larger by the fact that the two of them had shrunk.

"Ok. So according to this, there should be a painting with this 'Adamantium Oxide' paint in the 'closet of secrets'. It's the one with the Native Americans getting betrayed." said Dipper, looking at Rick's journal.

"You know where that is?" said Mabel.

"Yeah, it's the room with all the paintings of the Northwests' shameful misdeeds."

"How'd you know where _that_ is?"

"Because, it's the room Pacifica ran off to when I told her she was the 'last link in the world's worst chain'."

"Is this where you two _made out_?" said Mabel, as the two of them grew each other with their flashlights and entered the closet of shamful secrets.

Dipper was irritated now. "Mabel, _shut up about that_."

"What? I mean, it's not like it'd _hurt_ if you two got together! Besides, you need _something_ to get your mind off of Wendy," said Mabel.

"Mabel, that's not important right now," Dipper grabbed the painting and said, "Here. This is the one. Now we just shrink it down, and-"

"Oh my _god_! What are _you two_ doing here?" said a familiar voice.

"Hi, Pacifica!" said Mabel.

"Um... What are _you_ doing here?" asked Dipper sheepishly.

"I _live_ here, you dumbass!" said Pacifica.

"We're just here to steal one of your paintings, that's all!" said Mabel bluntly.

" _Mabel!_ " said Dipper, now irritated even further.

"Well, I mean, that _is_ what we're doing, right?" said Mabel.

"Which painting?" asked Pacifica.

"The one where the Northwest is betraying the Native Americans," said Dipper.

"Take it. It's not like my dad ever looks at those, anyway," said Pacifica.

"Why, _thank you_ , Pacifica! By the way, is this the room where you and Dipper made out?" taunted Mabel.

" _Eww, no!_ Why would I ever do something like _that?_ " said Pacifica.

"What? Don't tell me-" started Mabel.

" _Mabel!_ " interrupted Dipper.

"-that you aren'y enswooced by his _muscular arms_ , or his _rugged hair_?" said Mabel, as she grabbed Dipper's upper arm, and then ruffled his hair (which knocked his hat off of head.)

Pacifica responded, "Eww! Shut up about that, Mabel, I am _not_ dating your brother, okay? Besides my dad would _kill me_ if he knew I was dating one of you two."

"Like, seriously, or just like, metaphorically?" asked Dipper.

"Honestly, I don't even know," said Pacifica somberly.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, Pacifica," said Mabel, now just as somber.

"Don't feel _sorry_ for me, Mabel, I'm fine," said Pacifica.

"At least until your dad kills you, that is," said Dipper bluntly.

"Shut up, dork," said Pacifica.

"You first," said Dipper.

"Well, I mean, if it wasn't for the... um... _you know..._ then your dad not liking Dipper would just be another reason for you two to be _perfect_ together!" said Mabel.

"Mabel, you just won't give it a rest, will you?" said Dipper.

" _Whaaat_? Everyone knows I'm the _best_ matchmaker in Gravity Falls! I helped Robbie get with Tambry, and I helped Soos get with Melody!" said Mabel.

"You drugged Robbie and Tambry, and you helped Soos get with _Giffany_. Melody found him on her own," said Dipper.

"Oh, well that's just _your_ point of view," said Mabel.

"Let's just go. We need to help Ford get rid of his crazy multiverse-guy," said Dipper, now beginning to leave.

"Yeah, you two go do your weird _nerd-stuff_ and get out of my house,"

"Oh, trust me, I don't like being here any more than you do," said Dipper, looking directly at Pacifica. She then returned his glare, then looked downward and away. Her body became tense. The twins could see tears beginning to stream down her face.

"Was that too personal?" asked Dipper, hit with guilt.

"Yeah..." said Pacifica.

The two of them shrunk themselves again, and clandestinely escaped from the mansion. As they were heading back to the Mystery Shack, Dipper said, "We need to help her, somehow..."

Mabel replied, "Of course we do! And we will, so don't worry about it!"

"Right."

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in the Mystery Shack, Stan and Ford were sitting together, while Rick was in another room playing a video game to keep himself from getting bored.

"So, you're not the smartest guy in the multiverse, huh, Ford?" said Stan.

"No. I am not. The multiverse has an infinite amount of possible universes, so _of course_ I'm not going to be the smartest," said Ford.

Some silence passed between the two of them. Then, Stan said, "So. What're you gonna do now, now that your old friend is hanging out with us? You wanna go on adventures with him now?"

"Of course not!" answered Ford.

Rick, who was now in the same room, said, "A-aand I already solved all those *urrp* mysteries in Gravity Falls, the *urp* ones you didn't solve yet!"

"What are you talking about, Rick?" asked a tired Ford.

Rick said, "All the weird stuff in the journal I gave to *urrrrp* Spoon-Morty, they're all the ones you and Spoon-Morty didn't find. Co*urr*onsider it my contribution to the great knowledge-base of Gr-rravity Falls!"

Ford let out a "Huh."

"So, what's left to do then?" asked Stan.

"We*errp*elll, you _could_ both come with me on epic interdimensional a-aaadventures!" said Rick.

"That's why you did it, huh? To upstage me, and then get me to join you in the multiverse! IS THAT IT?" said Ford.

"Yep! But not just you, Stanford! You and *urrrrp* your brother, and your Morties, too!" said Rick enthusiastically.

"You mean our neice and nephew?" said Stan.

"Uhh, _yeah_! Your Mo*urr*oorties are like, great at going on adventures, and you need all two of you or all four of you in order for your brainwaves to cancel each other out and *urrp* keep us under the radar," said Rick.

"Under the radar from _whom_ , exactly? If I'm to believe you, you said you took out the Galactic Federation _and_ the Citadel of Ricks," said Ford.

"Well, _yeah_ , I got those guys, but that's the thing about governments, they don't just disappear once you take them do-owwwn, they, you know, they still have little bits and pieces of government that form into the new government. Kinda like sponges, or hell, even if you knock out a human be-eeing, they still *urp* can get right back up. Humans, we're amaaazing things, huh?" said Rick.

Ford said, "I guess."

An awkward silence fell between the old men once more. After what seemed like hours (but was only a few minutes; Ford checked to make sure) the silence was broken by the other Pines twins coming down the elevator.

"Grunkle Staaaan! Grunkle Ford! We're back!" shouted Mabel. The two of them approached the table where Rick was preparing to synthesize some makeshift portal fluid.

Dipper took the painting from his pocket, then restored it to its original size. He then said, "We got the 'Adamantium Oxide'-painting you needed."

"Great, *urrp* give it here!" Rick took the painting, then scraped off all of the black parts. "Now, time to do some _scieeence_!" Rick tossed the other ingredients into a small centrifuge, then put the black paint bits in. When it hit the rest of the materials, they began glowing the signature chartruse of Rick's portal fluid, though bits of turquoise could be seen as well.

"Oh, so the Adamantium-Oxide was needed to catalyze the reaction!"

"Ye-eeep, totally! You, you're a real genius, aren't you, Spoon-Morty?" said Rick.

"He _sure_ is!" said Mabel.

"Great! How'd you like to go on *urrrp* some _wacky_ interdimensional adventures with my family? Your family, my family, Pines and Smiths and *urrrrp* Sanchez?" said Rick.

"That sounds pretty cool! Is that okay with you guys?" said Dipper.

"Dipper..." began Ford, "Look, we can go on adventures, sure, but..."

"But what?" asked Dipper.

"But... I realized that it may not be okay with your parents," said Ford.

"Ohhhh! Oh, so _now_ all of a sudden, you ca*uuurp*re about the _parents_!" said Rick.

"I just did some thinking, is all, after what Dipper said to me. After the way I carelessly hurt Mabel's feelings, I realized that I shouldn't be tearing apart this family like that," said Ford.

"THANK YOU, GRUNKLE FORD!" said Mabel.

"And..." continued Ford.

"And seeing someone that's so much smarter than you, and be*urrp*better at making portals than you, made you realize that *uurp* that you shouldn't split up your family along, along lines of 'genius' and, erm, 'not-genius'!" interrupted Rick.

"I'm not gonna let you take credit for me treating my family better," said Ford, as he stared daggers at Rick.

"Oh, by all means *urrrp* Ford, don't! But-but I bet you wouldn't be acting this niice, if I wasn't here to *urp* make you empathize with your _idiooot_ brother!" said Rick.

"Guys, let's just be nice to each other! Is that _really_ so hard?" said Mabel.

"Trust me, Mabel, once you get as old as we are, it's pretty damn difficult, even for _geniuses_ like those two," said Stan.

"Oh yeah, it's-it's harder than *uurrrp* not making a portal to the Nightmare Realm, that's for sure," said Rick.

"Your portal gun has fluid now, what are you still doing here?" said Ford.

"I'm *urrp* teaching your _genius_ -Morty how to *urp* use _THIS_!" said Rick as he pulled out a device that had a screen in the middle, with an antenna sticking out of the middle opposite a handle with some buttons on its sides.

"What _is_ that?" asked Dipper.

"Is it some kind of scanning device?" asked Ford.

"It's *urrrrp* a _magic_ wand, it does whatever you want it too!" said Rick.

"What? _I wanna see it!_ " said Mabel.

"Sorry, Sweater-Morty, but *urrrrp* if you used it, we'd all blow up, your *urp* imagination is too strong, or something like that," said Rick. Mabel was both encouraged and disappointed by that.

"So, how do I use it-WHOA!" said Dipper. As he grabbed it, it began transforming into a different form: a magnifying glass with a wooden handle, an iron trim, some bear fur around the outside of its rim, and a bear-paw in the middle of the glass.

"See, it changes shape based on who's holding it!" said Rick, as the rest of them looked in awe.

"It's a... magnifying glass? But it's no good since it has a bear-print in the middle of it!" said Dipper, that logical buzz-killing bastard.

"It's attuned to your soul, Spoon-Morty! The thing will go away if you *urrp* will-power it away," said Rick

"Really?" said Dipper. He stared at the paw-symbol, then closed his eyes and concentrated. Then, once he opened them, the bear-paw had disappeared. He said, "Neat!"

"Does that thing have any spells to go with it?" asked Stanford.

Rick said, "Great question, *urp* Ford! There's a book, but I don't have it. But I DO have one of the spells from it, it's called 'Levitato' and it makes stuff float into the air! Go on, use it on that chair over there, Spoon-Morty!"

"You're never gonna stop calling us 'Morties', are you?" asked Dipper.

"Welll... Nope!" said Rick.

"Whatever..." Dipper concentrated on the chair. He aimed the magnifying-glass-wand at the chair, then said, " _Levitato!_ "

The chair began to float softly into the air.

"Cool!" said Dipper, impressed at this new source of magical powers.

"And... You see your cheeks?" said Rick. Dipper placed his hand on his face as he felt tingling in his cheeks.

"They have pine trees on them," said Stanford.

"Wow, really?" said Dipper.

"Yep. Well, that's enough magical expe*errrrrp*rimentation for you, Spoon-Morty," Rick took the wand from Dipper, then primed his portal gun. "I need this back, I gotta take it someplace _reeeeal_ important. You can keep my journal, though!"

"What place is _that_ important, Rick?" said Ford sardonically.

"None of your business, _Stanford_! Anyway *urrp* see ya bithces! _Wubba lubba dub-dub!_ " Rick opened a portal and then went through it.

"That guy sure has a _personality_ , huh?" said Mabel.

Ford dully said, "Yeah."

"I wonder when we'll get to meet his family?" asked Mabel.

"Well, hopefully, it's before the end of summer. That is, if we _are_ going back to Piedmont?" said Dipper.

Ford said, "Yeah, you're _definitely_ leaving once summer is over, children."

"What about you, Grunkle Stan?" asked Mabel, worried about him.

"I dunno, Ford, _am I?_ " asked Stan, as he glared at his brother.

Ford sighed for a few seconds. Then, he said, "Yes. I've changed my mind. You can stay here, and continue run your silly little fake-mystery shop, Stanley."

"Wow, really? That's... Thank you," said Stan, his old, wrinkled face now glowing.

"Of course. We Pines need to stick together," said Ford.

"Like tree-sap!" said Mabel.

"Whaaat? Where'd you get _that_ comparison?" said Dipper.

"My Mabel Pines-Analogies-Box!" said Mabel.

"Haha, that's my kiddo!" said Stan.

"Pines Family Double Awkward Sibling Slash Grunkle Hug Time!" said Mabel.

The four of them wrapped their arms around each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> x... adkt...  
> raphhn kxdati uphwxdc,  
> qtxcv iwt idlc'h spgaxc',  
> lxccxcv pi vdau,  
> pcs ilxch!
> 
> x... adkt...  
> epgixth iwpi ctktg tcs,  
> igpktaxcv sxbtchxdch,  
> sdvh iwpi iwxcv qxv,  
> pcs ilxch!


	9. Talk About Rose

"Here's all the Orange Magic Orchestra ones!" said Steven, as he gathered three old-fashioned vinyl discs. He was helping his dad, Greg, to organize all his music. His friend, Connie, was also there to help.

"Great! Put them in the transendental space-rock pile!" said Greg.

Then, Connie said "At home, we only have classical music and movie soundtracks. I've never heard of any of these." as she held up a vinyl labeled "Philosophy Majors"

"You've never heard the Philosophy Majors? Oh, man, give it here!" said Greg.

Connie handed him the disk, and he set it on the record-player. It began to play some instrumental soft-rock, and the three of them began to dance to it, with Greg making an air-guitar. Steven laughed, then held out his hand to invite Connie to dance with him. She grabbed his hand, and they danced to the music, laughing as they spun around. They began to feel a sweet awkwardness, and it led to Steven's gem glowing. Steven and Connie felt themselves turn to mush as they came together into their fusion: Stevonnie.

Stevonnie continued to spin just a little bit, until they realized that Greg was watching in awe. They took an awkward second to stare back at him as he turned off the music, and then promptly unfused. Steven and Connie stood stiff, frozen by the extremely awkward moment that just happened.

"You two can _fuse!?_ " said Greg.

"Umm... Yes?" said Steven

"Wow, that's incredible!" said Greg, "Since when? Wait, how is that even _possible_?"

"The Gems think it's because I'm half human..." answered Steven.

"Please don't tell my parents, Mr. Universe! They don't know I've been doing magic stuff with Steven! I can't tell them, they're not going to understand-"

Greg said, "Whoa, it's okay. I understand. Heh, I may be the only human on the planet who's going to understand!"

"What do you mean?" said Connie.

"Yeah, what _do_ you mean?" added Steven.

" _Well..._ " began Greg.

Steven gasped and said "Story!" then he got into the van and beconed Connie, saying, "Come on!" The two of them sat on the edge of the van's back side. The two of them, especially Steven, looked at Greg expectantly. Steven said, "We're ready!"

Greg said, "I didn't think I'd be tell you this so soon. Probably best to start with this." He placed a TV in front of the kids, then took an old VHS tape and slid it into a VCR underneath. The tape began playing, showing Greg and the Crystal Gems (minus Pearl) situated in front of the temple's warp pad. Garnet had a keytar, Amethyst had drums, Greg had a guitar and microphone, and Rose Quartz had a microphone.

"Everybody ready?" said a young Greg as he walked into view, "One, two, three, four..."

Greg and Rose began to sing: " _What can I do for you? What can I do that no one else can do? What can I do for you?_ "

Greg moved closer to Rose. She sang, " _Human man, you are so much fun. I hadn't planned on finding you quite this_ entertaining _. I like your band, and I like your song. I like the way... human beings play... I like playing along!_ "

They both continued, repeating the chorus. After that, Greg looked nervous, and he went off on his own, playing a solo riff on his guitar. As he played the solo, Pearl walked on screen and whispered something into Rose's ear. Then, the two of them did a dance which led to Pearl pressing her face against Roses as the two of them fused into a large, greyish-purple-skinned blonde woman with four eyes. The new gem continued to dance, then unfused on the warp pad into Rose Quartz and Pearl, who was holding the microphone. Pearl glared smugly at Greg, and then dropped the mic.

Greg was amazed. "Woah! I can't believe I caught that on video! What on Earth was that?"

Rose said, " _That_ was Rainbow Quartz. Pearl thought a fusion might give your video a little... something extra. Pretty cool, right?" Rose kissed Greg on the lips, then said, "I have to go... but are you doing anything later?"

"You _know_ I'm not!" said Greg, smooth as fuck.

Rose chuckled and said, "You're adorable, Mr. Universe. See ya later!" Then, she went to the warp pad and disappeared in a pillar of light.

Amethyst ran up to Greg and said, "Hey! I hit the drums, so pay up!" Greg handed her a bag of microwavable popcorn, which she tore at like a dog and then ate without bothering to microwave it, that savage beast of a Gem.

Pearl, who was wrapping up Greg's mic into a coil. taunted him by twirling around and saying, "You're just a phase. You know that, right?"

Greg said "No. Actually, I _don't_ know that, Pearl." with one part defiance and one part nervousness in his voice.

Pearl continued, smugly: "Oh, of _course_ you don't. You don't know _anything_ about Rose." _Steven wondered if Greg knew about Rose being Pink Diamond. He wondered if Pearl knew, as well. Wait, Pearl used to belong to Pink Diamond, right? Then_ of course _she knew about it._

Greg defensively said, "I know she's super into me!"

Pearl dismissed that. "Listen, _Mr. Universe_. Rose may find you _charming_ , but that's only because you're a _human_. You're a novelty, at best."

"What makes you so sure?" replied Greg, as Amethyst crunched down on the uncooked kernels behind the two.

"Well, that's simple! Humans can't fuse. Fusion is the ultimate connection between Gems. And _you_ are not a Gem," said Pearl as she cirlced Greg, then lowered the coiled microphone around him.

Greg took off the microphone-wires, and said, "Well... Has any human ever _tried_ to fuse with a Gem?"

That caught Pearl off guard. "Umm, no? I don't think so..."

Greg asserted, "Well then, _I_ will try!" He dropped the microphone, but it was more awkward than when Pearl did it.

Amethyst said "OOOOOOOOH-HO-HO-HOOOO!" and Pearl walked away.

Greg picked up the microphone and scolded himself, saying, "Aw geez, what am I doing? These things are expensive!" Then, he walked offscreen and turned off the video. The video ended.

"What happened next!?" said Steven.

"Yeah! Did you fuse with her?" said Connie.

"Oh, sorry about that," said Greg, "Anyway... What happened is..."

Steven and Connie looked expectantly.

"I went over the tape, but I was frustrated, so I was flat on my back when Garnet and Amethyst came up. Amethyst asked me if I was dead, and I told her I wasn't. I told them about how I was confused about fusion. Then, I asked Garnet how fusion is done. She said, 'First, you need a gem at the core of your being. Then, you need a body that can turn into light. Then, you need a partner you can trust with that light,' and I asked her if it was a metaphor, but it was literal..."

"Oh..." said Steven.

Greg continued, "Amethyst still wanted to see me try, but I didn't exactly trust her to give me advice, so I made her fetch a stick so I could talk to Garnet one-on-one. She told me that _she_ thought it could work, but only if I danced like _myself_."

"So did you do it?" said Steven.

"Well, _technically_ he _must have_ done it, at least biologically, since you exist, right, Steven?" said Connie.

Greg said, "Woah, you're getting way ahead of the story, Connie! Also, I dunno if that's age-appropriate, either."

Connie said, "Well, I mean, I know the mechanics of it from class-"

Greg cut her off: "I invited Rose to dance... I had the light-up floor from earlier. I took her hand, twirled her around, then lit up the floor. I think she liked that. Then, I did a few more moves, then I walked up a few steps I set up, so I could be high enough to lean in and kiss her!"

"Cool!" said Steven.

"Yeah! But it didn't work. I didn't fuse with her, even though she seemed really happy. She said, 'Of course you can't fuse! you are a human!' I said, 'I know! that's the problem! I'm _just_ a human!' She said, 'That's not a problem! I love humans, you're all so _funny_!' That _really_ threw me off... I asked her if she _respected_ me, and that made her laugh. Then, I asked her to _talk to me like a real person._ And she said, 'I'm not... a real person? Is this not how it works?' Then, we were _both_ confused. We had to talk about our differences. I said I barely knew her, and she said that was a good thing. I asked her if she missed her home planet, and she said she never did. I asked her how she ended up with Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl, and she told me that each one had their own long story. We talked about how we had each loved other humans before, but then I asked her if she had ever been _in love_ with a human before. When she asked me how I knew what that was, I said it was torture..."

Steven and Connie gave each other an awkward glance when he said that last bit.

"Rose was sad, and asked me if being with me was torture. I said it was the worst, and then she apologized profusely to me, but I told her that it was a sort of... _good_ torture. And then we laughed it out. Ever since then, Rose asked me how I felt, and it seemed like she actually treated me with respect!" said Greg.

"Is that it? Were you two able to fuse?" asked Connie.

"No, but we did learn to understand each other, and that's what was really important," said Greg.

"What about Pink Diamond?" asked Steven.

"Who?" asked Connie.

"Connie, remember the symbol on the arena where we practice sword-fighting with Pearl?" said Steven.

"Yeah, I guess. The one with the four diamonds?" said Connie.

Greg's look of fondness turned into a gloomy look. "Ahh... That's a different story..."

"Oh, sorry," said Steven.

"No, wait, who was Pink Diamond?" asked Connie.

"I was hoping I'd get to tell you when you were older, but..." said Greg

"But what?" said Connie.

"But, after that hand ship came down and almost took you away, I realized that you may not have that much time..." said Greg, as Steven's face grew sullen and gloomy, "So... Pink Diamond..."

"What about her?" asked Connie.

"Pink Diamond was the one who wanted to colonize Earth. Rose was one of the gems created by her on Earth. She rose up in rebellion, and shattered her to free Earth from the Homeworld Gems..." said Greg.

"Wait, but if Rose came from Earth, then how could she miss her homeworld? Isn't _this_ her homeworld?" asked Connie, as Steven stared at her, dreading the answer.

"Oh. Well, I dunno about that," said Greg, "All I know about the war is what Rose told me."

Steven was stiff, overcome with the same fear that gripped him when he had asked Garnet about the Diamonds. But just as he had done before, he pushed through, and asked, "What if Rose was Pink Diamond? What if she was lying about being Rose, and she was pretending the whole time?"

Connie looked shocked at that and said, "You mean you think there might have been a _conspiracy_?"

"I dunno! I mean, I was on the moon base, and I saw a Gem that sorta looked like my mom, and there was also a gem, and I think it was White Diamond..." said Steven.

"Woah! Okay, shtoo-ball, I dunno about any of that. You'd have to ask the Gems," said Greg.

"But..." Steven couldn't bring himself to think about it, "Never mind..."

"But if Rose Quartz was really a Diamond," said Connie.

"I said, _NEVER MIND!_ Okay?" said Steven.

"Okay. Okay," said Connie.

"Look, I'm just proud that you can fuse with Connie! None of us ever thought that would be possible!" said Greg.

"Yeah, it is pretty cool," said Connie.

"Yeah," said Steven, "Anyway, I should be going back to the temple by now. They say that they're interrogating Peridot right now."

"Oooh! Can I come? Maybe I can help you," said Connie.

"Oh... Um..." began Steven.

"Maybe you should go home to your parents. It's getting pretty late, and I'm sure they'd be worried about you!" said Greg.

"Oh," Connie looked at the sunset, "Rats. Well, see you, Steven!" Connie darted off with a restless anxiousness in her stride.

Steven walked back to the Temple. As he walked into his room, he saw Amethyst standing outside the door. She said, "Yo, Ste-man, whaddup?"

"Hi, Amethyst," said Steven, "How's the interrogation going?"

"Peridot's in Pearl's room. She's not budging. At least I think she isn't. Maybe she said something just now," said Amethyst.

Steven huffed, then waited for Pearl's door to open. After a few minutes, it did, and Pearl emerged. Garnet followed her, carrying Peridot, who was bound. Pearl noticed Steven, and said "Oh , hi Steven! We were just interrogating Peridot, but she isn't being responsive, no matter _what_ we threaten her with!" Peridot made a scrunched-up nasty-face, looking at Pearl, then Steven.

"Maybe you can help us, Steven. She might listen to you," said Garnet.

"Oh, well, I guess it's worth a shot. But what are we asking her about?" said Steven.  
"We're trying to figure out what this 'Cluster' thing is," said Pearl.

"Oh. Ok, well I guess I can try," said Steven, "Let's try in the bathroom, so she can't escape."

Garnet and Pearl carried a squirming Peridot into the bathroom. Garnet tossed her inside, and she immediately began flopping about like a fish on deck. Steven went into the bathroom, and whispered to the Crystal Gems, "Could you guys leave us alone? I don't think she's gonna talk if she knows you guys are listening."

"Sure," whispered Garnet in response, before motioning to the three of them to go to the warp pad.

When Steven heard the activation noise of the warp pad, he closed and locked the door, and said to Peridot, "So... About the Cluster..."

Peridot said, "I'm not telling _you_ anything either! I know how this goes, you send in people to say nasty stuff, then you send in the nice one to get the actual answers!"

"Oh, no. I'm not gonna do that. I mean, I already know about the Cluster," said Steven.

"Wait, _really_? Then why are you interrogating me?" said Peridot.

"Well, technically, you are the one who's going to tell me about the Cluster. At least, that's what I'm gonna tell the Gems. You don't have to say anything, unless there's something you _want_ to say..." said Steven.

"Wait, but if you know about the Cluster, and _they_ don't, then _who told you?_ " asked Peridot.

"White Diamond." said Steven. Peridot immediately froze and her face went stiff.

Peridot said, "Wait, _White Diamond_ told you? You've gotta be _kidding_ me!"

"I'm serious. White Diamond took me to my mother's moon base, and told me that the Cluster is a fusion of millions of gem-shards that's going to blow up the planet."

"Oh. Well, that's definitetly what the Cluster is... But why would _White Diamond_ talk to _you_!?"

"I dunno. I guess it's because I'm a pretty important Gem."

"I dunno. I don't believe you... I mean, sure, White Diamond would know about the Cluster, I guess, but I seriously doubt that she'd come all the way to _this planet_ just to talk to a human-gem-thing like _you_!"

"Look, I know what I saw. She was a white Gem with spiky hair, she had a diamond on her forehead, and she pointed me to a mural on the moon base that showed a picture of her."

"Ok fine. I believe you. So what now? You're gonna hold me prisoner unless I help you stop the Cluster or something?"

"Oh! Well, I was thinking about letting you go, but I think it'd be better if you helped us!"

"Of _course_. You're gonna keep me here with you guys so that I can get shattered along with the rest of you once the Cluster emerges..."

"I don't _wanna_ shatter you! I want us to be friends, but we can't do that if you let my planet blow up."

"Of course..." Peridot glared at Steven. "Fine. I'll help you guys stop the Cluster. HAPPY?"

"Very happy!" said Steven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Next Chapter: Two families have some fun IN SPACE)]
> 
> (I realized that the Mewni chapter fits better 2 chapters from now)


	10. Smith-Sanchez-Pines-Ramirez-Corduroy-Poopybutthole FUN NIGHT!

Stanford Pines was working on a machine with a prominent metal box (lined with runes) when he heard the distinctive ringtone of Rick Sanchez coming from his new phone. He sighed to himself, then picked it up and answered.

Rick immediately said, "GUESS WHO JUST GOT EIGHTEEN THOUSAND _FLUURRRRBOOOOS!?_ "

Stanford said, "You did."

"That's right, bitch! _I_ did!"

"Rick, where the hell did you get _eighteen thousand_ Flurbos?"

"I got 'em from some interstellar warlord called 'Garmilax the *urrp* Lacerator'."

"What did you sell him?"

"Remember that magic wand I showed you guys?"

"Oh, of course. So what now?"

"You're go-ood at putting the pieces together, aren't you Ford?"

"Umm... I guess... Ok, so Flurbos... Last time we used Flurbos, we were at Blips 'N Chitz."

"Yep, that's right! And now I've got _eighteen thousand_ of them!"

"Eighteen thousand Flurbos... which means twelve people."

"E-eexactly! I got six passes for my family, which means I got six left for you guys!"

"Oh, all right then. I'll let them know."

"Great! See you *urrp* in a bit!"

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in the dining room of the Smith house...

As the four Smiths began to eat at the table, Beth said, "So, kids, anything new at school?"

Summer said, "Not really, Mom..."

Morty said, "Yeah, nothing interesting's happening at school."

After a short pause, Summer said, "It's not school, but that girl Mabel keeps calling us."

Morty said, "Oh, you talked to her, too?"

Summer said, "Yeah, apparently Granpa Rick found an alternate dimension where Ricks and Morties come as twins, or something."

"Right," said Morty.

"Huh, well that sounds interesting," said Beth

"Yeah, and apparently Rick saved their dimension from a guy called Bill Cipher," said Morty

"Who's that?" said Beth.

"Mabel said, she said he was like this yellow triangle demon, that goes into people's dreams, and tricks them, and steals their bodies," said Morty.

"That's nice," said Jerry.

"Are you even listening, Dad?" said Summer.

Jerry said, "Look kids, if you wanna make friends in other dimensions, I'm not gonna stop you,"

"Ok..." said Summer.

All of a sudden, Rick ran into the room, put his hands on the side of the table, and shouted, " _GUESS WHO'S GOING TO BLIPS 'N CHITZ!?_ "

Morty said, "Us?"

Rick said, "Us, and also the Pines, and Mister Poopybutthole, and two other people!"

"Horray," said Summer dryly.

* * *

 

[Cue Rick and Morty Theme]

* * *

 

Ford had gathered everyone in the Mystery Shack in order to pitch the idea of going into another dimension's arcade. "So basically, Blips 'N Chitz is like an alien arcade, in space."

" _Whoa, cool!_ " said Soos.

"So, like, there's gonna be aliens?" said Dipper.

"Are the arcade games super-advanced?" said Soos.

"You don't hate Rick as much as I thought you did, do you?" said Stan.

Ford answered, "First, yes. Second, some of them. Thirdly... It's complicated."

"Geez, do ya have some sorta _crush_ on the guy?" said Stan.

Ford said, "Um, _no_ , Stanley, I _don't_. But, he says he's bringing his family with him, and I just thought..."

Mabel bounced with excitement as she said, "We're gonna see _Morty!_ And Summer too! And their parents."

Ford said, "And also Mister Poopybutthole." Immediately, everyone else broke out into laugters of varying intensity.

Dipper said, " _What?_ "

Ford explained, "Look, I know his name sounds weird, but yeah, Mister Poopybutthole is an alien who's good friends with Rick and his family, so he's also gonna be there. Rick said each family gets six tickets."

"Six tickets? But there's only four Pines!" said Dipper.

"So that means we're gonna go too?" said Wendy.

"Looks like it," said Ford.

"Woah, an interdimensional arcade. I'm gonna take like, so many pictures of it!" said Dipper

"This is going to be intense, isn't it?" said Wendy.

"Just wait 'till you meet Summer and Morty!" said Mabel.

"So wait, when are we gonna go?" said Stan.

"According to Rick, he's gonna open up a portal to his house in about ten minutes," said Ford.

"OH! I better go get the sweaters!" said Mabel.

"Sweaters?" said Dipper.

"I made some sweaters for Morty and Summer!" said Mabel, as she ran to the attic.

"She's been getting really friendly with those other-dimensional teenagers, huh?" said Stan.

"Other-dimensional teenagers? Sounds like something _you'd_ be all over, Dipper. Have you talked to them too?" said Wendy.

"Oh. Ummm, not that much. I was mostly just reading through Rick's journal," said Dipper.

Ford grew sullen. He put his hand on Dipper's shoulder and began, "Dipper..."

"What, Stanford?" said Dipper

"You _do_ know why Rick made that journal, right?" said Ford.

"Because he was interested in Gravity Falls, right? That's why he came here," guessed Dipper.

"Dipper, look. Rick is an unrepentant _jerk_. He loves to do things just to prove how _smart_ he is. And one of his favorite things is putting other people down for not being as smart as he is," said Ford.

"Boy, sounds like _someone_ I know!" said Stan.

"What? I mean, I don't _try_ to put down Mabel for her... stuff... anymore," said Dipper.

"He wasn't talking about _you_ , Dipper," said Ford in a strained, sad tone.

Dipper said, "Oh, right. So Rick. He made that journal-"

"In two days," said Ford.

"Right. He made that journal just to prove how much smarter he is than you?" said Dipper.

"That's correct."

"Hold on, if this Rick guy is such an asshole, then why are you so eager to hang out with him?" said Wendy.

Stan pointed at Ford and said, "Told you, he's got a crush!"

Soos said, "Wow, it's just like in my fanfictions!"

Ford said, "I do _not_ have a crush on Rick. I mean, have you _seen_ the guy? I could do way better than that!"

"So what, do you have a crush on this _'Mister Poopybutthole'_ , then?" said Stan.

" _No_ , Stanley, I do _not_!" said Ford.

"Umm, we're not even pretending to be age-appropriate anymore, are we?" said Dipper.

"Hey, it's not _my_ fault his name sounds so silly! He's an _alien_ , what do you want from me?" said Ford.

"Ehh, whatever..." said Wendy.

"I got the sweaters!" said Mabel, as she ran back to the group holding two sweaters, one pink and one black.

"Ok, now we just have to wait for Rick to show up outside, with a portal," said Ford.

"And what makes you think this isn't another prank?" said Stan.

"Because Morty called Mabel and said so," said Ford.

"What makes you think this ' _Morty_ ' person isn't in on it?"

"Oh, trust me, Grunkle Stan, Morty told me all about Rick's tricks! He wouldn't try to fool _me_!" said Mabel.

Just as she had said that, the green portal that they were anticipating materialized. Rick poked his upper body through in order to wave to them and say, "Alright! I'm here! Come on you guys, this is gonna be so awesome!" Then, he went back through.

"Wow. Another dimension. I wonder what it'll be like," said Dipper.

"I know right? Who knows what mysterious wonders lie on the other side," said Soos.

* * *

 

The six of them walked through the portal. As they came through the other side, they were greeted by the sight of a normal suburban house. Rick was nowhere to be seen at that time.

"This is it?" said Dipper, who was expecting something a little more... sci-fi.

"Yes, this is it," said Ford, "This is Rick's house."

"Come on, you guys, the Pines are here!" said Rick, as he emerged from the house. He was followed by four people: a woman with blonde hair and a red shirt, a man with wavy brown hair and a green shirt, a teenage girl with orange hair and a pink tank top, and a younger teenage boy with slightly wavy hair and a yellow shirt.

"So this is the 'Pines' family we've heard so much about?" said Jerry.

"Yes," said Rick. Then, he turned to the Mystery Shack crew and said, "Heeey! Glad you guys could make it! For those of you who don't know, I'm Rick Sanchez!"

Rick pointed at his family members, and introduced them, saying "This is my daughter Beth, my unemployed son-in-law Jerry, and my grandkids, Morty and *urrrp* Summer! Now it's your turn, introduce yourselves!"

Ford began, "Oh, well, I'm Stanf-"

Mabel took in a deep breath and said, "HI! I'm Mabel I love glitter, and kittens, and making sweaters! This is my dorky twin brother, Dipper! He likes hunting for mysteries (and he has a thing for redheads!)" (she looked Summer directly in the eye as she said that last part) "These guys are my Grunkles, Stanley and Stanford! Stanley's the silly one, like me, except he also likes to _scam_ people! Stanford's the scientist, like Rick, and he's even grumpier than Stanley is! And these guys are Wendy and Soos. They work for my Grunkle Stan at the Mystery Shack. By the wayyy..." Mabel took off the backpack she was wearing, and then pulled out two sweaters. One was black, with planets and stars on it, and the other was pink, with a kitten surrounded by a swirly ribbon of rainbow. "Morty, Summer! I got you two some sweaters!"

"Oh, wow!" said Morty, as they recieved them.

"Looks pretty neat," said Summer.

"What do you say, kids?" said Rick.

Morty paused for a moment, then looked at Mabel and said, "Oh, um... 'Get the fuck out of my dimension and leave my family alone!'"

Mabel was absolutely shocked by that vulgarity (and so was everyone else) so she said, "Whaaaat?"

Morty turned to Rick and yelled, "OH MY GOD, Rick! I-I _knew_ it! I shouldn't have listened to you!"

"Uh, _yeah_ , you shouldn't have listened to him. What were you thinking?" said Summer.

"Summer, you weren't-you weren't there, when he told those aliens in his car battery that _this_ -" Morty held out his middle finger to nobody in particular, "-means 'Peace among worlds!'"

Rick said, "Uhh, _what are you talking about_ , Morrtyy?"

Morty said, "You know _damn well_ what I'm talking about, Rick! Those aliens, the ones who power your car battery!"

Rick said, "Oh, those guys, nah I set 'em free! They're out in some other dimension, not in my _battery,_ Morty."

Morty said, "Oh and when did you have this _sudden_ change of heart, huh?"

Rick said, "When I was de-toxed, _Morty_. _Obviously._ Pay attention!"

Morty said, "Oh, well, alright then."

Wendy said, "Umm, are we gonna go? Or are we just gonna listen to you guys argue?"

Rick said, "We're waiting for Mr. Poopybutthole."

Dipper said, "I _still_ can't believe that's a real name."

Beth said, "Oh believe me, he's real. I learned _that_ lesson the hard way."

"Speak of the deeevilll! Here I am!" said a high-pitched voice, coming from a small, yellow, pill-shaped person who was exiting a car on the street. He said, "Bye, sweetie!" to a lady inside the car-another member of his species. Then, the car drove off. With Mr. Poopybutthole, the group was complete, so Rick opened a portal to Blips 'N Chitz and went through, followed by everyone else. Everyone that wasn't Ford did a double-take upon emerging into the massive arcade in space.

The twelve of them approached the ticket booth. Rick bought twelve admissions tickets, and handed them out to eleven people with varying levels of excitement, trepidation, and wonder in their hearts.

"Allright, here's the plan, I *urp* don't want any of you _multiverse newbies_ getting lost, or getting into trouble, or starting shit with any aliens because of how they look. So I've got two things here. This first thing, its a hat!" Rick pulled out a dark grey (or light black?) newsboy hat. "It's a sentient sorting hat, like in Harry Potter. It picks two people at random. The second thing is a universal translator, it'll allow you to understand every language." Rick then pulled out a space-age-looking needle-probe.

Dipper said, "What's 'Harry Potter'?"

Morty said, "What, they don't have Harry Potter in your dimension?"

Dipper replied, "Clearly we don't."

Rick said, "Huh. Gotta look into that later. Anyway, everyone introduce yourselves to the hat!"

Everyone introduced themselves to the hat. Then, the hat spoke (the front of the hat and the brim flapped as if it was a mouth, and it spoke in a strong New York accent). It named the six pairs: Rick and Soos, Stan and Jerry, Stanford and Beth, Dipper and Mr. Poopybutthole, Mabel and Morty, and Summer and Wendy. Few words were spoken in response to the named pairs, except for Summer and Wendy's pair.

Summer said something about Wendy being an alternate universe counterpart to her, and Wendy said that they could "swap stories." Jerry leaned over to nobody in particular, and said "I bet that's not the _only_ thing they'll be swapping." Summer immediately erupted at him, while Beth and Morty scolded him. Wendy didn't catch on immediately, but it became clear to her once Rick admonished Jerry for "spooking" them, and "Derailing the natural process of lesbian romance". Needless to say, she was not amused.

Eventually, though, the six pairs split up, after Rick injected the universal translators into them, and warned them about the games which 'kill' you when you lose (In actuality, the 'death' would not be permanent, but it WOULD mean a lengthy process of restoring the body which meant not being able to do anything for the rest of the day.) He told them to meet back at the lobby in front of the building once they all ran out of Flurbos and tickets.

* * *

 

"Ok, so, here we go," said Morty, as he led Mabel through the space-arcade.

"Look at all the different aliens! They're all so _adorable_!" said Mabel.

"Oh, yeah. This is in space. Definitely a lot of aliens," said Morty.

"You don't seem too surpised, Morty," said Mabel, who was looking at one red-haired alien that looked sort of like a palm tree, but with arms.

"Yeah, I see different species all the time. I also talk to them sometimes too, but that's usually just for business.

"Wanna make some alien friends?" said Mabel with enthusiasm.

"Oh, well I dunno, I mean, I wouldn't wanna bother anyone if-" Morty realized that Mabel wasn't listening to him; instead, she was already going up to the others to befriend them.

"Hi! My name is Mabel! I come from Earth! What's _your_ name?" said Mabel, to a blue alien that had two big eyes on stalks, and a short torso with a big mouth in the middle.

"Oh, umm, hi, I guess? I'm... um... Rimo...?" responded the alien.

"Where are _you_ from?" said Mabel.

"Umm... I'm from Gorfladon 3, I guess? I, um... I'm not..." said the alien, as they nervously looked to the side and twiddled their fingers.

"Come on, don't be shy! We're here to have fun, right?" said Mabel.

Morty grabbed Mabel by the shoulder, and said, "Mabel, come on, that alien, I dunno if that alien's comfortable talking to strangers."

"Oh, oh well."

"Maybe... Maybe you should, um, stick to talking to the ones who are, you know, more receptive to it."

Morty led Mabel around the arcade, then took her to one of the "Roy" consoles.

"Roy? What's that?" asked Mabel.

"It's a game, where you're just a regular guy, called "Roy Parsons'. You get to live through his entire life, in like 5 minutes," said Morty.

"That sounds pretty cool!" said Mabel, "I wanna try!"

Mabel put on the headset.

Roy Parsons woke up with his mother in the room. He said something about being in an arcade, but she reassured him it was just a dream.

The next day, Roy went to school, bringing a very Mabel-like charm to all the people around him. The girls were all like, "Eww, leave me alone you weirdo!" The boys, on the other hand, were a bit more receptive to Roy's antics, especially when he cracked some jokes at the expense of the teacher's lesson. They were less receptive, however, to Roy's romantic advances. Since Roy was in a time before the late 2000's, his peers immediately ostracized him for being a homosexual. Try as he might, the label "Faggot" was stuck to his head in a metaphorical sense. Roy's parents weren't all that understanding either. Many arguments were had over Roy's homosexual behavior, and they tried to convince him to stop being gay in public. Roy went onto the internet, and then found a support website, where he learned that being gay is not a choice. This put him at odds with his parents, and from then on, he lost the sense of closeness and intimacy that he thought he could rely upon.

Roy's grades slipped, and even though he was able to escape the harassment by starting on the blank slate that was a high school full of strangers, he still felt alienated from his peers, and his grades never did recover. At age eighteen, Roy was kicked out of the house by two callous parents, and was left on the streets. Eventually, he found his way to a "Gay Neighborhood", where he found momentary solace with other gay men. However, most of his new friends were as broken as he was. They partied constantly, took dangerous drugs, and had copious amounts of unprotected sex. Roy saw two of his best friends die from drug overdoses, and another from AIDS. Eventually, Roy couldn't handle the heartbreak anymore. At the age of 24, Roy Parsons killed himself.

"Oh geez. I'm sorry," said Morty, as Mabel's eyes rolled back into place.

"Huh? Where am I?" said Mabel, her voice filled with melancholy.

"You're back in the arcade. You're gonna be okay," said Morty.

"Oh. OH WAIT! You're Morty, right?"

"Yep."

"Well, that was... That wasn't fun..."

"Yeah, Roy, Roy's a game that gets more fun once you know how to play it."

"If you say so..." Mabel looked around, readjusting herself to the new-but-familiar arcade environment. "Morty, can I have a hug?"

"Oh, um, I guess."

Mabel wrapped her arms around Morty. She pressed her face against the black space-sweater that she had just finished four hours ago. Morty nervously patted her on the head. After about ten seconds of pressing her face against his chest, she lifted her head, looked at Morty, and said, "Hey Morty, you wanna be my boyfriend?"

"Whaaaaaa?" said Morty, as he stopped hugging Mabel, feeling confused and flustered.

"If you're single, that is!"

"Oh geez. Umm... Well, I guess so? How old are you again?"

"I'm twelve, but I'm gonna be thirteen at the end of the week!"

"Oh, ok. Well, I'm fourteen, so I guess that's not gonna be too bad."

"What, you're not worried about being a _creep_ , are you?"

"Well, I guess not. I mean, I've done a lot worse things than dating someone a year or two younger than me."

"Well then, that settles it! _You're my boyfriend now!_ "

"Allright then."

Mabel played Roy again, and this time, she got a much better score. Roy kept his gayness perfectly hidden until _after_ he made it as a successful cartoon-director in the 2010's. Roy met a cute blonde man named Harold, and together, they adopted a kid and raised them as their own, living off of the roy-alties from Roy's hit series, "Ponies in Space". Roy died at the ripe old age of 83, surrounded by his family, as well as hundreds of the dedicated "Space-Pones" who fell in love with his show.

As Mabel came back into reality, Morty said, "Congratulations. See? I told you you'd get a better score this time!"

"You're right!" said Mabel, "That was _so_ much better!" She hugged him firmly.

Then, the two of them proceeded to play a few more games and chat with some aliens who weren't as shy as the blue one.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, at one of the claw machines...

"I don't think you should be doing that," said Jerry, as Stanley reached his hand into the dropping-chute of the claw machine.

"Nonsense!" said Stan, "I know a rigged machine when I see one. The only way to beat a cheating machine is to out-cheat it!"

As he wiggled his hand around, his fingers poked up over the edge of the chute. One of the animals inside (which looked like an indigo ball with four relatively long, jointed limbs, and a big cute eyeball in the front) woke up and then leaped at Stan's hand, and wrapped its tentacle-like mouth-grabbers around his fingers; Stan felt it sucking. At first he shouted in surprise, but then he realized that his plan had worked, and he said, "AHA! Told you this'd work!" Then, he pulled out his hand with the alien attached.

"Huh. Well, good job, then," said Jerry, before slurping his bubbly milkshake-esque alien drink through a rigidly angular crazy-straw.

Stan said, "I can't wait to show Mabel! I bet she'd love something like this. That pig of hers could use a friend to keep him company in the house, so he doesn't bother me as much." The alien animal pawed at his wrist as it perched, blinked its eye, and kept feeling at him with its mouth-tentacles.

* * *

 

Beth and Ford shared few words beyond their introduction. The two of them didn't have all that much in common, which was made perfectly evident when Ford suggested games to play and Beth responded with a "Meh." One thing they _did_ have in common, though, was the fact that they ate food. So they went over to the restaurant and ordered some extra-terrestrial cuisine and alcoholic beverages. Beth, for all the space adventures she had been on, was still a little unaccustomed to the prospect of eating live food, but nevertheless, she ate the chabos, flobos, and sheebos (little purple space-equines on a stick) along with Ford without complaint (The flobo made a little screech when she bit into it though, and Ford reminded her that you have to bite the flobo head-first, otherwise it wouldn't be pleasant). They each periodically sipped their alcoholic drinks; Beth had a "Wahala" (the fermented juice of the Waha fruit from planet Zama 2) while Ford had a "Loopy Zipo" (the fermented extract of the fruiting bodies of the asteroid-shrooms of the Orion's Belt Asteroid Belt) The two of them sat in awkward silence at first, but then the alcohol started working its magic.

Beth broke the silence, as she fiddled with the innards of the live impaled sheebo with a plastic knife and toothpick. "So... You're like the Rick of the Gravity Falls dimension, then?"

Ford responded, "Sort of, but not really. And for the record, my dimension is called 46'\\."

"Right," said Beth.

"So... What's it like?"

"What's what like?"

"Being raised by Rick?"

"Oh boy. Where do I begin? I mean, it's kinda nice, having a genius for a parent. Means I have his genius genes, y'know? I always looked up to him for how smart he was."

"Uh-huh."

"But then again, he _did_ leave my mom and I when I was just fourteen. I couldn't stand it, being without him. Three years after that, Jerry got me pregnant, and I had Summer, and I had to give up my dream of being a human surgeon in favor of being a _horse_ surgeon."

"I see."

"Then he came back, and I was so happy, until the Galactic Federation busted his friends at a wedding, and he turned himself in. But then, he destroyed the Galactic Federation, and freed Earth. Then Jerry gave me an ultimatum: him, or Rick, so I chose Rick, and divorced Jerry. But then Rick told me I could be a clone, and it got so intense that I couldn't handle it anymore, so I remarried Jerry. And now, here we are."

"Hmm..."

"You and Rick. You went on adventures in the multiverse together, right?"

"Yes."

"How'd that go?"

"Well, we did some stuff together, a lot of it illegal. Rick did lighten me up a little at first. It was nice to see another human who had made his way into the multiverse."

"So you two were friends?"

"At first, yes. I told him my story, and at first, he was very respectful. And he never even once made fun of me for my six fingers. I appreciated that. But then..."

"What happened?"

"He tried to reason with my enemy, Bill Cipher. Once I called him out on it, he took that as an opportunity to let me know that the only reason I ended up in the multiverse was because I was duped by Bill into making the portal. I couldn't take it, so I didn't speak to him after that."

"Well, at least he didn't let you trick yourself into thinking you were a clone that he'd have to kill once it got self-aware."

"Wow..."

"My dad's a real asshole, isn't he?"

"Yeah."

"Why are you here, then? You don't have some pent-up romantic thing for him, do you?"

"Um _no!_ Do _you_?" said Ford.

"Oh. Ohohooo... _NO,_ " said Beth, as she drank the last bit of her "Wahala."

"If we're being honest, I think it's because I feel like I owe him. He did recently save my universe, after all," said Ford.

"Huh. Well, good for him, I guess," said Beth.

* * *

 

Rick and Soos were having one hell of a time. They quickly went through their flurbos to buy tickets for the all games they played, only to have a lucky break when Soos got a high score in Laser-Fairies and earned a thousand tickets.

"Dude, you got a high score in _Laser-Fairies_! You *urrp* must be some kinda _GOD!_ " said Rick.

Soos said, "What can I say? My quick reaction time, plus a bunch of sassy cute girls to get me fired up inside, equals high score!"

Rick made a smug face and a finger gun, then said, "I bet I can beat yours, though!"

Soos said, "Huh. You, who called me a god, dare to presume that you are such? We shall see!"

Rick started the game, choosing Christmas-Vampire-Fairy as his fairy. He went through levels of increasingly intense laser-patterns, and increasingly sassier fairies. Then, the machine broke.

Rick shouted, "Aww SHIT! _Motherfucker_! The fucking machine, it broke! It's busted! Oh well, Soos, you win this round..."

Soos said, "Dude, maybe I could fix it!"

Rick said, "Really? I _doubt_ it. This is an arcade machine, _in space_. You really think you could do it?"

Soos said, "I've dealt with haunted game machines before. I can try."

Rick gave Soos some tools. He opened up the machine, then identified the loose wire that caused the game machine to break. Soos closed the machine, then turned it on, and it was working like normal.

Rick said, "Dude, that was *urrp* amazing! Here, I got this busted portal-gun off a dead alternate Rick. You think you could fix it?"

"I seriously doubt it. It's far beyond anything I've ever seen. I mean, an arcade machine is one thing, but this, this is something _completely_ different," said Soos.

"But you can _try,_ " said Rick.

"Sure," said Soos. So he tried.

* * *

 

"You know, you're being really racist right now," said Summer, as the two of them tried to toss balls with wobbly internal gyroscopes into a spatially-distorted basketball hoop.

"What?" said Wendy.

"Those looks you're giving to all these people. It's totally giving off a 'racist' vibe, y'know."

"Well... um... I mean..." Wendy gestured over to the other creatures, one of whom waved at her. She turned to Summer and said, "How do you _expect_ me to react? I mean, I'm trying to be _polite_!" (She said this in a somewhat hushed tone; she was aware that the other aliens probably also had universal translators too, since one of them had approached them thinking that they were sisters.)

"Don't you have weird creatures in Gravity Falls? That's what Mabel told me."

"Well, _yeah_. But it's not like I'm part of it most of the time. It's usually just Dipper and Mabel, and sometimes Soos going on those adventures. For me, most of the time it's just being the cashier for the Mystery Shack, putting up with Stan."

"What's the 'Mystery Shack'?"

"It's a tourist trap that sells a bunch of fake mysterious stuff to anyone who's stupid enough to buy it."

The two of them moved on to another game, where people commanded their own running robot and raced toward a finish line, dodging obstacles and attacks from other people's robots.

Summer said, "Oh. So, like, at first, you didn't go on many adventures, right? But then later, you did."

"Yeah, why?" said Wendy.

"I think you might be the Summer of Gravity Falls," said Summer, after placing third in the race. Wendy placed seventh out of all twelve competitors. (An alien with a conic torso and eyes that could see all 360 degrees was the winner. He was overjoyed, though a different alien, with one eye, four arms, and a slender torso said some vitriolic alien swears at him; presumably, they were the winner's rival.)

Wendy said, "Huh?" It took a while to sink in. "Oh. Well... what makes _you_ so sure you aren't the _Wendy_ of... umm... _your dimension_?"

"Touché," said Summer, as they arrived at a game similar to whack-a-mole, "There _was_ this one time I worked at an antique shop that sold cursed items. Then my granpa ran the guy who owned it out of business and drove him to suicide. I tried being his friend and standing up for him, but since he was literally _the devil_ , he backstabbed me once he got back on his feet, so Rick and I beat him up."

" _Woah_. Hey, these things aren't alive, are they?" said Wendy, as she splattered the head of the first whack-an-alien-animal that popped through the hole.

"They aren't now," said Summer.

"That's pretty hardcore."

"You think _this_ is hardcore?"

"Uhh, _yeah_ , that's what I said. What, you think-oh wait-"

"This is just like the time when Morty and Rick and I were out in space, and I was trying to convince this one group of aliens to resist control from a hivemind that used to date Rick, and when the hivemind actually gave them back free will, they turned out to be a bunch of racists who fought a race war over the shape of their nipples. And when I tried to stop them, Morty was all like 'Heh, Summer, first race war, huh?', cause he'd already been on a ton of adventures before me."

Wendy's eyes were wide. After a second of silence, she said, "Ok... That's definitely..."

Summer immediately said, "You think I'm going overboard, don't you? Or that I'm being too edgy?"

"What? No, it's just... Wow. I dunno if I'm cut out for this kinda stuff."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I mean, I think I'm still pretty shaken up about that shape-shifting monster that tried to kill me and Dipper."

"Eventually I got used to it. But hey, if you wanna live normally, that's up to you. You aren't a Pines, after all, so you don't _have_ to go on adventures like they do."

"Ugh, well I mean, I don't _hate_ it, but it's just... a lot, you know?" said Wendy.

"Trust me, I know where you're coming from," said Summer.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, at another video game section...

"So... Mr. Poopybutthole. What planet are you from?" said Dipper, after finishing the first video game-one where you were a baby of a skeleton-less species, and you had to find your mom in an 8-bit supermarket without getting squished by falling merchandise, shopping carts, robot-employees, or shoppers that had skeletons.

"Ohh, well I'm from Planet Poopypants, of course!" said Mr. Poopybutthole.

"Of course you are."

"Oh, you've been there?"

"What? No. I'm just saying..."

"That my name and my planet both have the word 'poopy' in them? Is thaaaat what you were gooing foor?"

"Sure, whatever. So what's your planet like?"

"Weelll, it's a lot like Earth, really! Same level of technological development, for the mooost paaart."

"Well, that's interesting."

"Well, I'm glaad you think so!"

Dipper didn't bring up anything else that day. He simply went around, playing different video games with Mr. Poopybutthole. Some of the games were weird, and Mr. Poopybutthole had to warn him about the game that cuts your head off, but they had a good time overall. Dipper occasionally thought about the relationship between his great uncle and Rick, but the video games were fun enough that he didn't dwell on it for too long.

* * *

 

Once everyone had spent all their Flurbos, they began heading to the lobby. Dipper and Mr. Poopybutthole came first, followed by Jerry and Stan (who was holding the alien that he'd stolen from the claw machine). Dipper asked Stan if they were going to keep it, and he said that he was going to give it to Mabel as a present. Summer and Wendy came over next, and Summer gave her dad an awkward, scolding look. Then, Beth and Ford arrived. After they came, Rick rushed over ahead of Soos, who was trying to keep up with him.

"You guys, you guys! *urrp* This guy, he's like the best Morty out of all of them! He's got the brainwaves going, but he can also _repair my portal gun!_ "

Once Soos caught up, he took a moment to catch his breath, and he said, "It's really not that big a deal. I mean, that portal gun wasn't too broken, all its pieces were still there, they just needed to be welded into place!"

"You're really something else, Soos!" said Rick.

"Also, you _did_ beat my Laser-Fairies high score, so you're still top dog, dawg," said Soos.

"You repaired his portal gun?" said Ford in mild awe.

"You can keep it. You've earned it! Just follow the instructions, and you're good to go!" said Rick.

"Wow. My very own portal gun," said Soos as he held the portal gun in his hands.

"Ok, but just so you know, Rick, he's my guy, ok? So don't you think about taking him on adventures by yourself!" said Stan, as he put his arm on Soos's shoulder.

"*urrp* OOH! Marking your territory, huh, Stan? Fine, keep him. You're lucky to have a Morty this *urrrp* high quality," said Rick.

"Hey, where's Mabel?" said Dipper.

"She must still be out there playing games with Morty," said Summer.

"I bet she's gonna try to date him or something," said Wendy.

"Yeah. I bet she is. So what, now we're waiting for them to end their _date_?" said Dipper.

"Who knows when _that's_ gonna happen?" said Stan.

"How about right now?" said Summer, pointing to the two as they approached the group.

"Well, it's _about damn time_ , Morty! While you were making out with your _girlfriend_ , we've all been-"

"I can't believe you told her about the genius waves and the stupid waves! Oh, who am I kidding, of course I believe it!" said Morty.

"Wait what? I thought they were twin-brainwaves?" said Mabel.

"G-great going, Morty! I had her thinking that-that she had a special connection with her brother, but you had to just ruin it!" said Rick.

"Don't you pin this on me, Rick! You're the one who told me I was camoflage, tha-that you needed to cancel out your genius waves with my _Morty-_ waves!" said Morty.

"And Summer waves, let's not forget about that one..." said Summer.  
"Ugh, will you just give it a _rest_? I just wanna go _home!_ " said Wendy.

"Soos, you have a portal gun right? Let's get outta here!" said Stan.

"Hold on! I got something else for you guys! Here." Rick took out several pairs of weird-looking scissors, and then handed them out to everyone. "These scissors are *urp* primitive portal-making devices. You can go anywhere you've been before with these!"

Several people began mumbling about how cool that was, but Ford said, "You're buying our friendship, aren't you?"

"Not everything has to have an _ulterior motive_ , Stanford!" said Rick.

"With you it does," said Jerry.

"Ugh. _Whatever_ Jerry," said Rick.

* * *

 

Everyone then said their goodbyes and then went home. Everyone in Rick's dimension went to sleep rather easily, except for Morty, who received a call from Mabel.

In Gravity Falls, Ford went to the lab to continue work on the device he was building. Stan introduced Mabel to the weird little alien, but since she already had one pet already, she decided to give it to Soos. Soos named the alien "Noodles", since its tentacles were like noodles, and it also sounded like Waddles, and he spent the night reading the instructions on how to take care of it. Wendy went home right away. Dipper went to bed, where the thoughts about Ford and Rick began creeping into his head once more. Before Mabel went to bed, she called Morty to set up another date on the next day, this time in Gravity Falls. Once Morty agreed to it, she went to bed and fell asleep fantasizing about what they would do tomorrow.

* * *

 

Garmilax the Lacerator wracked his brain over how to use the super-weapon sold to him by that alien scientist who called himself "Rick." He wiggled his four legs, doing what we humans might call a "squat." His two beady eyes stayed open on a frozen grey-skinned face, as he stared only at the vague reflection of himself on the blank metallic wall of his private room.

In his demonstration, Rick had so effortlessly spewed streams of noxious slime, explosive ballsacks, and sticky spheres that inhibited movement. He had said that the only limit was your imagination. But that was just the problem. Garmilax didn't have a very good imagination. The device had transformed from a little remote-control-like thing into a simple club with the symbol of Hernia, the interstellar nation which Garmilax ruled ruthlessly by birthright. By now, he was down 18,000 Flurbos, and he had no way to find Rick again. However, there _was_ one option which had been made available to him after the conquest of Wopnar 7: the Triangle-Cyclops. So he drew the symbol from the ritual on the wall, and said the words: "Triangulum, entangulum. meteforis dominus ventium. Meteforis venetisarium!" The environment around him began to shift, and he automatically said, "Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus."

The symbol on the wall began to glow, and the triangle-guy drawn in the middle gained color and began to float.

"Well, hello there! What's _your_ name, big guy?" said the triangle.

"I am Garmilax the Lacerator, and I need your help," said the interstellar warlord.

"Well I'm Bill Cipher, and I'll be glad to help! Whaddya need?" said Bill.

"I need you... To make me more creative," said Garmilax.

"Why do you need _that_?" said Bill.

"Because... I have obtained a weapon of infinite power, but it is limited by how creative the person using it is." Garmilax showed Bill the magical club.

"Hmm..." said Bill, as he grabbed the club, "Yeah, I think I can help you out. Let me get back to you, in, say... about one of your home planet's 'days'." in Bill's hand, the weapon turned into a black cane, with the emblem at the end consisting of an upside-down pyramid with four claws at its ends which held an eyeball with a narrow pupil. He handed back the weapon to Garmilax.

"Thank you very much, Bill Cipher," said Garmilax, as Bill disappeared and color returned to the room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Next Chapter: Bill Cipher speaks to some Mewnians]


	11. Triangulation

The purple ooze had called itself "Smooze", at least that's what the monsters assumed, since that's all it said. It had quickly spilled out of the green portal that the scientist had created, and covered the entire room. Some monsters in Toffee's army were able to escape its grasp, and fled. The Smooze crawled up the sides of the room, thinning itself over the flat surfaces, while still remaining thick around the monsters it had trapped. Then, it dried into an unbreakable crust. And so they waited.

"I'm _hunnnngryyyy..._ " said Beard Deer.

"We're _all_ hungry, you idiot! The least you could do is shut up about it!" said Man Arm.

"I just wanna know when Boo Fly is gonna bring us some more food, that's all," said Beard Deer.

"He'll be here when he gets here, but until then, could you please just shut up?" said Spikeballs.

"Ugh, _fine,_ " said Deer.

Toffee, meanwhile, was sound asleep. He'd quickly realized that there was no way to break free from his encasement, so he'd simply given Boo Fly instructions to grab his dimensional scissors, bring food, and then search for a solution in Quest Buy in the mean time. After this, he could do nothing other than wait, hoping that this minion wouldn't screw up the orders.

As Toffee slept, he began to dream. He found himself in his castle, but it wasn't covered in slime. He quickly realized that this meant he was in a dream, so he decided to have some fun. He walked onto one of the balconies, then launched himself into the air, where he proceeded to fly in a circle around the perimeter of the castle. Then, he flew upward, and situated himself on the highest tower.

He looked into the distance, and could see the Butterfly castle. It was much closer than it should have been, owing to the curvature of Mewni which should have placed it beyond the horizon. He looked to his hand with the missing finger, and tried to restore it. It worked. (He was _definitely_ in a dream.) He aimed the finger at the Butterfly castle and shot a beam toward it, causing it to explode. He smiled at this, waiting as the pieces of debris soared through the air in all directions, while the cloud of death grew tall.

Then, all of a sudden, the fresh ruin of Castle Butterfly returned fire. A blue flame soared out from the cloud of debris, which surprised Toffee. He looked downward just in time to see the fire enter his castle and cause it to explode as well. The force of the explosion sent Toffee painlessly soaring into the sky. He turned his gaze away from the sky, and toward where his castle was supposed to be. However, all he could see was a hole in the ground, with the chunks of earth surrounding it quickly crumbling and falling inward. Then, Toffee felt himself beginning to fall. His acceleration though dream space happened so quickly that he expected to wake up. To his surprise, though, he continued falling, faster and faster and faster, into nothing.

Then, he slammed into the floor of his palace. It was actually not the floor, it was the purple slime, but the slime had no color. He stood up, and looked around. The other monsters weren't there, and the whole room was grey. Then, a yellow triangle with an eye in the middle darted into view. He said, "So... Stumpy... Ya got _smoozed_!"

Toffee knew something was off. He'd never seen or heard of this individual; it had no reason to be in his dreams. Even if that hadn't been readily apparent to him, he couldn't ignore how offputtingly friendly the whole situation felt at that moment. Toffee said, "Excuse me? Who are you? Where are you?"

The triangle introduced itself: "Allow me to introduce myself! I'm Bill Cipher. I'm in your dreams, and you're stuck under a pile of dried purple slime in the real world!"

Toffee was somewhat offput by Bill's forwardness, but his previous experience with less-than-sane individuals told him it was to be expected. "Yes, obviously I am. What do you want?"

Bill said, "I wanna help you. You know _this guy?_ " His body instantly changed appearance, to show an image of a man with blue hair and a white labcoat, silently talking with a smug look on his face.

Toffee felt simultaneously shocked and validated by the familiarity of that face. He said,"How do you know him? He's the one who ruined my plan. He stole the Wand and filled my castle with that purple gunk."

Bill's face returned, and he said, "Smooze."

Toffee affirmed, "Yes. _Smooze_."

Bill said, "So, what was this big _plan_ of yours, and how exactly did Rick spoil it for you?"

"Rick?" said Toffee.

"This guy." Bill showed a picture of the man again.

"Right. But why bother telling you my plan now? It's ruined." said Toffee.

Bill said, "Because, Toffee, I think I _might_ be able to help you!"

"Why would you help me?"

"Well, as you can see, I'm a monster like you..."

"Yes..."

"And I have something _else_ in common with you, too! That Rick guy, he also ruined _my_ big plan." Bill showed a picture of an X-shaped rift in the sky, with tons of monsters spilling out of it. "Boy lemme tell ya, it was something, my plan, but now..."

"You want revenge," said Toffee.

Bill's eye went wide and black, his yellow body turned red, and his voice went deep. He said, "Oh, you have _no idea_!" Then, he went back to normal.

Toffee felt warm with excitement at an opportunity, and trust with this being and his shared frustration. He said, "Hmm. Very well then. My plan was as follows..."

Toffee explained his grand scheme in its entirety.

Once Toffee was done with the exposition, Bill said, "Boy, that sure is a _doozy_! So many intricate parts to it! It's so sensitive and fragile! _Buuuut..._ " Bill looked Toffee in the eye.

Toffee simply said, "But what?"

Bill's body flashed to several different things. Toffee saw Star, Marco, Ludo, Queen Moon, the members of the Magic High Commission, as well as several other humans and a single monster who he didn't recognize. Bill's face returned to normal and he said, "Yeah, I think I can make your plan work. I just need you to work with me on this..."

"How so?" said Toffee. Bill Cipher explained his new plan to Toffee. When he was done, Toffee said, "I see... Yes. That works for me."

Bill said, "Good! It works for me too!" Then he hovered backwards, and his face changed into an image of Moon Butterfly and the four members of the Magic High Commission, who were gathered in a meeting. He said,"You better start working on your story for Moon, though. She's coming right here, and she's bringing the Magic High Commission too! She's gonna wanna know what happened to Star. But I don't think _you_ want her to."

"Thank you for the warning," said Toffee.

"Right! Have fun in the dungeon! _Don't drop the..._ " Bill changed his expression to a more pensive one and said, "Wait, this is a medieval world, you guys don't use even _use_ soap, do ya?" Then he disappeared instantly, and the room was filled with color.

Toffee began to say, "That's not true, we..." but then he realized that Bill was gone.

"What was that, Toffee?" said Spikeballs.

"What?" said Toffee.

"Who were you talking to?" said Spikeballs.

"It was a dream," said Toffee, with a tiny bit of impatience in his voice.

"Oh, all right then," said Spikeballs.

"What was that?" said Man-Arm, as Toffee saw him pointing to the wall behind him.

"What was what?" said Bearicorn.

"It was over there!" said Spikeballs.

"Was it food?" said Beard Deer.

"Nope, no food, it was a portal, and a redhead lady just poked her head through," said Man-Arm.

"Oh crap, that's Hekapoo! It's the Magic High Commission! They're here!" said Bearicorn.

All of a sudden, a large cloud of space appeared through the wall, then a skull materialized in the middle. It was Omnitraxus Prime. Another portal appeared, and Queen Moon stepped through. Her skin was blue, her cheeks were glowing, and she had six arms, as well as wings and antennae. Toffee, despite knowing she was on her way, still bristled at her presence. She sent a pulse of magic into the slime, causing it to disintegrate. The monsters adjusted themselves, then each of them tried to run, except for Toffee. Unfortunately, by the time they were able to do so, Hekapoo had surrounded the area in her clones. They said, "Where do you think _you're_ going!?" Then, Omnitraxus Prime extended his massive space-hands, and grabbed Spikeballs and Man Arm, while the Hekapoo clones apprehended the rest of them.

Rhombulus said, "That's right! EAT CRYSTALS!", and proceeded to crystalize every single monster except for Toffee.

Moon saw that Toffee was trying to sit back down in his seat, for some reason, so she immediately fired a bolt of energy to send it slamming against the wall behind it. She returned to her base form, and walked along the side of the table toward Toffee, and he moved to the side to meet her advance. Moon looked him in the eye and said,"Toffee..."

Toffee replied, "Moon."

Moon said, "What are _you_ doing here?"

Toffee said, "I _live_ here."

Rhombulus shouted, "NOT ANYMORE, you don't!"

Moon turned to Rhombulus and said, "Rhombulus, could you please?"

Rhombulus stiffened and said, "Oh, sorry, Moon!"

Moon turned back to Toffee and said, "Anyway..."

Toffee grew a grin on his face, and said, "Don't waste your energy on _me._ "

Moon narrowed her eyes and lifted her Leafy-esque chin. "Oh?"

Toffee continued, "Yes. As you can clearly see, your daughter was quite capable of handling me herself."

Moon said, "Star was here? _What did you do to her?_ "

Toffee smugly replied, "I invited her for a date with that human boy you assigned to her."

Moon said, "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

Toffee said, "I kidnapped the boy and used him as bait. I tried to trick her into giving up the Wand. But unfortunately, she was too _cunning_ for _me_ to fool, so my plan failed. She left this castle, as did the Wand."

Moon asked, "Why didn't Star tell me about you?"

Toffee said, " _Because_ , Moon, like you, she is clearly capable of handling her own problems."

Moon narrowed her eyes again and said, "Clearly."

Toffee put a big smile on his face and said, "So, I suppose this is the part where you kill me?"

Rhombulus shouted, "NO, THIS IS THE PART WHERE _I_ CRYSTALIZE YOU!" Then, he crystalized Toffee. Moon shot him a look.

Rhombulus jumped a little and said, "What? Did I interrupt something? Oh, no, I interrupted you saying something, didn't I, Moon? I'm sorry..."

Moon relaxed herself and said, "You're fine, Rhombulus."

Hekapoo, having dismissed her clones, walked up to Moon and said, "So what happened? Star came in here, poured a bunch of purple ooze on everything, and that's it?"

Moon said, "I guess so."

Lekmet, who had been late to arrive, walked up and said, "Baa'aah aaaha'. Bhaahh."

"Sooo... What now?" said Omnitraxus Prime.

Moon said, "I'll have a word with my daughter. Then, we'll give this castle back to the Avarius clan."

* * *

 

Buffrog had left the castle with his babies, as well as Star and Ludo. He tried to leave Ludo behind, since he really didn't like him. Ludo was not just an awful boss, but an awful person to hang around with in general. Unfortunately, Ludo had caught up with Buffrog and started bugging him again. He stank of desperation.

Ludo said, "Buffrog, I really think you should be nicer to me. I mean, I _am_ the one who gave you the tadpoles, remember?"

Buffrog reminded him, "You gave Buffrog babies as _bribe_ , you are not friend."

Ludo said, "Look, if this is about the time I fired you, I'm sorry, okay? Toffee was manipulating me, and I let myself do it. _I'm sorry!_ "

"Ludo. I need to raise babies. I will not let _you_ raise babies with me."

"Ok, ok, fine. But will you help me take back my castle from Toffee?"

"I already said _no_. I will not go back to castle."

All of a sudden, a soft buzzing could be heard. Both of them instantly recognized it as Boo Fly.

Boo Fly said, "*Bzz-bzzz* Hey Buffrog, Ludo, how's it hanging?"

Ludo said, "Boo Fly, what are _you_ doing here? Are you here to _take me out_ for _Toffee_ so I won't try get my castle back?"

Boo Fly said, "No *bzzz* I came to tell you guyzzz thhat Queen Moon and the *bzzz* Magic High Commission have taken the castle from Toffee *bz-bzz*."

Ludo paused for a moment, staring into space. "Oh... So if I'm to take my castle back I'll need to deal with the Magic High Commission, is that it?"

Buffrog said, "You cannot fight Magic High Commission! They are magic, just like Star!"

Boo Fly said, "*bzz-bzz*I overheard them talking. They say they're gonna give the castle (bzz) back to your parents, Ludo. "

Ludo said, "Well _that's_ unacceptable! Buffrog, Boo Fly, help me get my castle back from my parents... Again!"

Buffrog gave Ludo a condemning look and said, "I do not work for you anymore, Ludo. _You_ fired me."

Ludo turned to Boo Fly. "Ok, what about you, Boo Fly?"

Boo Fly said, "I dunno, man... A lotta our guyzzz got crystalizzed by Rhombulus. *bz* Annnd I dunno if we can take on all your brotherzzz..."

Buffrog said, "I warned you two, Toffee was trouble! I had enough fighting. I need to raise babies."

Boo Fly said, "*bzzzz* You do you, Buffrog."

Ludo was incensed. He reached for the tadpoles, saying, "Are you kidding me? This is unacceptable! Give those back! We are _no longer_ friends!"

Buffrog grabbed Ludo's arm. Then, he coldly said, "No. _These are MY babies._ "

Ludo said, "Umm..." He tried to think of something to say to the incredibly strong frog-man holding his arm, not letting go. But before he could, he felt himself soaring through the air; his arm was numb with shock.

Ludo landed on his head, he didn't know where. "OW!" He got up, dusted himself off, but strangely enough, he felt no pain in his arm, or on his head. Nevertheless, he was not in a good situation, so he complained to nobody: "Uggh, I can't believe this. First my castle gets taken by Toffee, then the Magic High Commission takes it and gives it to my parents. This day couldn't possibly get any worse..."

Ludo, feeling overwhelmingly tense, began to walk around a little bit in the wilderness, not paying any attention to his surroundings. But once he heard a small pop accompanied by the crackling of plastic, he looked down, and said, "Oh, good! A bag of Cornritos! And it looks like I'm the first one to open it, too..."

Ludo reached into the bag, and ate the triangular corn chips one by one. All of a sudden, one of the Cornritos was glowing, and seemed to have an eye, too. The chip shouted, "Woah, there!"

Ludo was incredibly disturbed. "AAAAH! _What the heck!?"_

The yellow triangle floated into the air, and said jovially, "Hi, there Skull-Cap!"

"Who are you!? Where did you come from? And why is everything except for you _grey_?" said Ludo, who just now realized that _everything had been grey for a while._ "Are you a vengeful chip-spirit? Come to punish me for eating chips!?"

The eye-triangle said, "Uhh, _no_ , Skull-Cap. I'm actually your friendly neighborhood _Bill Cipher_!"

"What? I've never seen you around _my_ neighborhood! And how am I supposed to think you're _friendly_ when you hide out in a _bag of chips and then suprise me!?_ " said Ludo.

Bill said, "It's an expression, dummy! But fair point about the chips, I was just doing that to be a little creative. But _guess whaa-aat?_ "  
"What?"

"If you tell me your problems, I _might_ be able to fix them!"

"...Really?"

"Yes."

"Okay then. I have a problem. My castle was taken over by Toffee, but then apparently the Magic High Commission took it from _him_. Now they're going to give it back to my parents, and it's _all just so..._ "

"Infuriating, isn't it, Skull-Cap?"

"Skull-Cap?"

"Sorry, it's Ludo, isn't it?"

"Oh, well yes. But why did you call me _skull-cap_?"

"Figure it out later, smart guy! Anyway, you want me to get the castle back, right?"

"Yes, that's correct."

"Sounds great! I just need you to give _me_ something in exchange!"

"What is it?"

"The Wand."

"But... I've been fighting for the wand for months now! I can't just give it up!"

"Look, I don't work for free, Mr. Avarius. I need your help to get the wand, and then I'll give you your castle. Or, you can get _nothing at all_ , and then I'll just find _someone else_ to help me with that."

"Alright, fine! I'll give up the wand if you give me the castle."

"Then it's a deal! I've already got a plan in mind. I'll let you know when your part comes up!"

"Wait a second. Your plan, for getting my castle back..."

"What about it?"

"It's going to involve violence, right?"

"Couse it is! That's usually how it works when castles change owners!" Bill changed his trianglular body to show the corpses of the entire Avarius family. Including Dennis.

"Right..." Ludo thought a while about what he was going to say next. He never really _hated_ Dennis. And the thought of him being hurt actually made him remember what he was like as a brother. "Well, then, when I get my castle back, could you make sure Dennis isn't hurt? He's the only one who was ever nice to me, and I don't think it'd be worth it if I got my castle back and lost Dennis for it. In addition to not having _the Wand_."

Bill restored his yellow cyclops form and said, "Sure thing, Skull-Cap! I'll keep that in mind."

Ludo said, "Ludo. My name is Ludo."

The world around him began falling apart, accompanied by a bright flash of light. Ludo began to feel weightless as he returned to the waking world, right where he had landed. He remembered that Buffrog had tossed him by the arm, and he had landed on his head. The pain instantly began returning.

Ludo complained, again to nobody, "OWWW! Ow, ow ow! My arm... My head! _Uggh_..."

* * *

 

Star was banging her head on the wall in her room. Marco had told her not to, but she did it nevertheless. She was starting to make a dent. Her eyelids were dark and saggy, and her heart cheeks were purple to match. She complained, "Why is this so _haaaaard_?" she gave a hard slam. "Ugh! I can't stand it! Not having magic _sucks_!"

Marco reassured her: "Star, I know you'll be able to dip down again. I believe in you."

Star whined, "Marco, that's like the _fifth time today_ you said 'I believe in you.' Could you just _stop it_? I don't care if you believe in me, you're believing in something that's _not happening_."

Marco said, "Well, maybe you shouldn't try to force it all the time! I mean, look at you, didn't you even get any sleep last night?"

Star said, "The last three nights." A look of worry grew on Marco's face.

Marco showed her his backpack, filled with books. "Well, at least we have math class with Miss Skullnick, if anything's gonna get you to go to sleep, it's that."

A weary but genuine smile grew on Star's face. "Yeah, you're right Marco! I just gotta put up with that boring ol' troll, and I'll be out cold in no time!"

Marco said, "Good thing that's the last class of the day, too! That way, when you fall asleep, I can just carry dump your body into a portal!"

Star put her hand on his shoulder and said, "Good thinking, Diaz!"

Six hours later, they were in Miss Skullnick's math class. Star thought she was going to be able to go to sleep right away. But no. She had to _earn_ this sleep. By putting up with her teacher's grating voice. Which was partly _her_ fault, since turning her into a troll didn't make her _more_ pleasant to listen to. On and on and on. Star had to put up with it. Again and again. Listening to her boring teacher's voice. She began to feel frustrated, and she bit her fingernails. Then, she used the stubs on her fingernails to scratch at the skin on her fingers. Then, she started sucking on her fingers. She remembered the sweets she had. She ate them, and then sucked the sweetness off her fingers.

At one point, Ms. Skullnick said, "When you're trying to solve for a variable in an equation, you must... Anyone?"

Marco answered, "Isolate the variable."

Ms. Skullnick said, "And how do you do that?"

Marco began to explain, "First, you make sure all of the terms with the same variable are added together. Then, you sutract all the numbers (and other variables if there are any) from each side. That way, there's only that variable on one side. _Then_ , if there's a multiple of the variable, or an exponent, you gotta divide it (or multiply it by its reciprocal), and square root the whole thing to get rid of the root."

After hearing Ms. Skullnick drone on for so long, it was calming to hear Marco's voice. Star leafed through her math textbook as Marco explained the math. She went through a chapter whose pages had angles and triangles on them. As she turned the pages, there seemed to be more and more triangles.

Ms. Skullnick said, "Great job, Mr. Diaz. Now, as you can see..."

Star turned the next page, and as she did, time seemed to slow down, and it became extremely difficult to turn the page. Star strained as she tried to reveal what was on the next page. She was confused, so then she let the page fall back down to it's resting position. Then, she tried again. As she turned the page, she saw a glowing yellow triangle with an eye in the middle, a top hat, a bow tie, and little black stick-arms.

It shouted, "HEY THERE, HEART-CHEEKS!"

Star jumped. "AAAAAH! _WHO ARE YOU? What are you doing in my math book!?_ "

The triangle jumped out of the book and said, "I'm just a traingle that's looking for some fun! Name's Bill Cipher!"

Star pointed at Bill and said, "Okay, Mister _Bill Cipher_. What are you doing in my _math book_? ...That's like, the _least fun_ thing there is!"

Bill said, "Sorry, can't help myself! Traingle, and all... I needed some way to make an entrance. You know, get your attention."

Star asked him, "Why do you want my attention?"

"Because, it seems like you're in need of a little _help_ ," said Bill.

"What _kind_ of help?" said Star, as her eyes narrowed.

"You lost a _wand_ , and you need help getting it back," said Bill. He showed an image of Star's wand.

" _How did you know that?_ " said Star.

"Oh, I saw it. And _I know where it iii-iiis_!" said Bill as he narrowed his eye in excitement. He showed an image of a grey-skinned monster holding a club with an emblem on its tip.

" _That's_ it? Seems pretty dull," said Star.

"Yeah, it does, but look at _this_." Bill returned to his normal appearance, then changed once more. This time, he showed her the man who stole her wand.

" _That's the guy who took my wand!_ " said Star, suddenly filled with hope.

Bill changed back to normal, and gleefully said, "That's right! He sold it to the other guy. I can go to the location where your wand is right away. I just need some dimensional scissors, and a body."

"Really! That's so cool! Tell me where it is so I can get it back!"

"Sorry, Hearts, doesn't work that way. You don't know the location, which means you can't use the scissors to get there. I _do_ know. So _I_ need to use the scissors to get there. But I need a physical body in order to use the scissors, because right now, I'm just a dream-entity."

"Oh. Well how do I get you a body then?"

"Well, maybe you can make me a body sculpted by some of your innate magic."

"Oh, that? You mean by dipping down... Sorry, I haven't been able to do that since a few days ago."

"Yeah, I can tell! And if your current condition is anything to go by, I doubt that you have enough energy to _dip down_ again. _Buuu-uuut..._ "

"But what?"

"Maybe you can give me your friend's body?" Bill pointed to Marco, and Star realized that the whole room had turned grey and frozen.

"Marco? Oh, I'd have to ask him. I don't think he'd be very willing to give it up. He's already freaked out enough by the tentacle arm I gave him."

"Allrighty, then! What about yours?"

"You want to use my body to get back the wand?"

"Yep. I know you have a pair of _dimensional scissors_ , so all I need to do is possess you, then think of the location of the Wand, and then _POOF!_ I'll have your wand back in your hand in like five minutes!"

"Sounds great!"

"Then it's a deal!"

"Yeah!" Then, Star suddenly felt a little nervous. She suddenly realized that giving up her body _might not_ be the best idea. She said, " _Waaaiit_ , why are you so eager to help me? You _just_ met me!"

Bill said, "Oh, right, I almost forgot about that! If I'm gonna give you back the wand, I'm gonna need you to let me have a little _fun_ with your wand first! You know, as _payment_."

"What _kind_ of fun?" said Star.

"You _know_ what kind!" said Bill joyfully.

"No, I don't."

"Look, just let me possess you, and I promise you, by the time you wake up, I'll have the wand back in your hands."

Star said, "Hmm... Lemme talk it over with Marco first."

Bill was a bit disappointed. "All right... If you _insist_."

Star heard Marco say, "Star, are you okay?"

All of a sudden, she was in her bed, and Marco was standing next to it. "Oh, hi Marco. WAIT, what am I doing in my room?"

Marco said, "Remember what I said about last period?"

Star said, " _Ohhhh, riiiiight..._ "

"Yeah, so... Be sure to get some more sleep, Star."

"Okay, Marco. By the way, when I was asleep, some really nice triangle called 'Bill Cipher' told me he knew where my wand was!"

"Uhh... What?"

"Yeah, he told me I had to let him possess someone in order to get it though."

Marco immediately became worried. "Oh? You mean, like, _demonic_ possession? Like, using a person as a puppet?"

Star sighed and said, "Yeah, I guess..."

"Star, that sounds _really_ creepy." Marco jolted back as his eyes widened in horror. " _You're not going to use_ MY _body, are you!?_ "

Star said, "Only if you let me."

"Star, if you have some strange triangle possess me, we will _no longer_ be friends, do you hear me!?"

" _Okay, okay,_ Marco. I won't use your body. I'll use my own, I guess."

"Are you sure about that?"

"Not really."

All of a sudden, Glossaryk floated into the conversation. "Yeah, here's the thing, you are _not_ going to make a deal with _Bill Cipher_."

Star said, " _Why not?_ He knows where the wand is!"

Glossaryk said, "Yes, and he wants to _possess you_ to get to it! You do realize he's tricking you, right?"

Marco said, "Heh, figured."

Star said, "Why would he trick me?"

Glossaryk said, "Because that's what he _does_. Trust me, I know the guy, I've had to deal with him in the past."

Star said,"How do _you_ know?"

Glossaryk said, "Because I _know_ him, Star. I've run into him on several occasions in the past, and _every single time_ , he was trying to trick someone naive. Like you."

Star sassed back, "So what then, my wand is just going to stay lost forever?"

Glossaryk said, "Yes. The wand is gone now, so you're just going to have to do magic the _hard way_ from now on."

Star said, "But I _can't_!"

Glossaryk said, "You've done it before. Just figure out how to do it again."

Star said, "That's what I've been _trying to do_!"

Marco said, "Have you tried getting some sleep?"

Star said, "Uggh! You're no help! At least Bill Cipher says he can help!"

Glossaryk said, "Star, listen. Bill Cipher's 'help' is a lot like junk food. He seems all sweet at first, but then you realize that you've got a terrible stomach ache and you get fat eventually. But me, I'm like healthy food. I don't taste as good, but I won't make you sick or fat."

Star paused, in order to let it all in. Then she said, "But I _love_ junk food!"

Glossaryk said, "Oh, ok, my bad. I realize that was a terrible analogy."

Marco sassed, "You said it."

Glossaryk said, "Watch your mouth, boy!"

Star's mirror-phone began to ring.

Star said, "Oh, no, my mirror! It's ringing. It's probably my mom..."

Glossaryk said, "You're going to have to tell your mom you lost the wand. Accept the consequences."

Star was like, "Uhhhh..."

Marco said, "Star, look, even if your mom _does_ disown you, you can still stay here, you know that, right?"

Star was all like, "Marco..."

Glossaryk said, "Your mother loves you, Star. She's not going to be _that_ mad that you lost the wand. I doubt she'll disown you."

Star shut him down. "Glossaryk, get back in the book."

Glossaryk went, "Star..."

Star asserted herself. " _Now_."

Glossaryk submitted. "As you wish."

Star nervously walked up to the mirror-phone. Part of her felt as if she was her life as she knew it was about to end once she answered. But she realized that Mom would just come herself, in person, if she didn't answer the phone. Maybe she could still salvage the situation. She pressed the button and answered.

Star said, "Hey Mom!"

"Hello, Star. I'm just checking in on you. I hear you've been dealing with Toffee, is that correct?"

"Oh, um... Yeah. Toffee tried to steal my wand."

"Right. But don't worry about him. He's in the dungeon, being interrogated. Also, you look _awful_. Have you not been sleeping lately?"

Star froze in place. She thought, _"Oh no. Oh no. No. Toffee told her. He told her about the green portal man._ "

Moon continued, "Star, I'd just like to see the Wand. Just to make sure Toffee didn't _do anything_ to it while you were there."

Star said, "Oh... Ok. Be right back." Then she hung up. She fell onto her back, and stared at the ceiling. Eventually, she noticed that the room was grey again.

Bill popped into view and said, "Hi there, Heart-Cheeks! You ready to let me get your wand?"

"Yeah. But how quick can you do it?" said Star.

"It'll only take less than a minute!" said Bill.

"Ok, then. Let's do it!" said Star.

"That's the spirit!" said Bill, as he held out a hand covered in blue flame.

Star began to reach out to his hand, but she hesitated in order to ask one last question: "Wait, when you're possessing me, where am I gonna be?"

"Don't worry about that, I'll just put you into a deep sleep, and then I'll send you to the Magic Dimension. Then I'll bring you back once I'm done." Bill's face showed her a strange dimension she'd never seen before. It looked mostly yellow, with a few pink crystals here and there.

"The _Magic Dimension_? Sounds neat!" said Star.

"Trust me, it will be!" said Bill, as he took her hand and entered her body.

"Star! Star, are you okay? I think you fainted," said Marco, as he prodded Star on the shoulder. Star's heart cheeks turned into yellow equilateral triangles, pointed upward. As she opened her eyes, they seemed to glow yellow. "Also, your eyes are yellow and your hearts are triangles."

Star gave Marco a stink-face for a second, but then put on a big smile and said, "Hi, Marco! You know where my dimensional scissors are, right?"

"Glossaryk took them. He's hiding inside the book," said Marco.

Then, Star said, " _Really?_ Oh well, let's just give it a few seconds then..." Her eyes darkened, and the marks on her cheeks turned pale as her body slumped against the mirror. Marco was incredibly disturbed by this. He quickly realized that Star was being possessed by Bill Cipher, whoever he was. Just as he was beginning to freak out at the realization, a portal opened right next to him, and Ludo emerged; this too caught him off-guard. He had absolutely no idea what was going on now.

"Here I am!" said Ludo. Then, he noticed that Star and Marco were right there. "WAIT! You two! Was this a trap?"

" _LUDO!_ What are YOU doing here?" said Marco.

"Giving me these! Thank you very much!" said Star, whose face showed a return of the eerie yellow glow it had earlier.

"Wait!" screamed Ludo, as Bill grabbed his bad arm, took his scissors, opened a second portal, and then tossed him inside.

" _What's going on!?_ " said Marco.

"See ya, Karate-Belt!" said Bill, in Star's body. Then, he opened another portal and went through.

"Whaaaaat? What just happened?" siad Marco.

"Hmm?" said Glossaryk,

"Ludo just came in here with the dimensional scissors! And then Star, or Bill, took them, and tossed Ludo into another portal, and then she jumped into another portal! I think she also had yellow triangles on her face instead of hearts!"

"Oh. Oh no..." said Glossaryk grimly.

"What?" said Marco.

"She's actually possessed by Bill Cipher. There's nothing we can do now," said Glossaryk.

"Well, do you know where she went?" said Marco.

"No, I don't. Poor Star, I _tried_ to warn her," said Glossaryk.

"Yeah, but you did say you were _kale_ ," said Marco.

"I didn't say I was _kale_!" said Glossaryk.

"Sorry, that's just the first health food that came to mind..."

"Oh, fair enough."

"So what are we going to do now?"

"There's nothing we _can_ do. With the Wand, Bill's going to terrorize all sorts of people in the Multiverse, and we won't be able to stop him."

"Hi guys! I got my wand back!" shouted Star as she emerged through yet another portal, holding her original wand.

"Star, you did it!" said Marco, "Also, you have hearts on your face!"

"Hmm..." said Glossaryk.

"What? Don't I _usually_ have hearts on my face?" said Star.

"Well, it's just... You were possessed by Bill Cipher, and you had yellow triangles instead of pink hearts on your cheeks," said Marco.

"Ohhhhh... Well, yeah, sorry about that... I went for the _junk food_ instead of the _healthy food_!" said Star.

"You're lucky he didn't _keep_ your body. Do you have any idea what he might have done if he did?" said Glossaryk.

"No clue. Anyway, time to call Mom!" said Star.

Star called her mom. Soon, she appeared on the mirror once more.

"Star? You hung up on me, is everything alright? Do you have the Wand?" said Moon, now sounding a little worried.

"Got it right here!" said Star, as she held up her wand, showing no signs of tampering or damage.

"Oh, thank goodness. It's just that Toffee really had me worried, that's all," said Moon.

"Toffee had us all worried, Queen Moon," said Marco.

"Well, take care then!" said Moon.

"Will do, Mommy!" said Star. Then she hung up.

"So that's it, then? You have the Wand, and your mom's not gonna disown you!" said Marco, now relieved that this harrowing chapter was now over. Glossaryk had returned to his book, so he didn't say anything.

"Yep! And _now_ , it's time to get some _much needed_ sleep! Good night, Marco," said Star, beore she leaped into her bed and faceplanted, then settled on her side.

"Sure. Good night, Star!" said Marco, even though it wasn't even sunset yet.

Eventually, Marco also went to sleep. Once they were both asleep, Glossaryk emerged from the book. He went over to Star, and turned her over. Everything seemed fine. Her cheeks were hearts. Glossaryk wondered if he was just being paranoid. Yet, at the same time, he knew Bill wouldn't just help someone out of the goodness of his heart. He wondered if Bill had placed some sort of spell over Star. Star adjusted herself in her sleep, but no matter how her position changed, her hand stayed near the same spot beneath the blanket. Glossaryk found this to be suspicious, so he lifted the blanket and found a long, black cane. It had a handle near the edge, and its emblem was an upside-down pyramid with claws that held a pale yellow eyeball.

"Oh no..." said Glossaryk. He shot a beam of magic at Star's face, causing it to light up and crackle. As the glow faded, Star's cheeks had the same yellow triangles. Her eyes opened, follwed by her mouth. Off to the side, Glossaryk saw an even greater glow, this one blue. The last thing he saw that night was Star's face grinning smugly at him.


	12. Mister Candle Blows

Star Butterfly and Marco Diaz were sitting in line, waiting for their "futures to be told". Oskar Greason emerged from the counseling office, and said, "Mr. Candle said I'm gonna be a musician!"

Another kid, named Chet, said, "Sweet. I got champion swimmer. I was gonna get dressed, but now I don't need to!" (He was only wearing a speedo that poorly concealed his bulge.)

"Gee, Marco, this guys's gonna be telling my future too, right?" said Star.

Marco said, "Well, not exactly, Star. _Technically_ , what he does is ask you a bunch of questions based on your personality, your skills, and-"

" _BORRR-IIIINNNG!_ You're seriously telling me this guy isn't using some kinda forbidden magic to tell the future?" said Star.

"Star, in our world, you can't predict the future, you can only make a vague guess. Remember the fortune cookie incident?"

"Way to be a buzzkill, Marco!" said Star. Then, it was her turn, so she went into the counselor's office, where Mr. Candle, a man with a ponytail and glasses was waiting for her.

Mr. Candle said, "Star Butterfly, please sit."

Star sat on the chair, then leaned over toward the table with a smug grin and said, "Mr. Candle, please tell me you actually have some kind of magic hidden somewhere in this room! I got all my hopes up that you were some kind of _fortune telller-_ "

"Calm down, Star. I may not be some kind of _fancy magician_ , but don't let that get you down. I can still give you valuable insight into your future."

"All right then, Mr. Valuable Insight, lay it on me!"

"You're a princess, which means your future is set in stone. You're going to be the Queen of Mewni."

" _Wooooow._ You mean I wasted eight minutes waiting in line just to hear _that_? Thanks a lot, Captain Obvious, I had _no ideea_ that I, _Princess Star Butterfly_ was one day going to become a QUEEN!"

"You don't have to be so patronizing. Are you dating anyone?"

Star paused in place for a second. That question threw her for a loop.

"What about that boy you live with, Marco? Got a secret crush on him?" continued Mr. Candle.

"SIR ARE YOU HITTING ON ME?" said Star in a VERY LOUD VOICE.

"What? No, I'm not hitting on you! That would be unprofessional!" said Mr. Candle.

"THEN WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME IF I'M DATING ANYONE?" said Star.

The two of them heard Marco outside the room saying, "Star, is everything all right?"

Star walked over to the door. Mr. Candle tried to protest, but Star opened the door and said, "HEY MARCO!" Marco was a little surprised by the shouting in his face, so he recoiled. "IS IT TRUE THAT IT'S A CUSTOM ON EARTH FOR TEENAGE GIRLS TO TAKE OFF THEIR SHIRTS IN ORDER TO GET THEIR FORTUNES TOLD?"

"What are you talking about? What's going on?" said Mr. Candle, now nervous.

"Star, did he tell you to take off your shirt?" said Marco, now sporting his signature adorable worried face.  
"I didn't say anything of the sort!" said Mr. Candle, but that didn't stop Marco from storming in to confront him.

"What the hell are you trying to do, you creep?" said Marco as he stared karate-chops at Mr. Candle.

"HE ASKED ME IF I WAS DATING ANYONE, MARCO!" shouted Star.

"Star, you don't have to shout," said Marco.

Star pointed at the students that were gathered around at the door and said, "YES I DO, MARCO!"

"I didn't tell her to take her shirt off! She's making that up!" said Mr. Candle.

"Then why'd you ask her if she was dating somebody? That's a really skeevy thing to do!" said Marco.

"I-I was just... I WAS JUST FOLLOWING ORDERS! I'M SORRY I FAILED!"

"Huh? What's going on?" said Marco.

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THAT SOMEONE ORDERED YOU TO _MAKE_ ME TAKE OFF MY _SHIRT_? LIKELY STORY, YOU SKEEZEBALL!" said Star.

"That's really hurting my ears, Star! You got them all watching, so cut it out, okay?" said Marco.

All of a sudden, a flame appeared and swallowed up Mr. Candle.

"Woah check it out, that pedophile guy got sent straight to hell!" shouted a girl with a beanie called Janna Ordonia, who was watching from the door.

"Woah, what was that?" said Star.

"I think... I think that was Tom," said Marco.

"Tom? Who's that?" said Star.

"Tom Lucitor? I mean you should know, he's _your_ ex-boyfriend!" said Marco.

"I have no idea who you're talking about," said Star.

All of a sudden, flames appeared, and Tom Lucitor, a grey-skinned, flame-haired demon with yellow horns and three eyes, emerged from the flames.

"Don't tell me you _forgot_ about me, Star!" said Tom, who was visibly angry.

"Hey, look! The DEVIL just showed up to cover for his PEDOPHILE friend!" said Janna.

"Tom, what's going on here?" said Marco, "Did you hire that guy to try to perv on Star or something?"

"Stay out of this, Marco!" said Tom, as his eyes began to glow, and flames appeared in various places on his body.

"Um, is there some kind of beef here that I'm not aware of? Seriously, what's gotten into you two?" said Star.

Tom turned to Star and said, "What's gotten into _me_? What's gotten into _YOU!?_ Are you trying to pretend that you don't remember me? What's going on, Star?"

"Star, are you trying to make Tom mad on purpose?" said Marco.

"What? No. Maybe I have amnesia. Did you ever consider _that?_ _Huh?_ " said Star, "Look, Tom. I guess I just got hit with some magic that made me forget. How 'bout we go to the _bathroom_ and you can _fill me_ in on the details?"

"Wait, are you suggesting what I _think_ you're suggesting?" said Tom, whose voice was now missing the anger it had before.

"Star, what are you even trying to do?" said Marco.

"Ha! You're just jealous that _I'm_ going to go to the _bathroom_ with Star!" said Tom smugly.

Marco retorted, "What? NO! I'm worried-"

"Look, Marco, I'm gonna be fine, okay? I can handle myself!" said Star.

Marco was utterly speechless.

"Thanks, Marco! You're a _true friend!_ " said Star, as she quickly and sloppily grabbed Tom's hand.

"AND THAT'S ALL YOU'LL EVER BE! HAHAHA!" said Tom, as he walked out with Star.

"Oh no! The Devil seduced Star and now they're gonna go fuck in the bathroom! Guess that means Marco is still single! Not like that's a bad thing, necessarily!" said Janna, as Star and Tom walked past her.

"Shut up, Janna!" said Marco. He followed Star and Tom at a distance. He was confused by Star's behavior, but he figured that whatever she was up to, she'd come out okay. After all, she'd only recently solved her missing-wand-problem, and that was _far_ more serious than getting caught having sex with some demon prince in a school that had long since turned a blind eye to all of her incredibly disruptive, even illegal, shenanigans.

Meanwhile, in the boys' bathroom...

"So, what's up with you? You've been acting really strange lately!" said Tom.

"What's up with ME? What's up with YOU, Tom? Why are you still trying to get with me after we broke up?" said Star.

"I... I just never got over you, okay, Star? Please, just give me another chance!" said Tom.

Star whipped out a pair of dimensional scissors, and cut open a small portal mid-air. She pulled out a long, black cane with a pyramid that was holding an eyeball with four claws.

"Umm, Star, what are you doing?" said Tom.

"You know, your magic is really a pain in the ass, Tom. So how 'bout I give you a little taste of life without it? MAGICAL LEAKAGE PUNCTURE!" said Star, as she pointed her cane at Tom and fired a beam that seemed to pierce him.

"Star, what did you do to me?" said Tom, feeling nauseous. When he looked down, he saw yellow goop splurting rapidly out of his body and onto the floor. The stream went down to a trickle and then petered out. Tom tried to turn on his flames, or teleport home, but it didn't work. "Star, what did you DO TO ME?" shouted Tom desperately.

"I drained your magic, that's all! Don't worry, you'll be fine without it!" said Star.

"But how am I supposed to get back home? Star, this is messed up!" said Tom.

"OOOOH! This really is, messed up, isn't it? It's almost as messed up as hiring a weirdo to ask teenaged girls who they're dating so you can control them!" said Star.

"I... That was..."

"'Creepy', 'Pathetic', 'Deranged', take your pick, you disgusting piece of shit!"

"I'm sorry, Star!"

"No, Tom, you're not 'sorry', you're scared. If you were REALLY sorry, you'd have apologized immediately after your stupid plan blew up in your face!"

"But... Marco was there, and..."

"Wow, how does someone end up this pathetic? I know what I'm gonna do next, do you?"

"No, I dont."

"Ok, take a look at these boots." Star showed her boots to Tom. "You know why they have little horns on them?"

"What, because your boots are monsters? I don't get it," said Tom.

Star butterfly swung her foot forward and kicked Tom square in the nuts.

" _Now_ you get it, Tom!" said Star gleefully.

Tom moaned and stumbled backward as he recoiled in pain. "Oww... Star..."

Star kicked him again, which threw Tom off balance and sent him backwards onto a urinal, where he sat for half a second before he realized he was sitting on a urinal. Tom almost slipped on the splattered and spilled urine of hundreds of high school boys, but he regained his balace. Once he was firmly on his feet, Star kicked him again.

"How long are you gonna keep doing this, Star?" moaned Tom.

"Until I get _bored,_ Tom," answered Star.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry Star..." moaned Tom.

Meanwhile, Ferguson O'Durguson had just finished depositing his Ferguson-Turds into the toilet when those two magical teenagers came in, bringing their stupid relationship drama. It made him mildly annoyed at first as he wiped his fat ass, but then, once Star became more violent and the boy she was with yelped in pain, he started to feel worried (Luckily, though, he had just defecated and urinated in the most convenient place in the entire school, so he couldn't have soiled himself afterward no matter what they did.) As Ferguson exited the toilet, he saw Star pressing Tom's face against the wet floor, next to a rapidly dissipating glowing puddle of yellow liquid. He tried to sneak behind Star and leave the bathroom, but Star said, "Aren't you gonna wash your hands?"

Ferguson's heart skipped a beat, but then continued to beat in earnest when Star turned around and pointed her cane (glowing with blue flame) at him. "You're not a disgusting person, are you?"

"Umm, no, Star! No, I'm not!" said Ferguson, as he walked up to the sink, washed his hands, then took a paper towel, dried them, and finally ran out of the bathroom as if he was being chased by hellhounds.

"Well then, I suppose my work here is done!" said Star, beore leaving immediately through a scissor-portal.

Marco Diaz was left feeling confused about what had happened between Star and Tom. Word quickly spread around the school about how she gave him a humiliating beating in the bathroom and caused him to piss himself. Tom was quickly sent to the nurse's office, where he complained about getting repeatedly kicked in the nuts. Because Tom wasn't a student, and was disrupting school with his very presence, nobody decided to blame Star. After all, she was merely defending herself from a creepy stalker. Her actions were justified, after all. On the other hand, they had Tom arrested for disturbing the peace and trespassing, and since he had no magic, he was unable to prevent this.

Still, Star was missing, and Marco failed to find her when he searched the school. He wondered for a second if she was being possessed by that yellow-eye demon, Bill Cipher, but he realized that it was unlikely, since Star had yellow triangles on her cheeks and her eyes glowed yellow when she was possessed by him. Besides, Star acting abnormally _was_ normal. After the day was over, Marco went home and put Star out of his mind. He resolved to focus on anything _other_ than her magical bullshit that afternoon.

Meanwhile, on Mewni...

Queen Moon Butterfly was sitting in her office, filling out her royal paperwork when her daughter, Star, abruptly opened the door and shouted, "MOM!"

Moon jumped in her seat, and immediately bristled at the disturbance. " _What are you doing here_ , Star?"

"Well, Mom... Care to explain to me what THIS was doing inside my wand?" said Star as she tossed Toffe's finger onto the desk.

Moon's attention was immediately drawn away from her work. Seeing Toffee's finger made her feel uneasy. She felt a sense of regret for not having taken out Toffee, but reassured herself that what she did back then was the best possible solution. Moon said, "Star, I didn't know that the finger was in the wand... But what I _do_ know is that there's nothing to worry about now. Toffee has been dealt with."

"No, Mom," said Star with a serious look on her face, "Marco almost _died_. You need to tell me _everything_ about Toffee."

"Star, it's not your place to-" said Moon.

"NO. It IS my place. You didn't take care of Toffee, and he _almost killed my friend._ I thought I wasn't supposed to be cleaning up _your_ messes until _I_ became Queen," said Star.

Moon felt overcome with regret as she saw the condemnation in her daughter's eyes. She knew her daughter was going to be Queen someday. She knew she had to be honest with her. She eventually thought to herself, _"It's better if she knows now, and has time to absorb the information. After all, what would I have given in order to have that chance?"_ Moon said, "Very well, then, Star. I'll tell you about me and Toffee."

"Thank you, Mom," said Star.

"Take a seat," said Moon. Star sat down on the chair in front of her mother's desk. "I was your age when it happened. Toffee had just killed your grandmother... I didn't know what to do, so I spoke to Eclipsa."

"Woah, Eclipsa? You mean 'Queen of Darkness' Eclipsa? 'Monster-Lover' Eclipsa? 'Umbrella Wand' Eclipsa?" said Star.

"Yes," said Moon.

"Wow, I thought she was dead. Mom, did you do _necromancy_?"

"No, Star. Eclipsa's alive, and I made a deal with her..."

"REEEALLLY..."

"My mother was killed by Toffee and his army in an ambush under the pretense of signing a peace treaty. Immediately afterward, I had to attend a meeting in which I had to decide whether to sign the treaty or wage war against Toffee's army. Everyone was trying to get me to decide one way or the other, except for River, who said it should be up to me."

"What did you decide?"

"At first, I decided that I would decide in the morning. I was young, so I said 'decision' a lot when I was making the decision-"

"You're still doing that."

"Right! Well... After the meeting, River apologized for speaking out of turn, and he gave me an 'Apology Meat'. Then, I went to my room, where Glossaryk was mourning the loss of my mother. Then, when he was done speaking to me, the book turned to the page where Eclipsa's spells were located. It was then that I decided to seek out Eclipsa's help."

"How'd you do that?"

"I had Rhombulus open her crystal. The first thing she asked me for was a candy bar from the vending machine. Then, she told me that only the power of a magical contract would be strong enough to kill an immortal being like Toffee." Moon took off her glove, revealing dark purple marks on her hands.

"Woah."

"Then, she told me the spell, and we made the contract. Upon Toffee's death, Eclipsa will be freed from her crystal prison. But I didn't kill Toffee. Instead, I challenged him in front of his army, and when I cast the spell meant to kill him, I fired it at his finger instead of his heart. It was enough to strike fear into the heart of his army, and they fled. From then on, I resolved to seek out and scatter the remnants of the Monster army."

"What was the spell, though?"

"Why do you want to know, Star?"

"Well... Just in case another immortal reptile goes and does something like Toffee tried."

"I don't think it will work without a magical contract. But if you want to know, I'll tell you." Moon told Star the spell.

"Thanks, Mommy! It's a relief. And don't worry about Toffee, I won't be killing him. Wouldn't wanna release Eclipsa, right?" said Star.

"Yes," said Moon.

Star hugged Moon, then left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next Chapter: "The Morturian Mabeldate" - Morty confronts the President!


	13. The Morturian Mabeldate

Mabel picked up her multi-dimensional phone and dialed Morty. When the call connected, and she heard the ambient sound from his room, she cheerfully said, "Hey Morty!"

"Hey, Mabel," said Morty.

"You ready for our date?" said Mabel.

"Yeah. It's in Gravity Falls, right?"

"Yeah."

"Good thing your grandpa gave us those portal scissors, right?"

"Yep."

"And also this phone that I'm calling you with!"

"Yeah, Rick... He sure is a lot. _Does_ a lot, I mean."

"Well, I'm ready when you are."

"With _your_ scissors, right?"

"Yeah, you haven't been to Gravity Falls yet, so I guess your scissors aren't gonna work. _Buuut_ , I think I can make a portal to right outside your house. How's that sound bae?"

"Yeah, that'll work."

"All right, get ready," said Mabel, as she tore open a portal to the Smith household lawn.

"Hey!" said Mabel, as Morty walked through.

"Hey," said Morty, as he walked up to Mabel and hugged her.

Mabel grinned sweetly and said, "Still wearing that sweater I gave you, I see!"

"You just gave it to me yesterday, so yeah," said Morty.

"So, what're we gonna do on our date?" said Mabel.

"Um... I thought you knew what we were going to do? I mean, you _are_ the one who asked me out," said Morty.

"Oh yeah..." said Mabel. Then, the two of them looked at each other in awkward silence.

"Let's just walk around the town, or something. Show me everthing there is to see in Gravity Falls!" said Morty.

"Great idea, Babe!" said Mabel, "And now, I don't have to come up with anything!"

"You still have to explain all the stuff to me, though," said Morty.

"Oh, you're right. RATS..." said Mabel.

* * *

 

Cue Gravity Falls Theme

* * *

 

"All right, everyone! The show you all drove hundreds of miles and almost peed your pants to see is about to begin! The (criminally underrated) Mystery Shack Tour!" said Stanley Pines, wearing his signature suit and standing in front of the authentically rural wooden building.

Stanley looked at the crowd, so as to better read them and think of some witty one-liners to say along the tour. Then, he noticed a familiar redhead, and pointed at her.

"You'll have to excuse me for a sec. You. Come with me," said Stan, singling out Summer.

"Okay..." said Summer, as she walked into the other room with him, as the other tourists mumbled among each other.

"What are _you_ doing here?" asked Stan.

"What do you mean, _'What am I doing here?'_ I'm here for the tour, just like everyone else!" said Summer.

"Did Rick send you here to screw with me?" said Stan curtly.

"Wow. I love how you just assume from my presence here that Rick's trying to screw with you." Summer gave Stan an almost-smug-but-also-unamused look with her face.

"Well, what am I _supposed_ to think? I mean, you _know_ the stuff in here's fake, so why else would you come here, if not to screw with me?" said Stan.

"Do you _really_ wanna know?" said Summer.

"It wouldn't hurt," said Stan.

"Are you _sure_ you wanna know?" said Summer, now grinning in an unambiguously smug, coy manner.

"Quit screwing with me," said Stan.

"Ok, ok... I'm here for nostalgia," said Summer, now without any of the traditional teenage sass she had initially brought to the conversation.

"Nostalgia?" said Stan, in mild confusion.

"Yeah. I used to work for a guy like you in a shop like this, except he was _the devil_. Like, _literally_. So a place like this lets me sorta relive that experience," explained Summer.

"If you say so. Just don't screw up my presentation, okay?" said Stan as he shot a narrow-eyed glare at her.

"Whatever." Summer walked into the other room and rejoined the crowd.

* * *

 

"That's the eighth-and-a-half President of the United States, Quentin Trembly! He's like, two hundred!" said Mabel, referring to the man with a nineteenth-century outfit and hairstyle that had just approached the couple as they walked through the forest.

"Ooh, sounds cool! So, were you frozen in a time capsule or something?" said Morty to the President.

"I sealed myself in a cube of Peanut Brittle!" said Quentin.

"That makes sense. Hello Mr. President, I'm Morty Smith." Morty shook the President's hand and turned to Mabel. "So you're also friends with a President, then?"

"Yep! He made me a congresswoman!" said Mabel.

"Indeed!" said Quentin.

"Wait, but Presidents can't do that," said Morty.

"What're you talking about?" said Mabel.

"Presidents don't appoint congresspeople, they're elected by the states," said Morty.

"Maybe in _your_ dimension, they are!" said Quentin.

"What do you mean, 'my dimension'?" said Morty.

"I can tell that you're not from here, it's the way you smell. You _smell_ like another dimension!" said Quentin.

"Okay, well damn. I mean, you're not wrong. But damn... Spot on," said Morty.

" _Told you_ he's the real deal!" said Mabel.

* * *

 

In the Mystery Shack, a blue portal appeared in front of a wall. Dipper walked out of it wearing a sullen look on his face. Once he saw Wendy, he said, "Hey, Wendy..."

Wendy turned to Dipper. "Dipper! What's up? You look pretty down."

Dipper said, "Oh right... Well, I just finished analyzing _every single_ anomaly in Gravity Falls."

Wendy said, "Seriously? Congrats!"

"Umm... Sure..." said Dipper.

Wendy realized that something was wrong. "You don't seem that excited?"

"I didn't discover anything. I just went through this journal that Rick gave me, and used these portal-scissors to get to all of the places. It only took about four hours to see every last thing."

"Oh... So Rick ruined it for you, huh?"

"Yeah... It's weird, isn't it? I wanted to find out every last mysterious thing about this town so badly when I first came here, but... not like this."

"Hey dude, don't let that get you down. You can still hang out with me and my friends once my shift is over! Plus, there's no limit to the stuff we can get away with now that we have these scissors!"

"Heh, you're right."

Then, Soos walked into the room and cheerfully said, "Hey dudes!"

"Hey, Soos!" said Wendy.

"What'cha guys talking about?" said Soos.

Wendy said, "Dipper's down 'cuz Rick spoiled Gravity Falls for him."

Soos said, "Wow dude, that's harsh. But hey, you still have your friends, y'know?"

That gave Dipper a little boost in his mood. "Right. So, what do ya wanna do after work, Wendy?"

Wendy said, "I dunno right now, but hey, you're a genius, maybe _you_ can come up with something this time!"

Dipper said, "Oh. Right. Dipper Pines, coming up with stuff for the gang to do!"

"Good luck, dude!" said Soos.

* * *

 

"That's called 'Stockholm Syndrome', Mabel! You kidnapped those singers and they had no choice but to fall in love with you!" said Morty, referring to Sev'ral Timez, who had just serenaded them with a cheesy love song.

"But I _did_ eventually let them go, Morty, okay?" said Mabel.

Morty said, "You know, you're really lucky that none of the stuff you did ever came back to bite you in the ass. Like how when I tried to use that love potion to-"

Mabel interrupted Morty with an annoyed exasperation in her voice: "I know, I know, Morty! Like how when you used that love potion, but the whole world fell in love with you and then Rick turned them all into Cronenbergs and then you had to bury your own corpse! Like you haven't already told me about it a _bajillion times!_ "

"Three times, Mabel. I told you three times, and that's because you kept congratulating yourself for forcing those two emos together!" said Morty, referring to the enchanted Robbie and Tambry.

"They're happy, Morty! Isn't that all that matters?" said Mabel.

Morty (now waving his arms around in a quasi-Italian fashion) said, "Mabel, you can't force people to be happy, there's a book about it. Farenheit 451, I think... Wait, no, it wasn't that. Brave New World! You seem like the kinda person who would make a Brave New World."

Mabel put her hand on her hip, and said,"Okay, first of all, I dunno what you're talking about. I mean, I've heard about 'Brave New World' before, but I dunno what it means."

" _It means a world where people are_ forced _to be happy, Mabel!_ " said Morty.

"Okay, okay! Jeeesh!" said Mabel. Morty took a few deep breaths. After a few seconds, Mabel said, "All right. Change of subject, then?"

Morty said, "Sure... Let's just look around in the forest! See if we can find more interesting shit."

"That's an agreeable proposition!" said Mabel, "Here! Talk about interesting _shit_!" Mabel pointed to a pile of rainbow-colored feces.

Suddenly, a little man's voice could be heard, "Yo Mabel, who's the lucky guy?"

As Mabel and Morty looked around, another voice said, "Is he your thirteenth boyfriend or your fourteenth?"

Immediately, Mabel realized who the voices belonged to, but Morty didn't. After looking around for a bit, he noticed several gnomes situated in different places. Morty said, "Who're these guys?"

"We were her first boyfriend!" said one of the gnomes.

"Huh?" said Morty.

Mabel said, "HA! Nice try. You guys weren't _really_ my boyfriend! I just thought you were a vampire but you were actually a bunch of gnomes in a trenchcoat!"

One of the gnomes then said, "Ya know, you can still ditch that loser and be our queen again!"

"Umm... What?" said Morty.

Mabel explained, "Once I found out that they were actually a bunch of gnomes, they tried to kidnap me and marry me and make me their queen. That was the first adventure Dipper and I ever had together in Gravity Falls!"

"Really?" At first Morty was merely surprised, but then, Morty remembered one of his own adventures in a strange medieval fantasy land... "Wait..."

"What?" said a gnome.

"Are there any girl gnomes?" asked Morty.

"Umm... No?" said the gnome, pointing to the other gnomes.

"I see..." said Morty, his face filled with cold contempt, his arms twitching despite his best attempts to control himself.

"What's wrong, Morty?" asked Mabel.

Morty pulled out a laser gun and started shooting at the gnomes. They panicked, running in many different directions as lasers flew at them. The splattered bodies of the gnomes painted the forest in colorful little stains, accompanied by the even more colorful plasma shots that Morty sent out. He said, "Let's get out of here, Mabel!"

As Morty grabbed her arm and took her away, Mabel said, "Woah! WAOH! Morty! Why you ackin' so cray-cray? Chill out!"

When the relatively large Gnome-mech looked like it was about to over take them, Morty took out a grenade and tossed it into the center. Then, it exploded, releasing a big splash of acid that dissolved the gnomes in the center. The two of them continued to run. As they did this, Morty said, "Why? Why should I chill out? These guys tried to gangrape you! They wanted to tie you up and impregnate you with multiple gnomes inside your uterus, Mabel! That's what they mean by 'Make you their queen'!"

"Where the hell did you get _that_ from?" said Mabel, as Morty opened a scissor portal that they went into.

Once they were in the clear, Morty said, "Uh, DUHH! They have no females, Mabel! That's why they kidnap little girls! They reproduce by raping little girls that they lure into the forest! Because they can't put up a fight! They were gonna impregnate you with little gnomes, okay? If they got what they wanted you'd be tied up and gangraped! And-and then you'd get pregnant and little gnome-babies would start coming outta your vagina until you got rescued! That's totally messed up!"

"WOW..." That... _vivid_ description shook Mabel to the core. She felt heat across her entire torso and face. She was acutely aware of her heartbeat, which had been raised by their escape. Once Mabel collected herself, she said, "Ugh, Morty, why do you have to make everything so _depressing_ and _gross_? With all the _implications_ and stuff? Why can't you just have _fun_ and stop _thinking_ too much?"

Morty took a few seconds to think about that. He said, "That's exactly what Rick says: 'Don't think about it!' But once you've seen enough fucked up shit, Mabel, it kinda becomes impossible to NOT think about it, okay? I mean, yeah, I can try to ignore it, but if I end up having to ignore every single thing, then what the hell even am I anymore?"

"I... I dunno..." said Mabel.

"Exactly," said Morty.

"By the way, what's up with your family and shooting stuff up to try and protect me?" said Mabel.

"It's a learned behavior..." said Morty.

The two kids continued their date. Morty placed his hand on Mabel's shoulder, and gave her a light squeeze. That made her smile.

* * *

 

As Stan led the tour group through the Mystery Shack, he came to yet another creature exhibit: "And here, you can see the dragon-winged platypus-unicorn! A very dangerous creature that stalks the twilight and harasses young couples who're trying to watch the sunset!"  
"Woah!" said a dark-skinned French tourist.

"Neat!" said a light-skinned African tourist.

"So wait... How do these things survive then?" said Summer Smith.

"What... are you talking about?" said Stan. (His flow was broken and that disturbed him.)  
Summer continued, "Like, how does a creature have several different body parts from several different animals live without its immune system attacking the foreign cells and causing them to atrophy?"

Stan stammered and paused for a second before saying, "It's... magic! There's a magic spell that keeps the immune system from attacking the rest of the body!"

"Wow, that's amazing!" said Summer.

Stan reasserted control and reclaimed his flow. "Anyway, if you thought _that_ was extraordinary, then wait 'till ya see what's in the _next room_!" Once all the tourists went ahead of him to the next room, Stan grabbed Summer, pulled her to the side, and said under his breath, "Did ya really have to do that?"

Summer said, "Sorry, couldn't help myself! Besides, it kept you on your toes, didn't it? You did well!"

Stan said, "Bite me."

* * *

 

"All right, so here's what we're gonna do: We're gonna pour a ton of beer onto the Nathaniel Northwest statue," said Dipper.

"Sounds reckless and _juvenile_. Nice. Go on," said Wendy.

Dipper explained the process. "I've got the locations of over twenty breweries across the country, and their GPS coordinates. I've tested these portal scissors, and they can take you to new locations if you imagine their GPS coordinates. Then, once we get in, we imagine the insides of the gigantic storage containers with beer, and then, once we get back, that's when the fun begins: We take the scissors, and make little incisions while thinking of the insides of the beer storage units, _specifically in spots about two-thirds of the way up so that the breweries don't raise too much of a stink about it_ , and then _voilâ!_ The stream'll come out and cover old Nathaniel in his favorite substance!"

The two mischievous kids formed an inconspicuous (yet abnormally tall) trenchcoat-adult, then went on their way into a series of portals across the country. Once the legwork of the plan was complete, Dipper and Wendy gathered in front of the statue. "And here we go!" said Dipper. He opened a portal to the head of the statue, and then jumped onto it. "Make sure the portals aren't too wide, otherwise it'll run out right away."

"Got it!" said Wendy, as she went near the base and opened the first inch-wide portal next to the leg of the statue. She yelped when beer sprayed her in the face.

"What's wrong?" said Dipper.

"I thought it was only gonna come out one side, not both of them!" said Wendy.

"Oh, dang, forgot about that. I guess using the 'Wormhole' videogame series as a reference isn't that great, since all _those_ portals were always on walls. Sorry!" said Dipper.

"Nah, it's cool. Not like this is the first time I've been sprayed with beer!" said Wendy.

"Right," said Dipper. At first, he felt a little weird about the idea of Wendy being sprayed with beer, but then he realized that he was in the midst of committing a crime, after commiting over twenty crimes already, and that he had been basically spending the entire summer committing crimes of one kind or the other, courtesy of Grunkle Stan. So Dipper let it go, and continued to generate portals on Nathaniel, careful to avoid being sprayed himself. He messed around a little with the portals, making portals so that he could reach every different spot on the statue's body.

"All right, I think we have enough!" said Dipper, before making one last portal to the sidewalk nearby and jumping through. When Wendy walked up to meet him, he said, "You think we did a good job?"

Wendy said, "Totally! This was a great idea! These scissors really are overpowered!" Then, they high-fived.

* * *

 

"Thanks a lot Mabel, that was a nice date!" said Morty, since although the two of them had an argument over the nature of Mabel's abduction by gnomes, they still managed to enjoy the rest of the town.

"Wait, you mean it's over now?" said Mabel, confusingly disappointed.

"Well, I guess? You're not as hyper now, so I'm guessing you're ready to conclude things, right?" said Morty.

"Are you kidding me, Morty? There's so much more we could do today!" said Mabel, whose effort to inject more hyperactivity was noticeable.

"Okay, but... _I'm_ starting to get tired though..." said Morty.

"Ohhh, I see. Very well then! Now that the date's over... Hmm, remind me again what usually happens when a date's done?" said Mabel playfully.

"You tell me, Mabel, _you're_ the dating expert here."

"But you said you've dated more people than I did."

"Yeah, but most of those were when I was missing half of my personality."

"If you say so! _Anyway_ , according to all the articles I read, and all the TV and movies I've seen, usually a date ends with a _kiss_!"

"Okay, cool. We can make out."

Morty grabbed Mabel's head and smooshed his face against hers, leaving behind a warm, wet, sloppy kiss.

"YOWZA! You're really into the whole 'kissing' thing, aren'tcha, Morty?"

"Mm-hmm." Morty continued making out onto Mabel's face.

"Mmmmm..." said Mabel, as she relished in the feeling of Morty caressing her face. Of Morty stroking her hair. Of Morty moving his lips back and forth on hers. Of Morty running his hand along her leg... Of Morty reaching his hand under her shirt and up her back- "Wait, wait, hold on... Are you... Are you trying to... To do the... um..."

"Hmm?" said Morty as he paused the make-out session.

"You know..." said Mabel, as she sheepishly grinned and looked to the side, while still narrowing her eyes sort-of-seductively.

"Oh, you mean 'have sex with you'?" said Morty bluntly.

Mabel was silent as she flinched backward, feeling a knot in her chest.

"Oh jeez! I'm sorry, Mabel! I'm sorry if it came across that way. I just think you're really cute, and it feels really nice to kiss you, and caress you, and stuff. But if you wanna set a limit, I'm cool with that!" said Morty, in a nervous attempt to assauge his girlfriend's worries, "I mean, I can just jerk off to get out all the sexual stuff that goes through my head. It's almost as good as the real thing, and heck, I think Rick might have a spare virtual reality jerk-off machine, and this time it's definitely not gonna get pregnant and make a huge alien hybrid that's gonna grow up to resent me. So yeah, if you're not ready to go all the way yet, I get it. I promise I won't stick my dick in you."

"Umm... Yeah..." said Mabel with a completely red, wide-eyed face that was frozen in shock.

"Oh, okay..." said Morty, almost on impulse.

Meanwhile, near the Nathaniel Northwest statue...

Dipper and Wendy leaned against the wall of a nearby building, observing the reactions of the townsfolk to their handiwork. Dipper was taking sips from his Pitt Cola, while Wendy had an actual pint glass filled with several different brands of stolen portal-beer.

* * *

 

Nate and Lee walked up to Dipper and Wendy. Nate said, "Dude! Dip, Wendy: Tambry texted us and said someone turned the Northwest statue into a BEER FOUNTAIN!"

Lee said, "Dude, was that you guys?"

"Yes, yes it was!" said Dipper.

"Yeah, you guys, it was totally wack how we did it, too!" said Wendy, "We, like took these portals, then like, we did PSYCHIC PROJECTION into a bunch of BEER BREWERIES! YOu shoulda been there!" said Wendy, whose face red, but not from shame.

"Dude, where's Thompson?" said Lee.

"DID SOMEONE SAY, WHERE'S THOMPSON!?" shouted Thompson at the top of his lungs.

"Dude, volume," said Nate.

"Yeah, seriously," said Dipper.

"Yo, THOMPHSON! You know what to do, man!" said Wendy, pointing to the beer-drenched statue of Nathaniel Northwest.

Thompson whooped and ran over to the magically-improvised beer-fountain and began running his mouth directly along its various contours. Then, he found the area where beer seemed to be coming down the most vigorously and then placed his mouth in the most opportune position to commence a non-stop chug (Which just so happened to be situated right in between the Nathaniel statue's legs).

"FUCK YEAH!" shouted the 100% red teenager.

Nate and Lee shouted "THOMPSON! THOMPSON! THOMPSON!" THen, Dipper and Wendy joined them, "THOMPSON! THOMPSON! THOMPSON!"

Thompson continued to chug until he got so shit-faced that he stumbled backwards, and gave a weak, slippery "WOOO-YEah-HAAA!" Then, he continued to stumble around like an absolute pissant.

Then, Quentin Trembley walked up to the area to see what all the commotion was about. Indeed, there were many people gathered around the statue now, eager to fill their cups with free beer.

"HAHA! Yes! The entire town's gathered around! Everyone's gonna associate 'alcohol' with 'Nathaniel Northwest'! It's perfect!" said Dipper, before finishing his can of Pitt Cola.

"Hey, yeahh, go Dipper! Stick it to the man!" said Wendy, as she sloppily but forcefully put her arm on Dipper's shoulder, causing him to stumble a little and start to choke, as he had angled the can upwards (so as to more easily get that last bit of Pitt Cola and not have it snag on that little part where the can's top is at a bit of an angle, and a bit of liquid always collects there, but doesn't go past it unless you put it at the very same steep angle that Dipper had it at, which is why plastic bottles are an objectively superior medium for consumption compared to aluminum cans, which also give you Alzheimers if you use them your whole life, not to mention the fact that they can't be closed once you open them. Which really begs the question as to why those things even still exist in the 21st century.)

Dipper coughed for a little bit, and Wendy said, "Dude, you allright?" when none other than the three Northwests showed up on the scene. It was only then that Dipper realized that Pacifica might get in trouble on his behalf if Preston knew he was the one responsible for the beer-fountain.

"Hey! It's the Northwests!" said Pizza-guy. Immediately, Dipper became silent and firm in his alertness.

"Are you the ones who turned this statue into a free-beer-fountain?" said Lazy Susan.

Immediately, Preston Northwest bristled in indignant fury.

"If this _was_ your thing, then THANK YOU! This is one of the best afternoons we've had this summer, at least since that weird earthquake!" said Sherrif Blubs.

"This was NOT my doing," said Preston.

"But Dad, I think they like it! And they like you because they think you did it!" said Pacifica, being the Devil's Advocate.

To that, Preston reflexively felt disgust, though a part of him did realize the truth in what his daughter was saying.

As Dipper looked on, he noticed Preston in his anger, and resolved to avoid a direct confrontation. He began walking away.

"Where you goin'?" said Wendy.

"I... Um, I'm gonna go tell Grunkle Stan and Soos to come see this!" said Dipper.

"Cool!" said Wendy. Dipper then walked along the edge of the crowd that had gathered for free beer in order to make his escape.

Preston then noticed Quentin Trembley, who was giddily gathering some beer in a pint glass along with several people. He walked up to him. "YOU! Was this your doing?" said Preston.

"Me? Oh ho ho, no. What ever gave you _that_ idea?" said Quentin.

Preston said, "Because. _You're_ the one that my daugter told me was the ' _real_ ' founder of Gravity Falls, and not MY ancestor, Nathaniel Northwest! You... Must have done _this_ out of some sort of grudge or something!"

"OH! He took credit for that? Good ol' Natey, he always was a prankster, he was! And I could _harldy_ hold a grudge against someone like him!" said Quentin.

"EX _CUSE ME?_ " said Preston, unable to process his own floofy high-class outrage.

"Tell me! Did my old pal ever complete his quest to become a wizard?" said Quentin.

"Old... pal?" said Preston.

Dipper paused, and hid behind Toby Determined and Sheriff Blubs to hear more.

Quentin continued, "Yes! Nathaniel Northwest was my closest chum! My best mate! My number one drinking companion! Did he ever become a wizard like he said he would?"

"Umm... Yes. Yes, he did," said Preston, realizing that this man could possibly be useful as a connection.

"Oh, that's wonderful!" said Quentin.

Dipper walked away in frustration. Here he was, thinking that pouring an unlimited amount of beer onto Nathaniel Northwest's statue would get everyone in Gravity Falls to think of him as a degenerate alcoholic, only for it to backfire and become something that _boosted_ his popularity. Not only that, he might have gotten Pacifica into deeper trouble with her dad. And to hear that Quentin Trembley, the very man wronged by Nathaniel was, in fact, Nathaniel Northwest's _best friend?_ It all threw him off.

* * *

 

Mabel received a text message from Tambry about some sort of "Beer Fountain", which spurred her interest. She turned to Morty, and said, "Well, see ya soon, I guess."

"Yeah. We can do some stuff together, and then some PG-13-rated romantic stuff afterwards," said Morty as he kissed Mabel.

"Yeah, PG-13! Hahaha..." Mabel was still a little dizzy and blushing madly from the overwhelming feelings Morty had stirred up within her.

"See ya, Mabel!" said Morty, as he cut a portal to his house and went through.

By the time Mabel could say "See ya, Morty!", he was already on the other side, and the portal then disappeared.

Mabel walked over to the scene which Dipper and Wendy had apparently created. Dozens of people were gathered around the Nathaniel Northwest statue, pint glasses in hand, waddling around like a bunch of three-year-olds (that said things no three year old had ANY business saying). Mabel also saw Pacifica with her parents, who were chatting up Quentin Trembley of all people. Once their gazes met each others', Mabel gave Pacifica a little wave, which she returned.

Mabel walked up to Wendy, whose face was as red as her hair. "Woah, did you get sunburned or something?"

"Oh no! Did I? Dangit! That's gonna suck to wake up to tomorrow!" said Wendy.

"Wendy... Can I ask you for some advice?" said Mabel.

"I dunno, CAN YOU?" said Wendy.

" _May I_ ask you some advice, you silly goose?" said Mabel.

"You CAN! Ask away. What kinda advice is it?"

" _Boyfriend_ advice..." said Mabel.

"UH- _ohhhh!_ " said Wendy.

"Wendy, not so loud! I don't want other people to hear!" said Mabel.

"Ok, you wanna make it private. I get that. Let's go over to some other place," said Wendy. Then she beckoned Mabel to follow her to a spot in a field where nobody else was.

"Allright, Mabell, lay it on me! Whaddya need help with?" asked Wendy.

"Well... Morty and I are doing pretty good, but we also had our first argument," said Mabel.

"Didn't you just start dating him, like _last night?_ Damn, girl, you're really goin' places, huh?"

"I know. And..."

"And whaaat?"

"And well, I think he wants to have... _sex_ with me..."

Wendy tensed up and said, "WOAH! You need to SHUT HIM DOWN, okay? DO _NOT_ let him pressure you into having sex with him!"

"He's not! He's not pressuring me, he said he'll jack off on his own, and that I don't need to feel uncomfortable, and stuff like that, until I'm ready!" said Mabel.

Wendy immediately started cracking up at the words "Jack off", but once she regained her composure somewhat, she said, "Yeah, dude, you're like, too young for that sorta stuff. But don't worry, once you get old enough, in like a year or two, it's gonna be the BOMB!"

Mabel gasped. "You've done it!?"

Wendy responded, "Hell yeah. I meean, at first, it's not that great, but once you two get used to each other, that's when the MAGIC happens!"

"Woah... Magic," said Mabel, as she looked up to the sky and saw the magical orange sunset.

"Yeah, but like, don't go doing it right now, you're obviously too young. And like, your _'Mabel'_ charm comes from the fact that you refuse to grow up! So take your time, enjoy being a kid, before it all gets torn away from you by the cruel, uncaring universe!" said Wendy.

"Gee, thanks, Wendy! See ya later!" said Mabel.

"See ya!" said Wendy, as she lay down on the grass.

Mabel walked home, still feeling dizzy, nervous, and fuzzy, despite being one of the few people in Gravity Falls who hadn't yet partaken in the Magical Nathaniel Northwest Infinite Free Beer Fountain that her brother and Wendy had set up.

She immediately went upstairs once she entered the Mystery Shack, and once she got to her room, she saw Dipper there.

"Hey, Dipper..." said Mabel.

"Hey Mabel," said Dipper.

"So. I heard you and Wendy turned the Northwest statue into a beer fountain!" said Mabel.

"Totally! Though... It didn't exactly turn out the way I thought it would..." said Dipper.

"How so?"

"Well, you know how Nathaniel was the town drunk, right?"

"Yeah."

"I was kinda hoping it'd be like a hit to Nathaniel Northwest's reputation or something. But then, it was like, thanks to the town drunk, the whole town got drunk!"

"Hahah! Yeah, you _really_ miscalculated _that one_ , Dip-Dop."

"At least Pacifica didn't get in trouble..."

"Why'd _she_ get in trouble for that?"

"Well... If it didn't turn out the way it did, she might've gotten guilt-by-association with me, since I'm the one that did it, with Wendy."

"Did you see her?"

"Um, yeah..."

"Did you talk to her?"

"Um... No. If I did that, she might get in trouble or something."

"You should've talked to her! Now you missed your chance!"

"Hey, we could always shrink down again, then sneak into the mansion. We also have the scissors now, so it'll be even easier."

"DO IT! Go talk to her and tell her you made the beer-fountain!"

"Um..."

"Ha! You're nervous about it! 'Cuz you _looove herrr!_ "

"Mabel, even if I _did_ love her, how am I supposed to know if she loves me back?"

"She'll tell you!"

"Mabel, she's not like Morty, okay? She doesn't come from a normal family."

" _Morty_ doesn't come from a normal family!"

"Okay, okay... How do I put this? She doesn't come from a normal family that also does weird stuff all the time."

"You're just _scared_!"

"Okay, okay, maybe I _am_ scared! But how can _you_ not be scared?"

"I... Um..." Mabel remembered the most intense parts of the date, and began to feel the same kind of heat that she felt before. "Shut up, dweeb."

"See what I mean? Ughh, let's just go to sleep..."

"Whatever you say, bro-bro!"

As Dipper went to sleep, he was pestered by thoughts of Wendy and Pacifica. He thought about how he'd felt about Wendy, and how stupid he was in front of her. He thought about how he wasn't like that with Pacifica. He thought that that might make him have more of a chance with her, but then he realized that going down that rabbit hole would leave him just as stupid as he was with Wendy. Then, the part of him that wanted to be with Pacifica began to drown that part out, filling him with pleasant thoughts about how the two of them might go about forming a relationship. The soothing sensation those thoughts brought led Dipper into unconsciousness.

Mabel, on the other hand, was still feeling the hot, annoying sensation that had come upon her during the date. It wasn't an entirely unfamiliar sensation, since she'd felt that way around Sev'ral Timez, Mermando, and Gabe, along with other hot boys. Morty wasn't _super_ -hot, but he was still really cute, even if he was a nervous wreck. In that way, he was kind of like her brother: usually a nervous wreck, but a hardcore badass in the face of danger. Or rather, what he saw as danger. Mabel wondered what Wendy meant when she said "Magic".

* * *

 

In the Smith house, Morty came home through a scissor-portal.

Upon seeing Rick in the garage, Morty said, "Gee, thanks for giving us these portal-scissors, Rick. It-it really means a lot that you think we're grown-up enough to travel the Multiverse on our own, and stuff."

"Ha! Like I said before, these things, they're primitive portal tech. They can't do _half_ the shit that _this_ can!" said Rick, holding up his portal gun.

"Yeah, well, thanks anyway!" said Morty, as he passed through the garage.

"Is that Morty?" said a voice on the phone that Morty recognized as one of the Stans.

"Yeah, it's me!" said Morty.

"He just got home from a date with your neice!" said Rick.

"Oh, well, how did that go?" said Ford.

"He didn't get her pregnant, if that's what you're worried about!" said Rick.

"RICK! Geez, what the hell man, she's like twelve!" said Morty.

"Yeah, that's incredibly inappropriate," said Ford.

Rick said, "Yeah, well, it's gonna happen eventually, unless those two break up before that happens. Not gonna lie Stanford, the thought of my Morty impregnating your Morty, it fills me with an undeniable, politically incorrect sense of pride. Like the old days, when everything was Game of Thrones, and there weren't any toilets yet."

"Geez, Rick, are you done?" said Morty?

"Are _you_? I'm the one working here!" said Rick.

Morty left the garage and entered the house.

"Now then, I'm just gonna pretend you didn't say that last thing, and I'll say this, the Dream-Demon-Catcher is fully functional," said Ford.

"Great, now all we gotta do is wait for your ex to show up and then point it at him!" said Rick.

"Exactly. Oh, and he's _not my e-_ " said Ford as Rick hung up.

About an hour later, someone rang the doorbell.

Beth said, "Jerry? Can you answer the door?"

"Of course I _can_ answer the door, Beth!" said Jerry.

" _Will you?_ " said Beth in a dull tone.

"Of course." Jerry opened the door, and saw a blonde, teenage girl dressed in a yellow suit-vest with black silk gloves. Her hair was in a bun, tied with a black, triangular tie. She had yellow triangles on her face, and held a cane in her hand.

"Hi, is this the _Smith_ residence?" said the girl.

"Why yes, yes it is," said Jerry.

"Then _you_ must be _Jerry!_ " said the girl.

"And who are you?" said Jerry.

"I'm one of Morty's friends from school. I need to get him for something," said the girl as she walked into the house.

"Oh really?" said Jerry, "Are you, like, from Theater or something?"

"You guessed it!" said the girl cheerfully.

"Thought so," said Jerry, "That's a nice suit. It gives a sorta 'Kill-Bill' vibe..."

"Oh HIAAhaha! Nice one!" said the girl, before going up to Morty's room.  
Morty was busy jerking it, when his concentration was shattered by his door immediately opening. "JESUS CHRIST WHAT THE FUCK?" said Morty, before becoming even more confused and shocked at the sight of a strange-looking yellow girl.

The girl pointed her cane at Morty, and his mouth immediately felt overwhelmingly strange as it pressed shut. Morty tried to scream, but it was rather shallow from the muffling, and nobody else could hear it.

"Well well well, Morty Smith!" said the girl after she closed the door behind her, "Nice to finally meet you! I've heard a lot about you, but seeing you in person, it's..." The girl's expression changed from one of grandiose smugness to a more hungry, agressive, predatory one. "You look like you could use a dick-sucking!" She waved her cane, causing Morty to levitate and then press against the wall. She walked up to Morty and prepared to suck.

The door opened once again, revealing Mabel Pines. "Morty! I gave it some thought, and I'm ready!" Then, she noticed that Morty was being pressed against the wall, with a strange girl's head in front of his uncovered crotch.

Morty struggled against the magic keeping his mouth shut to say, "Mabel! This isn't what it looks like!"

Mabel said, "It looks like you're being attacked by Bill Cipher, except he's a teenage girl!"

Morty said "Huh?"

The girl slowly turned her head, approaching a seemingly painful degree of rotation, before turning around completely to reveal a nasty smile. "NAILED IT, SHOOTING STAR!"

"Oh no, oh shit, shit SHIT!" said Mabel. She began to swipe her portal-scissors in an attempt to get away, but Bill pointed his wand and the scissors flew out of her hand. Bill swiped the scissors, and Mabel felt herself flying into the portal, unable to scream, say anything, or move at all.

* * *

 

Once Mabel was on the other side of the portal, she was in a forest. She was able to move again, so she screamed. "MORTY!"

As she looked around at the forest, Mabel realized she was in deep trouble. But then, she realized that she had a multiverse phone!

Mabel opened up her multiverse phone, and tried to call Dipper. She placed the call, and waited patiently as the phone rang. She waited patiently for three minutes, before she realized that the phone had no reception. She said, "Rats."

Mabel walked up to the highest neaby hill to see where she'd be able to go. Luckily for her, she saw a village next to a river nearby. She decided that she'd go there.

As she walked, she tried calling again, but after waiting for fifteen minutes to get no response, she gave up. She wondered if she was ever going to see Dipper again. She wondered if she was ever going to see Grunkle Stan and Ford ever again. She wondered if she was ever going to see Soos, or Wendy, or Morty ever again. When she was about halfway along the way to the village, Mabel broke down and cried. "I'm so stupid, I'm so stupid..."

Eventually, though, Mabel realized that if she didn't get to the village, she had no chance of getting back home, so she continued to walk. After about two hours of walking, she was starting to get hungry. She put more effort into her steps, hoping to get to the village as soon as possible.

She felt a sense of calmness once she arrived, knowing that she'd be able to get food here.

But, of course, none of the weird creatures she talked to were willing to give her food. Everyone shoo-ed her away, or demanded a high price in a currency called "Quartzes". The next day, she tried to steal food from one of the houses that looked like it was easy to steal from, only to get beaten and tossed away.

One day, she went around asking how to earn Quartzes, wondering if she'd be able to earn them by doing what she did best: knitting!

The town already had plenty of knitters, though, and none of them were willing to take someone with only ten fingers as an apprentice.

Eventually one evening, she came across a pale man with blue eyes and slushy hair, dressed in icy armor.

"You a human?" said the ice man.

"Yeah," said Mabel.

"What's got you down, human?" said the ice man.

"I looked all over town for work, but nobody wants to hire me. I think I'm gonna starve..." said Mabel.

"Have you tried sucking dick, human?" said the ice man.

Mabel's heart sank. It was going to be a long night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry about Mabel. I'm sure somebody is going to save her from a terrible fate...  
> The real question is, what dimension did she end up in?


	14. Chapter 14

The Crystal Gems, as well as Connie and Peridot, were all gathered in Steven's room to discuss strategy. They sat in a circle, cris-cross-applesauced. Peridot was clearly wasn't taking the news of Malachite's existence very well. "Oh _great_. So in addition to the Cluster, we gotta worry about _those two clods_ as WELL?"

Garnet explained, using holographic representations, "That's right. Malachite is a very unstable fusion, like Sugilite but a hundred times worse." Garnet showed Sugilite. "Like Sugilite, she's likely been galvanized by her negative feelings, such as anger and hate. Lapis seems to be the dominant force in the fusion, but if she loses her control, the two personalities will fuse in addition to their bodies." Garnet showed Lapis on top of Jasper inside Malachite's head, then showed the two of them collapsing into Malachite. "Then, Malachite will become a being driven most by the things which Lapis and Jasper hold in common. The most potent of which, being a hatred of us." Garnet showed Malachite raising a water-fist in front of herself, Amethyst, Pearl, and Peridot.

"That's rich, coming from _you_ , _Perma-fusion_!" said Peridot.

Garnet silently glared at her in disapproval.

"Look, Malachite is definitely a problem, but she can definitely be dealt with more easily, right? So our main focus is still going to be the Cluster," said Pearl.

Peridot turned to Pearl and said, "Why are you talking so much?"

"Sometimes, I wonder that too!" said Amethyst.

"Ha! You tell them Amethyst!" said Peridot.

Garnet said, "Amethyst, this is serious. The Cluster could destroy the entire planet. Insubordination will only make it more difficult for us to execute the plan to stop it. That goes for you too, Peridot."

Amethyst turned to Peridot and said, "Ha!"

Peridot grumbled.

"I know!" said Connie, "Why don't we use the plants to dig to the mantle and take it out?"

"Connie, as much as that idea _sounds_ nice, you _do_ realize that once the plants reach the mantle, they'll all burn, right?" said Pearl.

"Oh, right, sorry, that idea was dumb," said Connie.

"Then why'd you even say it, animal?" said Peridot.

Steven said, "Peridot, stop being mean to everyone!"

"It's okay, Steven! Humans _are_ animals, after all! I just thought that with Steven's Plant-Command spit, that he could conjure up an army of millions of plants to dig up the Cluster, 'cuz I don't think there are enough Gems here to make a fusion big enough to dig down to the Cluster," said Connie.

"Yeah, Alexandrite is _definitely_ too small to do that. And too unstable too," said Pearl.

"If it means saving the planet, I'm sure we'll be able to stay fused," said Garnet.

"What about the statue out front?" said Connie.

"What about it?" said Amethyst.

"Isn't that like a huge fusion, like what it'd be if Rose Quartz fused with Alexandrite?" said Connie.

Steven gasped intensly at that.

"Oh so _that's what it is,_ " said Peridot.

" _That_ is the reason we tried to train Steven in the art of the Fusion Dance," said Garnet.

"Woaaah, so you mean that all five of you made that huge statue when you fused?" said Steven.

"More or less. It was a _very_ complicated process, however, and unfortunately, I doubt you'll be able to do it, Steven," said Garnet.

"Why's that?" said Steven.

"Because, Rose Quartz's memories didn't carry on into your consciousness. Rose is the one who came up with the plans for the Temple, so unless you gain the ability to access her memories, you'll be stuck," said Pearl.

"Oooh! Oooh! Peridot!" said Connie.

"What?" said Peridot.

"Was that how the hand-ship was made?" said Connie.

"What makes you think that?" said Peridot.

"Well, Homeworld has three Diamonds, right?" said Connie.

"Yes," said Peridot.

"You mean to say that the green ship Peridot used came from the Diamonds fusing?" said Pearl.

"Look, I have no clue how that ship was made, and thanks to _SOMEONE_ , we're never _ever_ going to find out," said Peridot, glaring at Garnet.

"What about Pink Diamond?" said Connie.

Immediately, Pearl's hands covered her face.

Amethyst said, "Yo, P, whassup? Why you covering your mouth like that?"

Pearl then realized that she was in deep. All eyes were on her. All eleven of them.

"Oh nothing. Just... Memories from before the war, that's all," said Pearl.

Amethyst and Garnet were like "Oh, okay..." Steven, however, glared at her nervously. Connie glared at Steven.

Peridot just sat confused for a second, then said, "If Pink Diamond had a ship, I bet it might still be here. When she was shattered, and all the gems- _except for you five_ -were obliterated, Earth was abandoned as a lost cause, at least that's what everyone _says_. The only way it _wouldn't_ be here is if some crew led directly by the Diamonds got it out before the blast."

"So... If Pink Diamond's ship is still here..." began Connie.

"Then we can use it to dig to the core!" completed Steven.

"That's... _not going to work!_ " said Pearl.

"Why not?" said Peridot.

Pearl explained, "Because, _even if Pink Diamond's ship is still here_ , it can only be operated by Pink Diamond herself."

"And Pink Diamond was shattered," said Garnet.

After a few seconds of awkward silence, Connie said, "Hey wait, though... What if... What if Rose Quartz was a high-enough-ranking Gem to operate Pink Diamond's ship in her absence?"

"What _is it_ with you, animal?" said Peridot. Garnet placed her hand firmly on Peridot's head and pressed down. "Sorry," said Peridot.

"What makes you think _that_ , Connie?" said Pearl.

"Well, apparently Jasper outranked Peridot, right? Even though it was Peridot's mission," said Connie.

" _Don't remind me,_ " said Peridot.

"So, what if Rose Quartz was a high-enough-ranked gem to do some of the stuff Pink Diamond did? Like, if Rose Quartz were her second-in-command?" said Connie.

"It'd certainly explain how a subordinate like her would be able to overthrow a Diamond," said Peridot.

"That... Actually makes sense, Connie," said Pearl, "Very well then, how about we look for Pink Diamond's ship, and see if Steven's able to operate it using Rose Quartz's authority?"

"That sounds like it could work. A Diamond-ship should be high-tech enough to burrow into the mantle. There still exists the problem of extracting the Cluster, however," said Garnet.

"Just like my limb-enhancers have telekinetic capabilities, I'm sure that a Diamond-ship would be able to extract the Cluster using something similar," said Peridot, "Otherwise, we could possibly dig beneath the Cluster, then use the propulsion of the Diamond-ship to push it out through the burrow-hole," said Peridot.

"How do we burrow the hole, though?" said Steven.

"We could use the Diamond-ship," said Pearl, "But until we find the ship, we should build drills to dig the hole at the place where the Cluster was buried."

"You mean, _if we don't find it_." said Garnet.

"Oh, right. Actually, I'm pretty sure the Diamond-ship is still here," said Pearl, "I used to be in Pink Diamond's court sometimes, and so did Rose. I'm 90% confident that we'll be able to find it," said Pearl.

"No wonder you're such a fancy-pants!" said Amethyst. Steven, Pearl, and Connie breathed nervously. Garnet didn't breathe, nor did Peridot.

Peridot said, "You are _hardly_ a fancy-pants. I mean, you _are_ a fancy Pearl, but you certainly don't _act_ like it."

Garnet squeezed Peridot's head, threatening to poof her.

"Ha! Get Garnet-ed!" said Amethyst, pointing at Peridot.

Pearl "Very well, then. I'll start looking for Pink Diamond's ship. You people can... work on the drill." Pearl stepped onto the warp pad and left.

"How can she talk like that? Just, making suggestions and dirt! It's... _unnatural!_ " said Peridot.

"YOU aren't natural, Peridot! You're an AI. A computer! Like THIS!" Connie held up her phone and said "Ziri! What's a machine?"

Ziri, the voice on the phone, said, "A machine is an object created by an intelligent person for the purpose of fulfilling one or more tasks."

Peridot looked at the phone and said, "Huh..."

Connie pointed at Peridot. " _You_ were made by something, and even though _you_ were probably made by other machines- _gems_ -the one who made the _first gems_ was _DEFINITELY_ an organic animal creature, _just like me._ "

"HA! You think you know who made the first Gems? They were the _Diamonds!_ "

"And who created the Diamonds?" asked Connie.

" _No-one_ did! The Diamonds are perfect beings that have existed since the beginning of the universe!" said Peridot.

"Then why didn't they take over the universe at the beginning of it?" said Connie.

"I-I. I don't know! The Diamonds work in ways that we don't understand! Besides, where did _you_ come from!?" said Peridot.

"I was born from my parents! They were born from theirs, and so on and so un throughout the course of history all the way back to when the first organics were bacteria!" said Connie.

"And what made the bacteria, pray tell?" said Peridot.

"It was probably a random mixture of gasses and water that eventually got mixed into self-replicating bacteria..." said Connie.

Steven, meanwhile, had left Connie and Peridot to their Garnet-supervised-arguing to go outside. It was a beautiful day; the sun was glittering on the ocean, the birds were flying through the sky, and the wind was breezing along, filling the air with a smell of sand and salt so familiar that Steven couldn't recognize it unless he'd been away from it for a while.

"Yo, Steve, you all right, buddy?" said Amethyst as she joined him outside.

"I'm fine, Amethyst," said Steven.

"You don't _sound_ fine" said Amethyst.

"It's just... All the stuff about the war. And the Cluster. And Lapis. It's really getting me down," said Steven.

Amethyst sat down next to him. "Look. I don't know anything about the war, aside from what _those squares_ told me. But hey. We're gonna make it. Just like we made it before when we were trapped on that ship!"

"Right. It's just... My mom..." said Steven.

"So _what_ about your mom, Steven? She's not here! She's not _gonna_ be here! It's just you, me, Garnet, and Pearl!" said Amethyst.

"And Connie and Lion, and my dad, and maybe Peridot, at least for right now," said Steven.

"Yeah, whatever. Look, you got this. We got this! We're gonna tear that Cluster thing outta the Earth and chuck it into space, and then it'll be _their_ problem, not ours!" said Amethyst.

"Yeah. You're right..." said Steven. He thought about bringing up the notion that Rose Quartz was Pink Diamond the whole time, but he didn't. Instead, he started to tell himself that Rose Quartz really was Pink's second-in-command. It made sense. More sense than the idea that she'd fake her shattering. So he nurtured that idea. Then, he went back inside.

"All right, Peridot! Back to cage!" said Garnet, as she tied up Peridot and stuffed her into a cat-cage.

"You have NO RIGHT to treat me this way, _perma-fusion!_ " shouted Peridot.

"Hey Steven," said Garnet.

"Hey Garnet," said Steven.

"Steven, wanna go for a walk along the beach? Just you and me?" said Connie.

"Oh, sure, Connie! That sounds like a great idea," said Steven.

"Have fun you two!" said Garnet.

"What's 'fun'?" said Peridot.

"It's a feeling you get when you do the stuff you like to do!" said Steven.

"You'll be having plenty of fun once Pearl gets back, and we start building the drills," said Garnet.

"I still don't know why we need _her_ to do it..." said Peridot.

Steven and Connie left the house, and began walking along the beach. One minute into the walk, Steven moved his hand toward Connie and bumped her hand lightly. Connie turned to him, and noticed what he seemed to be trying to do, so she took his hand into hers.

They walked along the beach some more, until Connie felt like they were far enough away from any other Gems.

"So. That was some pretty good lying from Pearl, huh?" said Connie.

"Yeah..." said Steven.

"She's _definitely_ hiding something," said Connie, who had an idea that she already knew the answer to that. So much for Steven's reassurances.

"Maybe she just used to belong to Pink Diamond? And then when Rose stood up to Pink, she took Pearl with her on her own!" said Steven.

"Hmm, that's actually possible," said Connie.

"I mean, the only one who ever said, 'Rose Quartz is Pink Diamond' was White Diamond, but she's the enemy," said Steven, as the two of them passed Beach City on the sand.

"That's right. It may have been a _deliberate misdirection_. In that case, you shouldn't have anything to worry about," said Connie.

"Except for the fact that all those Gems got turned into monsters by the other diamonds!" said Steven.  
"Right. Well, one problem at a time," said Connie.

"How can you say that?" said Steven.

"Well, I mean, I was just thinking about my homework, you know? You can't do everything all at once, you have to do it one-by-one, otherwise you won't get _anything_ done," said Connie.

"What is this... 'Homework'?" said Steven in a playful faux-formal tone.

"Haha! It's this thing you do after coming home from school so you don't stop learning. Personally, I think it's a bunch of nonsense. I usually already know how something works by the time I practice it for a few minutes, I don't really need hours of practice on top of that," said Connie.

"What is this... 'practice'?" said Steven.

Connie tackled Steven to the ground, causing him to give a little scream. The two of them rolled around in the sand, wrestling each other for a while before they fused into Stevonnie.

Stevonnie rolled around a little bit, grabbing themself in various places before they realized they were one. They stood up in alertness. They thought about what to do for a few seconds, before realizing that Connie needed to be home soon, since the sun was setting. Stevonnie ran as fast as they could to the pick-up spot. Halfway along the way, they realized that it'd be awful for Connie if her parents knew about Stevonnie. Then, they reassured themselves that the Cluster was way more important than any terror Connie might feel. _One problem at a time._ They continued to run to the spot where Doug Maheshwaran was expected to pick up Connie. They saw Doug's car roll up and park at the It's a Wash car wash. They ran up to Doug, and released Connie in front of him.

Doug immediately walked out of the car and said, "What the heck is going on here?"

Connie began, "Sorry, Dad! I was hoping we'd tell you and Mom this later, but..."

"THE WORLD'S IN DANGER!" shouted Steven.

Doug stammered in response to the one-two-punch of revelations that these kids thrust upon him.

"The world's in danger, and I've been practicing swordfighting and fusion to help the Crystal Gems protect the planet!" said Connie.

"Is... Is this a game you're playing?" said Doug.

"No, Mr. Maheshwaran! This is 100% serious. Connie's been a big help with Crystal Gem stuff, why just today, she helped the Gems come up with a plan to stop the Cluster!" said Steven.

"What's the 'Cluster'?" asked Doug, who was now unsure about whether or not he had seen the two kids separate from one bigger person dressed like both of them.

"It's a big fusion of a bunch of dead gems that's gonna come back to life and blow up the planet!" said Connie.

"ZOMBIE GEMS!" said Steven. (He was carried away in his excitement and nervousness)

"Wait, you're saying this _isn't_ a big game?" said Doug.

"Yes! It's serious! I can take you to the Gems and they can explain it to you!" said Connie.

"The Gems... They're Steven's parents, right?" said Doug.

"Well, sorta. You know how they all fused into one giant woman, right?" said Steven.

"How could I forget..." said Doug.

"There's a bunch of broken Gems that're being put together into one gigantic Gem in the Earth's mantle! I was helping the Crystal Gems come up with plans to stop it!" said Connie.

"Stop it from... what, exactly?" said Doug.

"When the Cluster forms, its form will be so big, the planet will blow up! It'll be blasted into pieces that'll go flying through space!" said Connie.

Doug fainted.

"Aww, you made him faint!" said Steven. He patted Doug's head, and said, "Sweet Dreams..."

"Wait... DREAMS! Gems don't sleep, right?" said Connie.

"Right..." said Steven.

"Maybe you could access your Mom's memories by going into your DREAMS!" said Connie.

"Have you been hanging out with Ronaldo?" said Steven.

"YES! I HAVE. We've been talking all about the Crystal Gems, and what Gems are like, and the influence they had on the planet!" said Connie.

"Woah... Well, that explains it," said Steven.

"Yeah, Steven! Once you mentioned the Diamonds, and the possible Pink Diamond coverup, I went over to the Frymans' house so we could talk about what we knew!" said Connie.

"YOU DIDN'T TELL HIM... _YOU KNOW WHAT_ , DID YOU?" said Steven.

"No! _That's_ classified. But I _did_ talk about everything else, like the Gems, and Gem government, and Gem-ships!" said Connie.

"You've been talking about Gem government?" said Doug. Apparently, he had regained consciousness.

"Yeah. Ronaldo said a mind like mine shouldn't go to waste!" said Connie.

"Your mind _wasn't_ going to waste!" said Steven.

"Actually, it sort of _was_. I mean, don't get me wrong, knowing how to swordfight is one thing, but coming up with _plans?_ That's a whole different animal!" said Connie.

"Wow," said Doug.

"Anyway, don't worry about me, Steven! I can explain everything to Mom, and she'll understand!" said Connie.

"If you say so," said Steven.

Connie got into the car, and together with her dad, they went home.

Steven returned home, thinking about what Connie had said-specifically, the part about accessing Rose through his dreams.

Steven gave a few "Hello"s to the Crystal Gems. Then, he went to bed, and exchanged a few "Good Night"s.

As Steven fell asleep, he decided that he _had_ to find Rose. One problem at a time. _No procrastinating._ Steven knew he couldn't help much with the drills. However, he _could_ find out if there was some sort of psychic link to his mom in his dreams. He focused. He focused on becoming lucid in his dream, once he knew he was dreaming. He focused on staying still and clearing his mind so he could go to sleep.

Time passed, and Steven found himself in the Big Donut. Sadie was there, and she said, "Hi, Steven!"

Steven said "Hi Sadie! I'll be having four donut holes, thank you!"

Connie came up to Steven and said, "Hey Steven! Remember the dream?"

Steven was about to say "No," but then he had the epiphany he was looking for.

"Hmm. That was convenient," said Steven, "Usually I have to go through at least one or two dreams before I find one I can go lucid in..."

Steven walked out of the Big Donut. Lars said something with a sarcastic tone, but Steven paid that no mind. Instead, he leaped into the sky and flew over Beach City. He looked down at the buildings beneath him, then thought to himself, "How do I access Rose's memories? Do I go up? Or do I go down?"

Steven began willing himself downward, only to find nothing but darkness and rock. Steven went up, into the sky, then he had another idea: "Maybe if I go to Rose's room, in the dream, I'll find what I need!"

Steven flew to the Temple, then soared through his house and opened the door to Rose's room.

When he entered, and saw the pink sky and light pink clouds, he said, "Okay, Rose's room! Let me talk to my mom!"

Nothing happened, however.  
"Okay, Room, tell me if I can talk to my mom if I go deeper!" said Steven.

The room appeared to deepen in front of him, with a deeper magenta in front of him, flanked by the same light pink clouds.

Steven flew in.

Steven went deeper, and deeper, and deeper, until eventually, the sky was black.

"This is it. Just a little more!" said Steven.

Then, Steven saw a golden light. That didn't make sense. Rose was pink, right?

Steven approached the golden light more closely, until he was so close he could grab ahold of it. So he did.

"Huh?" said the entity. It sounded like a teenage girl. When she turned, she looked like one, too.

"You're not my mom," said Steven.

The girl appeared to float upwards. It seemed as if she was headed in the way that Steven had come from. There was a pink glow in the distance that she seemed to disappear into. As she did this, Steven felt overwhelmed by a sense of peace and calm. He knew he should panic, but it seemed like the world around him was keeping him here with promises of happiness and pleasure. Steven gave in to the pleasure, and decided to stay.


End file.
